Nursery worker telling DD her behaviour…

[Ohwhatsthatnoise]

…will make mummy sad.

And this just isn’t sitting well with me. Wondered what others would think? For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world. I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave. I don’t think I’d ever tell her that her behaviour makes me sad. I’d rather she understood the consequences of her actions. Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen.

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline? It’s an eternal worry of mine because she is the love of my life and I worry I’ll be too soft on her.

Amen to all of that.

It's manipulative. Paints you as the bad one.
Why does it not make the key worker sad?
Why mummy who isn't there and enjoys her as she is. Next it will be "that makes Santa sad. And that means no presents at Christmas."
I would challenge the key worker about presenting you so negatively. Just tell her no, we don't do that here. And if she asks why, say because I said no, it hurts etc and move on.

There are ways to tell a child their behaviour needs to change without using the word naughty, which is very abstract.

You can certainly avoid labeling the child - "You are naughty"/ "You are being naughty".

You can say, "I won't let you..." (hit Tommy, take the toy from Lucy, throw the blocks, etc).
Or, "Friends don't hit/ throw/ take toys."

You can say, "We listen to our teacher", or, "We use our words", or, "We wait our turn", or, "We must not throw things".

It's best to be concrete, and avoid abstracts like "be good", "that's naughty", etc.

Explicit, concrete instructions are best.
"Look up and listen to Miss Jane."
"Stop throwing the books."
"Walk in the hallway."
"Wait til Lucy is finished. Then it will be your turn."
And you can redirect.

For praise:
"Good co-operating."
"Good listening"
Etc.
(as opposed to "Good girl/ boy.")

Right headstrong...

I agree. I would have an issue if a child so wee was experiencing guilt or shame.

Headstrong and brave

I presume @neonjumper that you know how children learn to talk the same language as their parents,and the society they are brought up in?

Simply put, if a baby was brought up where no language was ever spoken, only gestures, and actually doing things were the method of communication, it would mean that that baby couldn't learn to speak anything but it's own personal language.

So if we never say certain words to our babies or young children, then they could never learn the words that they never heard. My own - very naturally to me - language, that I spoke to my babies in (even from the time I first knew I was pregnant) was the normal one that I use when talking to people I love.

Therefore my baby will have first heard words like love, beautiful, wonderful, frustrated, excited, exemplary, fantastic, and potentially any other word in an English dictionary, whilst they were still in my womb. Once born, and over time, a baby will repeatedly hear certain words, and will unconsciously notice the moods, and reactions etc to those words, and that is how we all learn how to talk, and how to use the the most appropriate word for any particular occasion.

Well it should make you sad or cross or disappointed in her.

She refused to listen.

Learning how your actions affect riggers is an important lesson. You can see the affect of this not being apparent with older age groups currently.

Maybe they tried the rest of the repertoire to manage what ever it was and got to the point of , 'I will need to talk to mummy about this'. Maybe you wouldn't be 'sad' but hopefully you might wish for your child to follow what is asked of them or be learning about the need to do this. If you delegate parenting especially to a group situation there is a natural consequence of that decision for you and your child , ie that somethings may not centre your child's every wish or need and that things are not done exactly as you would prefer, also that you'll get feedback about your child.

You can’t micromanage how everyone speaks to your child. If your child is ok at nursery and seems happy, and they are otherwise kind to her, just let them get on with it. None of this stuff matters quite as much as you think it does.

I hope your child learns that how she behaves might make you sad at times. As well as you being happy, proud, frustrated , excited for her etc it's all part of learning about other people's emotions and ger own and how her interactions impact others , empathy.

I think I would find it a bit peculiar myself to say 'mummy will be sad' about behaviours at nursery - given I'm not there and not a part of the consequence. I don't disagree with talking feelings - 'you're not listening to me and it's making me sad' or 'X is asking you to do Y, if you don't listen she may be sad' - but mummy isn't there or part of the feelings in my opinion!

Unless of course it was in the context of them doing a craft for mummy and she's not listening/doing what is asked at all, then it could be 'if you don't listen and do this for mummy, she won't get this Mother's Day craft and will be sad'

Feelings are great to discuss, but mummy feelings as a threat for behaviours which have absolutely nothing to do with mummy, I think is weird personally - them telling you at end of day if it continued and you asking child to please listen today before you drop off next day would be enough.

I agree with @Doingmybest12 , understanding the natural consequences of the way she behaves will help your dd learn. The nursery worker pointing this out is actually a kind and sensitive way to help your dd make the right choices.

OK, so your child is 12 at school, hurts another child or is rude to the teacher or they shop lift you aren't going to let them know how that makes you feel?

So it's OK for you to be sad about a gift she didn't choose to make you, that's interesting. Perhaps she didn't want to make you a gift that day. That would be fine with me, she doesn't have to. So you can see we all have a different slant on these things.

I'd say it's fine if for example your toddler hit you to say. "That made mummy sad" Or if she hit a child at nursery for the staff to say "little x is sad "

But I don't think this is something that should be overused or that staff should use it on a situation you are not involved in.

I would leave it this time but if it comes up again I would at the time ask them not to say that.

If you don't like the nursery then change your childcare arrangements. This is a ridiculous amount of angst over a non event.

There's a fine line between headstrong and just being a brat.

My MIL does this kind of thing ‘Mummy will feel this way if you do this thing’ etc and it drives me crazy as it often isn’t how I feel and I feel it disrupts the pattern of trust and understanding I have set up with my DS3.

There are other ways in encouraging/enforcing the correct behaviours from a toddlers that include them recognising emotions in others.

I think you need to read this several times til it sinks in OP.

Cringing for you.

My daughter works in early years and I also work ocassionally in receptionist classes. 'Sad' is an easy concept for small children to comprehend unlike 'disappointed'. Staff often say 'I am feeling very sad because you are not making good choices'. They really mean they are disappointed in the bad behaviour.

I don't think it's a bad thing for small children to start to learn their actions have an effect on other people. I also think it's fair to say most parents would be disappointed to hear their child had been misbehaving so it's not a huge stretch to say it would make mummy sad.

There's no point complaining because with the best will in the world, if this is a turn of phrase widely used in the nursery (highly likely) then she's not going to remember to not use it with your child.

'Listening skills'???!!

"Headstrong" - I think most 2 years can be affectionately described as this! I don't see how you can be critical of that approach, the nursery worker explained in gentle and very simple terms the consequences of her actions.

Precious did something wrong. The nursery worker corrected her gently. You are OTT. Ridiculous parenting.

I'm sorry but if your child was climbing and fell and hit their head, you would be sad.
Would you rather the nursery talked about paralysis or death???

*Well it should make you sad or cross or disappointed in her.

She refused to listen.*

She’s 2 years old, I couldn’t be disappointed in a 2 year old not listening - they’re only just learning about social norms at that age.

Developmentally they don’t have the cognition to link their behaviour to the impact on other people so trying to make a child behave by telling them someone else will be sad is pretty pointless because it’s too abstract for a 2 year old. It also places responsibility on them for their parents happiness, which is storing up problems down the line.