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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I tell DS's sons dad that his mum is moving schools in 2 days?

271 replies

Awaanbileyirheid · 21/02/2024 16:10

Ds came home from school today crying as his best friend is moving schools on Monday. (They're 11).
Thing is, his dad has not consented to move and has joint custody.
BF lives 50/50 with mum in one town and dad in our town. They're from here, been at school here from nursery.
BF mum moved 20 mins away last year with new boyfriend. Just after his dad was awarded joint custody. Dad hasnt got a car so they've shared kid since but remained at school.
I get on with both parents but his dad makes more effort with kid as he sees at that age, kids want to do stuff with friends.
Mum thinks he's autistic (he's not diagnosed) and rarely allows play dates.
Today DS and BF crying as mum moving schools to her new town. All secret tho, he mustnt tell his dad.
Do I tell the dad? The poor kid is in pieces as is my DS.
Or is it none of my business? Keep gob shut and comfort kids?

OP posts:
catzrulz · 21/02/2024 19:58

I'd tell the school, but maybe they know already?
It's not fair to Dad if he only finds out at the weekend, surely he needs time to speak to his lawyer?
Who has the wee one over the weekend? I can't see BF managing not to tell Dad over the weekend if he is with him.

Diamondcurtains · 21/02/2024 19:58

Surely his son will tell him if it’s 50/50? If not has the mum told the child not to tell his dad!? If so that’s wrong on so many levels ☹️. I think I’d drop it “innocently” into conversation. It depends on so many things though 🤷

Dunnoburt · 21/02/2024 20:02

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

I'd probably do this tbh xx

.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/02/2024 20:09

If they have joint care and Dad has PR she can't just make that decision unilaterally. That's really difficult. She must know he could very quickly apply for prohibited steps. I'd play dumb and mention it.

PuttingDownRoots · 21/02/2024 20:09

I agree with a previous suggestion to talk to the school. They will be best positioned to know the facts re court orders etc especially if the boy is being told to lie to his father.

mumedu · 21/02/2024 20:12

It is not for you to tell.

Gymnopedie · 21/02/2024 20:19

Who has the wee one over the weekend? I can't see BF managing not to tell Dad over the weekend if he is with him.

It depends on what the mum has said to him. If she's gone really heavy on 'it must be a secret' he may be too scared to say anything, however much he wants to.

JustWoww · 21/02/2024 20:19

Tell the school what you know and leave it to them. Don’t get involved - you don’t know the full story.

whynotwhatknot · 21/02/2024 20:20

if its court ordered hhe stays in same school id say someting

oterwise not much dad can do-my dsis tried to stop my nephew being moved school said cant do anyting as bot parents have pr

Daffyyellow · 21/02/2024 20:21

I would say something. I like @Teaandsympathy ’s approach.

Gonners · 21/02/2024 20:30

@Awaanbileyirheid This happened last year when BF was told by mum again to keep it secret, that he was going to a different high school from all his friends. Dad's solicitor got involved and as far as I'm aware they're supposed to stay in both primary and secondary school in our town.

Well that is quite the drip-feed, isn't it?

Enko · 21/02/2024 20:31

I absolutely would tell the dad. If he has just been granted joint residency there is highly likely to be a order that they have joint decision making. She cant decide what she feels is right.

I do agree with the "oh this is so sad hope we can keep in touch" approach

Mammajay · 21/02/2024 20:32

I think you should indirectly tell the dad in the way you mentioned. Joint custody should mean sharing decisions.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/02/2024 20:34

I think it’s awful. But be aware that if you spill the beans the mum may not let you have any more contact with the son. I’m sure it will be a case of shoot the messenger. Can you anonymously flag it with the school as a safeguarding issue?? That the boy has been made to lie/ is crying and court order etc. that way it won’t be clear whether it’s a parent or teacher that raised it and you’re in the clear. It would be a shame for the boy to lose access to you and your son for play dates.

TheFireflies · 21/02/2024 20:34

Trulyme · 21/02/2024 19:24

Well he could try but I can’t see a court siding with him.

It makes sense that a child attends their local primary and secondary school.

Of course he should be informed but I don’t think that’s for OP to do.

The current primary school will be aware of the transfer and if dad has 50/50 access then he’ll also have all of the communication that mum does and so chances are he’s already aware.

Show quote history

Given his current school is local to his father with whom he lives 50% of the time, that it’s his usual school where he’s settled and has friends, that moving may impact on his time with his dad due to transport issues, and that mum is trying to do it on the quiet, I think it’s almost certain that if dad goes to court the judge will “side with him” when weighing up what’s in the child’s best interests.

Particularly so if there’s an existing court order.

tachetastic · 21/02/2024 20:34

Awaanbileyirheid · 21/02/2024 16:40

I'm thinking the daft wee lassie approach!
I try not to take sides or get involved. Dad is nice, mum is nice. Kid is nice.
I have more contact with Dad as he is more involved. Mum and new boyfriend are very strict.
This happened last year when BF was told by mum again to keep it secret, that he was going to a different high school from all his friends. Dad's solicitor got involved and as far as I'm aware they're supposed to stay in both primary and secondary school in our town.
Someone mentioned it's only 20 mins away. Yes but it's a different region and rural. There's no public transport to their wee town.

Show quote history

If the mum is doing this because of issues within their family that you know nothing about, you could be doing irreparable damage.

Think of all the threads on Mumsnet where people are advising mothers to take steps regarding their DCs safety without their ex's knowledge.

Do you really want to "let it slip" to the dad and then have the mum turn up at school with a black eye or not at all?

I am not saying this is the case, but none of us know. I would keep out of it.

Honeyroar · 21/02/2024 20:35

The poor bloke. My husband had this happen to him. He only found out a couple of days before, when it was all final. His son was 10 and absolutely distraught about losing his friends, and my husband was so upset over it all too. His ex wife just wanted to move back to her parents after splitting up with her second husband and having to leave the house. It was actually nearer to us, but that wasn’t the point, the child had already been pulled out of one school when she left my husband and moved into the new man’s house (who became her next husband). Two years later she changed his school back again. My husband never got a say, and we didn’t have the money to fight her (her dad is a millionaire and funded her solicitors so she always got her own way).
I hope you told him somehow. All the people on here that would just sit back and watch someone else get shit on depress me.

PrincessTeaSet · 21/02/2024 20:36

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/02/2024 20:34

I think it’s awful. But be aware that if you spill the beans the mum may not let you have any more contact with the son. I’m sure it will be a case of shoot the messenger. Can you anonymously flag it with the school as a safeguarding issue?? That the boy has been made to lie/ is crying and court order etc. that way it won’t be clear whether it’s a parent or teacher that raised it and you’re in the clear. It would be a shame for the boy to lose access to you and your son for play dates.

The playdates are on dad's time so it wouldn't be up to the mum to stop them.

PrincessTeaSet · 21/02/2024 20:40

tachetastic · 21/02/2024 20:34

If the mum is doing this because of issues within their family that you know nothing about, you could be doing irreparable damage.

Think of all the threads on Mumsnet where people are advising mothers to take steps regarding their DCs safety without their ex's knowledge.

Do you really want to "let it slip" to the dad and then have the mum turn up at school with a black eye or not at all?

I am not saying this is the case, but none of us know. I would keep out of it.

Show quote history

Well the dad will find out next week so if he's going to be violent he'll do it then anyway.... I don't get what child safety issue could require the child to move schools without dad's consent (not knowledge as he will obviously find out when it happens) but still continue 50 50 custody .

tachetastic · 21/02/2024 20:43

PrincessTeaSet · 21/02/2024 20:40

Well the dad will find out next week so if he's going to be violent he'll do it then anyway.... I don't get what child safety issue could require the child to move schools without dad's consent (not knowledge as he will obviously find out when it happens) but still continue 50 50 custody .

Show quote history

Maybe, but still don't understand why anyone would interfere with someone else's private life.

If I was OP I would also be very wary of bumping into the mum. If she or any of her friends are on Mumsnet she'll know all about the plan to fake being innocent by now. This thread is not subtle.

MumblesParty · 21/02/2024 20:45

Yes I’d definitely tell him.

EmeraldRoses · 21/02/2024 20:45

Mumofteenandtween · 21/02/2024 17:42

This.

Show quote history

I'd definitely tell the dad. Can't believe all the responses saying don't tell him.

wronginalltherightways · 21/02/2024 20:46

Teaandsympathy · 21/02/2024 16:21

Going against the grain but i think I’d check with the dad… play the daft lassie… “just heard ds friend is moving schools next week. ds is so sad, hope we can keep in touch”

I'd be inclined to do this...

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/02/2024 20:50

Do not get involved !

unless you were in Court during their divorce, and have a copy of every bit of their paperwork, then you don't know anything - do you.

IF mum is breaking a ruling then that is between her, the Dad and the Court.

Aprilrosesews · 21/02/2024 20:54

tachetastic · 21/02/2024 20:34

If the mum is doing this because of issues within their family that you know nothing about, you could be doing irreparable damage.

Think of all the threads on Mumsnet where people are advising mothers to take steps regarding their DCs safety without their ex's knowledge.

Do you really want to "let it slip" to the dad and then have the mum turn up at school with a black eye or not at all?

I am not saying this is the case, but none of us know. I would keep out of it.

Show quote history

I was 90% in agreement with the daft lassie approach. BUT, when I think about the repercussions of you telling him then this is what I think about.

What if he finds out before and is secretly abusive. What if this is the think that tips him over the edge and he kills the kid to hurt his ex wife. You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself.