Do I tell DS's sons dad that his mum is moving schools in 2 days?

[Awaanbileyirheid]

Ds came home from school today crying as his best friend is moving schools on Monday. (They're 11).
Thing is, his dad has not consented to move and has joint custody.
BF lives 50/50 with mum in one town and dad in our town. They're from here, been at school here from nursery.
BF mum moved 20 mins away last year with new boyfriend. Just after his dad was awarded joint custody. Dad hasnt got a car so they've shared kid since but remained at school.
I get on with both parents but his dad makes more effort with kid as he sees at that age, kids want to do stuff with friends.
Mum thinks he's autistic (he's not diagnosed) and rarely allows play dates.
Today DS and BF crying as mum moving schools to her new town. All secret tho, he mustnt tell his dad.
Do I tell the dad? The poor kid is in pieces as is my DS.
Or is it none of my business? Keep gob shut and comfort kids?

this! Can you imagine the responses if this was the other way around? It’s insane.

Yep. Unless you know what's going on behind closed doors, you could do a lot more harm than good.

Has the mum directly come to you to ask to keep it a secret?

I would flag it with safeguarding at school .

Tell him as soon as possible and I would also be informing the school as pp suggested. If there is a court order in place its going to cause a world of problems for them too

As someone said above - if a dad did this and kept it from the mum, everyone would be up in arms saying you need to say something. So say something.

Surely at least you should tell bf's dad that his son was very upset today even if you're not sure of the truth of the matter.

I’m all in favour of myob regardless of sex unless the child is at risk.

If there is a court order regarding moving schools the school should know as the dad would have lodged it. The child’s current school will know they are moving as you have to get a form filled in by them to apply for an in year transfer. At which point they would have notified the dad if it required it. Because who gets a court order about school and doesn’t share it with… school…

I hated in year transfer paperwork and I’m with my children’s father. Page after page after page. Also hated basically feeling like I needed the schools permission to move schools like why did I need a form from them 😅

I'd definitely mention it, mostly because of the child not wanting to change schools. If the child is undiagnosed ASD then moving could be incredibly stressful for him. How is the Dad supposed to get the kid to school with no public transport and no car? Also, it's utterly unfair to make such a huge move and expect the kid to keep it a secret from his Dad.

Add to that the previous involvement with solicitors re schools and the fact the child could lose their place permanently at his current school and yes, I wouldn't think twice about mentioning it.

It's one thing minding your business, it's quite another sitting back and allowing something to happen to a child that is potentially unfair and harmful.

This for me too. Kids can’t keep secrets and anyone could’ve found out accidentally (as you did). Neither mum nor dad need to know you knew it was a secret, you’re just a mum trying to maintain a relationship between the boys.

I totally would be texting the dad and ask if you can take the best friend out at the weekend with ds as a good bye and good luck for him starting his new school on Monday..

If dad has joint custody, just imagine if it were our child and their dad was doing this. Damned right you’d tell the lad’s dm.

there is something not quite right in the dm/stepD camp

play the dumb lassie card and play it well.

I personally would stay out of it.

The son of your son could have got it wrong and you’d end up causing massive issues for nothing.

He cannot stop them moving, even if it’s going to cause transport issues.

So you will basically be fanning the flames and getting yourself (and son) involved, for no reason.

He will find out soon enough and then you can be there to support him and perhaps help with transport.

I mean, yes, if the situation were reversed, and let’s say the mum were posting, instead of a friend of the mum, I’d be all for warning her that this sounds like a case of “dad not returning child at the end of the weekend and the police will do nothing because it’s a civil matter, and it will take a while to get to court and if you’re already broke from going to court before, the other person may be relying on that.” In this case, the genders are switched and a friend IS posting, but… it’s the same. This really sounds like a set up to not return DS’ best friend when he’s supposed to be returned, or why the lie? Why the secret? No child should ever be told to keep secrets from a parent unless they’re an abuser. I think you can play the daft lassie, OP, but I’d recommend you do it very, very soon.

She's breaching a custody agreement and in doing so will no doubt say he verbally agreed,then when he cannot get his child to the new school on time she will use it against him in court to get a less even custody split saying he cannot get the child to school. I would personally say ds told me about the school move is ....excited for the new school?

Difficult one. Will you see Dad at school or would you have to go out of your way to mention it?

Definitely tell the dad. I'm honestly shocked by how many people want to ignore all the red flags. Surely in the dad's place, we'd all want to know??

Can't be doing with MYOB as a moral position. Based on what you've told us, I'd definitely tell the dad, but I'd be inclined to talk to the mum first just in case there's an abuse situation that she's trying to extract the child from. If she actually tells you that, then I'd speak to safeguarding at school instead of the dad, to make sure they're aware (a) that the dad doesn't know what's going on and (b) this is what the mum alleges is the reason why. Tread carefully, obviously.

I'd like to know how the MYOB brigade think you should explain to your child why you're just going to ignore his BF's mum telling BF to lie to his dad. Don't imagine it won't come up again.

Sorry but yes I'd tell.

I'd love to know how many of the posters saying MYOB would say that if they were in this Dad's position. @Teaandsympathy has it absolutely nailed. Please do say something.

I'd tell school, urgently, what you believe to be happening from what your soon has told you.

Don’t think anyone’s said this yet, but talk to the mum first. That way you’ll know if it’s a misunderstanding or if the move is to deliberately scupper the dad’s access.

She may well have a good reason for secretly moving her son - if you met my ex, he’d come across as a brilliant and involved dad. It’s a completely different story behind closed doors though 😢. She might be trying to protect her child from him. One thing that made me raise an eyebrow is that you’d said he’s more keen to do play dates. While this is obviously a nice thing for his son, it did make me think that maybe he doesn’t know what to do with his child by himself so he finds other kids/people to occupy his son as much as possible. My ex is a master at this…he barely talks to our kids or spends time with them when they’re alone with him at his house.

Goodness, I can’t imagine getting involved in a mess like that. Surely you will end up getting burnt.

If he lives with the dad 50% of the time , how will that work? The dad will take him to school to be told that the child no longer goes there ?
I don’t think the mum can move the child’s school without the dad’s permission if they both have parental responsibility.

I'd tell the Dad I'm afraid. They've got joint custody.