Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

You couldn't afford the house he wanted. Could he have afforded it, without your contribution? He needs to ring-fence what he's putting in and stop getting you in debt. Would he be able to keep the house if this causes a split?

To untangle this you need a declaration of trust setting out your respective contributions and share of the house going forward. That includes the contributions you made to his previous house.

You should both take independent legal advice before signing any such document, this is a highly complex financial situation.

@Ponoka7 yes he would be able to afford to keep it on his own but would be very tight. As my name suggests it is just making me want to run away from it all as I am not someone who has ever been in debt nor do I want to be.

You need to sit down and talk to him.
Tell him everything you wrote in your OP.

You paid half of his mortgage for some years, was this accounted for in your original contribution split? Or did he just assume it as his share?
How long for would you need to pay extra mortgage to "balance out" the discrepancy?
Finally, if you can't afford to fix something, you can't afford it. He can finance it or go without. If he want's you to pay him back, you can set a realistic timeline.
The relationship sounds very transactional and I don't see it going on for much longer. I think you need to do proper sums and contact a solicitor.

I would suggest that you ask to make a time to sit down and discuss it with him.

Don't just spring it on him.

And then say that you like the house, it you really cannot afford to keep paying for all the things he wants. And that you are feeling stressed and upset about this because you aren't bothered about living in this house and would rather feel financially less stressed and live somewhere else.

You could then offer options to him:

As he is paying for renovations then you keep a record and he owns more then 50 per cent of the house (this can be done legally)

You both move somewhere cheaper

You move out and get somewhere cheaper on your own.

He is being pretty unreasonable and is basically dictating how you spend your money.

No it doesn't seem fair.
Are you married? Legally or not do you see yourselves as life partners?

While I understand people who bring more money into a partnership wanting to protect that it's just not possible for most people to leave on a completely equal financial basis.
The world isn't financially fair. He may not see it as fair that he puts more in....but is it fair that some people earn more than others for the same hours worked? Or some houses cost more for same size? Or some people inherit huge amounts of money while others grow up with nothing? No of course not.

So him insisting you okay in the same amount is not fair and not sustainable.

If I was buying a house with a DP (I did years ago) we would still do it on a partnership basis.
The modest deposit came from my parents and that was ring fenced. But as a couple we earn X and as a couple we spend Y.
Just because one earns more or one spends less that person doesn't get to build up huge savings while the other builds up huge debts.

@Catza it was not accounted for and all proceeds of the sale were his. He framed this as the fact that I'd never have got a rental so cheaply! I actually paid half of the estate agent fees etc but didn't get anything from the sale. Yes it feels very transactional and I'm worried for my financial state as if we ever had kids or I was made redundant etc I think I'd be expected to still stump up half. I am expected to pay half of the mortgage until it's paid off. I did dispute this when moving here as the mortgage was higher than previous house and again talked about adjusting end ownership % but I feel like he thought I was being a bit of a freeloader and pressured into agreeing. Luckily I have a good job but not getting to enjoy any of the cash I work hard for.

sorry that should read I am expected to pay 2/3 of mortgage until it's paid off

@Octavia64 thanks really helpful suggestions of how to approach. @Mumof2teens79 not married, planning to in the future. We have completely separate finances so it's always trying to make sure things are even. Thanks for this as puts in perspective. I'd like to be able to split things more fairly or put it in to one pot but I'm not sure I trust it as there has been a few times when we have worked out my share of things it's been over estimated. Just don't think we are working as a team financially but not sure how to get us on the same page without him thinking I'm trying to benefit from his investment.

This very much sounds like some sort of financial manipulation. I would contact a solicitor as soon as possible to see where you stand legally. Is your current ownership 50/50? If so, I would be looking to get out of this arrangement as soon as possible. You sound as though you are not married so you really need to get your life back on track before you are drowning under a debt with no equity to show for it.
He squirreled away a substantial portion of your earnings. It's quite irrelevant whether or not you hypothetically could have rented somewhere cheaper. The set up seems extremely unfair to you as it doesn't sound like either of you really know how much you "owe" him but it seems to be massively skewed in his favour.
ETA: it's not his investment. It's your joint investment. Of course, you should be able to benefit from it.

He’s taking the piss and I don’t blame you for wanting to run away.

I think you need to have a serious chat and take it from there.

Are you both on the deeds?

Dangerous to do this kind of thing without being married…

Both on deeds as joint owners and nothing wrote up to stipulate what we put in or to change the percentage as we are aiming for me to be 50% owner by end of mortgage. There's an audit trail to solicitor when we bought of deposits coming from each bank but that's it and of course doesn't account for my increased mortgage payments and splitting of all the home improvements so not sure how it would work if we did split. Not that I'm currently planning to just working out options.

This all seems totally unfair. You are paying 2/3s mortgage which is predominantly interest.

Your best bet is to seek some legal advice and get something drawn up which represents both your deposit contributions then a 50/50 split on the remainder of the house.

It could also include any works done that are paid by just one of you.

I think you also really need to have an open conversation with him about finances his attitude doesn't seem helpful for a relationship where you are considering marriage and lifetime commitment to each other.

Thanks all, I think I have to talk to him and hopefully have a reasonable conversation about things feeling unfair and how to move forward as this just doesn't feel sustainable for me.

It is good that he wanted you to have 50% ownership, but it's just not working for you financially.

I would sit down and work out the total cost so far and who has put what in, then work out the percentages and then change the deeds so that you own it in those proportions and then pay the mortgage in the same ratio.

If you manage to save money separately over time you could pay a lump sum off the mortgage and change the deeds again.

This all sounds very transactional for two people who are planning to marry. When you're married all assets are joint. Are you sure he wants to get married? My spidey senses are up that he is protecting his assets (absolutely nothing wrong with that in principle and I'd advise anyone to do the same) but it just feels ...off.

I'm not sure I could be with someone who is dictating what I do with my money. And you paying higher mortgage payments to make up for lower deposit feels odd. You'll never be able to save. Plus you don't like the house.

Say you'd like to sit down and discuss, calmly. Don't spring it on him.

Personally I think you need to see a solicitor. At the very least write it all down so it's there in black and white.

Do you love him? Really genuinely? Is it only the financial side that you are finding difficult? Finances are a huge thing in a relationship, if you're not on the same page now you may struggle in future and it will only get worse when you have kids.

Sorry @runningaway90 I appreciate my post does not answer your actual question, but I think there are broader issues here.

Get legal advice and a contract created. Currently this doesn't work. He feels shorted and you are being ground down.

With regards to you paying towards his previous mortgage I do agree with him that that was more like rent. Had you lived elsewhere you would have been paying more in rent so I think it's fair that you paid to live in his house. This topic comes up a lot on mn and the general view is that it wouldn't be fair for the live in partner to pay nothing whilst the house owner houses them for free.

If you don't want to go down the solicitors route, this is how I would personally handle it. You pay mortgage 50/50 from now on, you agree that your original deposit contribution is a stand-alone "debt to him" and you work out a schedule to overpay your mortgage by a certain amount annually to clear this "debt". For example, if his deposit was 100k and yours 20k, then you "owe" him 80k. You can work out what amount of that sum you can afford to overpay on top of your mortgage contributions. And you take your broker payment for the sale of his previous house off the total amount as well.
If he wants all repairs to be 50/50, then you need to agree on these repairs jointly. If you can't afford to replace the roof, then the roof isn't going to be replaced. That's just what life is for a lot of people who don't have access to inheritance and need to live within their means. If he unilaterally decides to go ahead, it's his money and his alone.
This is, considering, you are willing to let him off your previous property mortgage contributions. I don't think you are legally entitled to them but morally, it is strange for him to elect to just pocket the equity you helped him to build.

I can only imagine what kind of a pickle you are going to be in if you break up and have to sell the house....

@winewinewine23 a good point I guess. I know that he definitely wants to protect his assets and I think marriage would be more driven by me. I do feel things are a bit extreme as though I am trying to do him out of money but I ironically am the higher earner (and still struggling to pay for everything!). I do love him but you may be right of bigger issues as I don't feel I can bring this up and for it to be discussed fairly.

It's all just a bit messy and I don't see him being happy to change the current set up.

@Catza If you don't want to go down the solicitors route, this is how I would personally handle it. You pay mortgage 50/50 from now on, you agree that your original deposit contribution is a stand-alone "debt to him" and you work out a schedule to overpay your mortgage by a certain amount annually to clear this "debt". For example, if his deposit was 100k and yours 20k, then you "owe" him 80k.

On the above example I just want to make it clear that you would not owe him 80K but 40K. The total deposit is 120K so to even it out you would both pay 60K each in which case your payment to him would be 40K.

Do not have children with this man.

The amount of posts I see on here of women struggling financially when on mat leave because their partner treats their finances so separately. You are not describing a partnership here, it certainly seems alien to me anyway.

This sounds like coercive control dressed up as financial manipulation.

Have a look at the freedom programme OP, it might help. I suspect there are other areas of your relationship that aren’t right, hence your strong instinctual gut feeling to run away.

listen to it, but get some really solid financial advice before you split and sell.