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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell DS's sons dad that his mum is moving schools in 2 days?

271 replies

Awaanbileyirheid · 21/02/2024 16:10

Ds came home from school today crying as his best friend is moving schools on Monday. (They're 11).
Thing is, his dad has not consented to move and has joint custody.
BF lives 50/50 with mum in one town and dad in our town. They're from here, been at school here from nursery.
BF mum moved 20 mins away last year with new boyfriend. Just after his dad was awarded joint custody. Dad hasnt got a car so they've shared kid since but remained at school.
I get on with both parents but his dad makes more effort with kid as he sees at that age, kids want to do stuff with friends.
Mum thinks he's autistic (he's not diagnosed) and rarely allows play dates.
Today DS and BF crying as mum moving schools to her new town. All secret tho, he mustnt tell his dad.
Do I tell the dad? The poor kid is in pieces as is my DS.
Or is it none of my business? Keep gob shut and comfort kids?

OP posts:
BigFluffyHoodie · 21/02/2024 16:12

a) It's none of your business
b) He's only moving 20 minutes away! Not three hours
c) It's none of your business

Original poster
Awaanbileyirheid · 21/02/2024 16:13

Damn I messed up title! It should be DS,'s best friends dad!

OP posts:
SpicyMargaritaPlease · 21/02/2024 16:13

Oh my gosh no, you can't tell the dad! It's absolutely none of your business and not your place to get involved. You don't even know the full story, just what you've heard through an 11 year old.

takealettermsjones · 21/02/2024 16:14

Shame for the kids but MYOB definitely. Keep up communications with the dad though so you can still arrange playdates for the kids.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 21/02/2024 16:14

I would ask him what's going on, absolutely. She has no right to do this to him and it sounds like it will negatively impact DS and their relationship.

FirstTimeMum897 · 21/02/2024 16:14

Do not get involved. Not your business. The move will still go ahead and all you're going to get it grief.

PandaChopChop · 21/02/2024 16:15

Absolutely don't get involved. Sounds like it will come out anyway. Ignorance is bliss and all that

LoveFood · 21/02/2024 16:20

No No NO. Do not get involved. For a start, with the best will in the world, an 11 year old's version of what is happening in complicated adult issues is not particularly reliable. The version of the story your DS and his BF are giving you may bear just a small resemblance to the truth (I speak from experience - DD regularly comes home upset that her BFF is moving schools... her BFF is NOT moving schools and her parents have no intention of moving her until the end of year 6).

If you want this friend to maintain the relationship with your DS then, after the move has actually happened, text the mum/dad to ask about arranging playdates now that BF is not at school any more.

GRex · 21/02/2024 16:20

Depends how well you know both mum and dad; I would inform the teacher that the kids are upset and why, and let them decide if they want to tell dad this week.

It can be easy to end up "siding" with a parent when really you only know the situation as far as it's been presented to you. There is one divorced couple in our class where we know for certain that BOTH have lied to one or both of us about the other on specific points; which means we simply couldn't trust either and would never get involved. Just because you prefer dad, or if it were mum, it is worth remembering that you do not know exactly what's going on.

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

Sunset6 · 21/02/2024 16:22

If it’s happening in 2 days time he’ll find out soon enough - keep your nose out of it - you can always get back in touch with the dad in a week or so to say you are still up for play dates etc

CuriousGeorge80 · 21/02/2024 16:34

I’d be doing what @Teaandsympathy suggested!

5128gap · 21/02/2024 16:34

You have no idea from your social level knowledge of these people what is going on in that household. Unless you have reason to think the child is at risk in some way (in which case, report to the school) then please don't interfere.

Original poster
Awaanbileyirheid · 21/02/2024 16:40

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

I'm thinking the daft wee lassie approach!
I try not to take sides or get involved. Dad is nice, mum is nice. Kid is nice.
I have more contact with Dad as he is more involved. Mum and new boyfriend are very strict.
This happened last year when BF was told by mum again to keep it secret, that he was going to a different high school from all his friends. Dad's solicitor got involved and as far as I'm aware they're supposed to stay in both primary and secondary school in our town.
Someone mentioned it's only 20 mins away. Yes but it's a different region and rural. There's no public transport to their wee town.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/02/2024 16:41

The kids just moving to a more local to his house school rather than moving house again? If so I don’t get what the big deal is. Unless the new school is going to be dire and this one’s amazing I fail to see the huge issue.

Unless dad wants to go to court he isn’t going to be able to stop him moving schools either.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 21/02/2024 16:41

I wouldn't get involved. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes.

ladykale · 21/02/2024 16:42

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

I would do this! Make it seem like an innocent mistake

Bythefireside · 21/02/2024 16:42

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

Me too it’s ridiculous not to mention it

OhmygodDont · 21/02/2024 16:43

Cross posted about courts and shit. In that case frankly id keep my mouth shut. I’m not getting involved in some lawyer type drama between ex parents over schools.

Also as far as your aware is just one persons version of events just remember that regardless of it was coming from mum or dad.

romdowa · 21/02/2024 16:44

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

This would be my approach too. Play dumb and mention it innocently as if you thought he knew about the move. The guy deserves to know

Barbarbaranne · 21/02/2024 16:46

Jesus Christ no, stay out of it.
You have no idea why it's happening - she might have a very good reason for not telling her ex.

ancienticecream · 21/02/2024 16:50

I'd go with Teaandsympathy's approach, too. I don't understand why the father has not been told his own son has been made to move schools? He has joint custody and sees his kid 50/50!

Woodyandbuzz1 · 21/02/2024 16:53

The mother shouldn't be making the son lie to his dad, that's awful

mirror245 · 21/02/2024 16:54

If a child was crying in my presence then yes I would address it with the dad.

FlippityFloppityFlump · 21/02/2024 16:57

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

I would do this too.