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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery worker telling DD her behaviour…

213 replies

Ohwhatsthatnoise · 21/02/2024 21:23

…will make mummy sad.

And this just isn’t sitting well with me. Wondered what others would think? For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world. I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave. I don’t think I’d ever tell her that her behaviour makes me sad. I’d rather she understood the consequences of her actions. Today, she didn’t show good listening skills when she was asked not to do something, and she kept doing it and her key worker told her this would make me sad. I’d rather it was explained to her why she needed to listen.

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline? It’s an eternal worry of mine because she is the love of my life and I worry I’ll be too soft on her.

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 21/02/2024 22:09

There are very few ways you can make a child know there are consequences these days for persistent 'naughty' behaviour.

You can't say they are naughty, you can't do times out etc. I will sometimes tell a child their behaviour is making me sad - as opposed to 'just stop, you are being naughty! - because we have to be careful on what terminology is used. Some behaviour is simply naughty defiance and they know exactly what they are doing. I'd have handled it very differently with my own children than I have to with other people's children (not disputing this as there has to be a consistent way within care settings).

Maybe your child is simply not responding to.any other attempts at guiding their behaviour.and the nursery need a degree of support from you.

Rialoulou · 21/02/2024 22:11

If I were to say something to her key worker, would this come across as fluffy parenting with no discipline? YES

KittySmith1986 · 21/02/2024 22:13

Yes, I get this. It feels a bit like ‘your mum would be disappointed in you.’

I have older teens who, at times, for sure have given me reason to worry but it wouldn’t be possible for them to make me feel SAD. Or disappointed. They’re the loves of my life. However, I don’t think I’d take this up with nursery staff. I would tell my child that they could never make me feel sad. But that they must do as they’re told in class and listen to the teacher.

QuietBear · 21/02/2024 22:13

You need to support the nursery in correcting your child's behaviour.

We all love our children. Your DD isn't anymore loved, beautiful, headstrong or special than any other 2yo and I'm not sure how this relates to your complaint with the key worker?

GRex · 21/02/2024 22:14

I don't like the language used instead of addressing the problem, I find it unhelpful. The thing about the world though, is that your little girl is going to be out there in it with lots of other people, and she will need to learn to navigate situations and relationships without you there to mediate. You often won't like exactly how others speak to her, and she won't, but she will need to be resilient and so will you. The phrase "pick your battles" fits this type of situation. She isn't physically hurt, nobody even tried to upset her, so this is not one to pick even the mildest of issue with. Move on.

Catsmere · 21/02/2024 22:16

"Didn't show good listening skills"??? Do people actually talk about small children ignoring what they're being told this way?

KissyMissy · 21/02/2024 22:17

Oh dear!
Headstrong = naughty

fourelementary · 21/02/2024 22:20

Tumbleweed101 · 21/02/2024 22:09

There are very few ways you can make a child know there are consequences these days for persistent 'naughty' behaviour.

You can't say they are naughty, you can't do times out etc. I will sometimes tell a child their behaviour is making me sad - as opposed to 'just stop, you are being naughty! - because we have to be careful on what terminology is used. Some behaviour is simply naughty defiance and they know exactly what they are doing. I'd have handled it very differently with my own children than I have to with other people's children (not disputing this as there has to be a consistent way within care settings).

Maybe your child is simply not responding to.any other attempts at guiding their behaviour.and the nursery need a degree of support from you.

Oh FFS it’s not “naughty” for a 2 year old to not listen. They’re learning still and just toddlers… the reason people have tried to move away from seeing kids as bad so much is down to education and understanding child development. Not this “back in my day” shit. Or calling a child naughty- it’s quite right that we now know to label the behaviour not the child. You can say “pushing over litre Tommy is naughty and not kind” by all means that’s fine. You don’t need to say it makes you sad as it bloody doesn’t. You’re just lying. Yes it might make Tommy sad so that’s fine. But telling a child their mum will be sad if they don’t listen? That’s just not true… why lie to kids? It’s bullshit. Lazy and uneducated parenting… or uneducated nursery staff in this case. @Ohwhatsthatnoise fwiw I wouldn’t say anything to nursery but I would say to your wee girl that wasn’t true. That you would like her to listen to the staff and that you would like them to listen to her- but that you’re not going to be sad about it. Perhaps ask why she didn’t listen or do as she was told- there may well be a good reason or perhaps she didn’t hear etc? Nothing wrong with respecting your toddler and reassuring them.

Naptrappedmummy · 21/02/2024 22:22

Op in the nicest possible way you sound like one of the ‘gentle parents’ being discussed on the other thread. Have a read of it.

DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world.
I hope to raise her be strong, to be kind, and to be brave.

I have to admit to rolling my eyes at this as well. Your child is wonderful to you OP of course they are, but you have to realise this is an emotional nonsense which will stop you from parenting her properly. She’s 2 - treat her like the small child she is and stop with the expectations you seem to have that she is or will be exceptional. It’ll be damaging in the long run if she feels forced to live up to this mental picture you have of her.

LittleBearPad · 21/02/2024 22:25

She didn’t show good listening skill?

Give me strength

Sticksareforlookingat · 21/02/2024 22:25

OP, as you've posted on AIBU, you are going to continue to get an absolute pasting. This in particular isn't helping you:

For context, DD is 2 and the most beautiful, headstrong little girl in the world.

This isn't providing context and comes across as being precious. Your daughter is 2 years old and displays defiant behaviour, like most toddlers. I think you need to detach yourself a little from your opinion of your daughter as the best and bravest little girl in the world. We all think our children are wonderful but often they are also little arseholes.

This interaction won't have damaged your daughter one bit. I'm sure she loves her nursery.

saraclara · 21/02/2024 22:25

How do children learn empathy if how their behaviour affects other people is not pointed out to them?

arlequin · 21/02/2024 22:30

@fourelementary I think most 2yo would really struggle to articulate why they behaved a certain way the day before

RunningThroughMyHead · 21/02/2024 22:30

You're projecting your own adult issues onto your two year old. I have a two year old headstrong daughter and I can assure you, your daughter won't be lying in bed worried she's made you sad. She won't think anything else of it.

She wasn't listening and got told off (mildly). That's hardly something to complain about.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2024 22:31

The only kids I have ever known who were described by their parents as "headstrong" were absolute terrors. Never disciplined, lacked any self-control, and no one, adult or child, enjoyed being around them.

ThinWomansBrain · 21/02/2024 22:33

i imagine the poor nursery workers have a different interpretation of "headstrong"

Undisciplined, poorly parented. out of control, insufferable brat maybe?

mathanxiety · 21/02/2024 22:35

That is manipulative and not on.

Talk to the nursery and ask them to stop this. They are not to use you as a means of correcting DD.

For your part, stop thinking headstrong behaviour is fine in all circumstances or get a nanny instead of sending her to a nursery where she needs to get with the programme sometimes.

fourelementary · 21/02/2024 22:35

saraclara · 21/02/2024 22:25

How do children learn empathy if how their behaviour affects other people is not pointed out to them?

But then you’re using shame to teach empathy which is a bit ironic. A 2 year old shouldn’t be made to feel responsible for a bad feeling by acting age-appropriately. Empathy is learnt through being treated kindly and by discussions about feelings - maybe “how did you feel when you were trying to ask Lucy to play and she didn’t listen to you?” If the nursery worker said SHE was sad I wouldn’t even have as much of an issue- I’d think she was a bit pathetic and maybe in the wrong job, or just lying… but to say the mum would be sad is manipulative and just wrong. And not about teaching empathy by any stretch of the imagination.

julili · 21/02/2024 22:36

The word “headstrong” tells us allllll we need to know.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2024 22:36

fourelementary · 21/02/2024 21:38

No you’re not unreasonable at all. Your toddler is not responsible for your feelings and the nursery staff should not be using emotional blackmail as a form of discipline. Consequences such as not being able to join in x or y etc are fine- but I hate the link between behaviours and feelings for small children. They don’t need that kind of talk and shouldn’t be given that power- if something a toddler does or says makes you sad or upset you need to get a grip.

THIS.

Immemorialelms · 21/02/2024 22:37

I get it OP. She didn't make you sad, you weren't there. DD did something not allowed at nursery. Perfectly fine for the childcare worker to talk about making people sad, but in the moment and as part of the conemsequences. When you bite Timmy it makes Timmy sad so now we need to fetch Timmy a toy to say sorry. When you don't listen and you don't sit down on your red circle it makes me sad because I want to read all the children this lovely story and I can't if you don't sit down.

Appealing to a later authority makes children feel that they themselves are judged worthy or unworthy, rather than the behaviour just tackled in the moment in a matter of fact way.

So yeah it technically falls into the category of teaching children to be people pleasers rather than authentically themselves... but it's a very mild version of this and I wouldn't sweat it.

Naptrappedmummy · 21/02/2024 22:39

Immemorialelms · 21/02/2024 22:37

I get it OP. She didn't make you sad, you weren't there. DD did something not allowed at nursery. Perfectly fine for the childcare worker to talk about making people sad, but in the moment and as part of the conemsequences. When you bite Timmy it makes Timmy sad so now we need to fetch Timmy a toy to say sorry. When you don't listen and you don't sit down on your red circle it makes me sad because I want to read all the children this lovely story and I can't if you don't sit down.

Appealing to a later authority makes children feel that they themselves are judged worthy or unworthy, rather than the behaviour just tackled in the moment in a matter of fact way.

So yeah it technically falls into the category of teaching children to be people pleasers rather than authentically themselves... but it's a very mild version of this and I wouldn't sweat it.

My god the overthinking. I’m surprised half of you get anything done! Her DD would’ve forgotten it all 5 minutes later.

Jabberwonky · 21/02/2024 22:40

YABU.

JMSA · 21/02/2024 22:40

For the love of God, just leave it.

Beepboopbeepboopbeep · 21/02/2024 22:41

Who told you that?