Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Many, many years ago DH and I had a financial disagreement which we didn't seem to be able to resolve in a 'well I paid for this' versus a 'yeah, but I paid for that' scenario. I literally got all the bank statements and put everything onto a spreadsheet, it put down in black and white what each contribution had been.

To add he could have had his deposit ring fenced and just split 50/50, this don't marriage material

Well, that's something....I suppose. But now this means this is the second house where he's got you paying 2/3. Buying and selling houses costs money (stamp duty, estate agent fees etc), has he made you pay 2/3 of those costs too?

He's really leveraging that inheritance, isn't he? This is how rich people stay rich and get richer. He didn't make any money, he's investing what he's been given, improving his quality of life, and getting you to cover the costs

@runningaway90 you have paid back way more than his share of the deposit by now, you must have done.

i have never heard of his way of evening it all up, as most people go to see a solicitor to draw up the deed of trust that states the share of the house. This is just so unfair on you any solicitor would surely never have allowed it to happen.
the usual ways are to ring fence the deposit, or to own different percentages and thus pay different percentages of the mortgage. All other bills are 50:50.

this is scary, how much he is scamming you.

spreadsheet now, get started this minute.
going back to the beginning of your owning houses jointly.
dont get pregnant, he will have you paying four times over when you are on Mat Leave, but explaining it in a way that makes it seem reasonable.

It all sounds very divided. You are supposed to be a team. You sound more like business partners or house mates. If you get married it’s all irrelevant BUT I would be wary marrying someone this grabby.

You pay 2/3rds of the mortgage yet I do all the daily running of the house (cleaning, washings, shopping etc), he does more of the DIY and cleans the cars when he can be arsed.

Plus he is pissed off if you arrange a get-together with friends??

I'd be binning him.

Thanks all. Definitely going to get a spreadsheet of everything before I speak to him and suggest we speak to a solicitor who can help us agree a better way to split things.

OP you need your own solicitor, speak to them first without your DP. I deal with this everyday for both commercial and personal and come across it all, fair and corrupt - your set up is absolutely bonkers, well done for realising and starting to question it etc. There are so many other ways and legal structures that can be used to be totally reasonable and fair to you both, you need to really tackle this head on and get it sorted and protect yourself, if not and it can’t be mutually worked out between you then that will tell you all you need to know to decide whether this is a relationship for you and your future.

No this is not fair. You should have had equal equity of the mortgage you paid. If you hadn't paid towards the mortgage, then he wouldn't have been able to save a bigger deposit. Can't he see that? It all sounds very transactional and not the behaviour of someone who will actually marry you, if his intentions were marriage, he would see everything as 50-50 as they would be in marriage.

I'd be thinking about getting out of this relationship entirely, nothing worse than a tight arse which he obviously is!

Yes you should have. It's actually not funny. I don't know anyone who would have thought "Oh yes, I'd like to date this man, he's lovely" after the birthday voucher thing.

Not only is he a mean man to be with, if you have children with him and split, he'll be an even meaner man to be split from.

You can't say you weren't warned.

@Pallisers I know - I am making light of it however I don't think it's a joke, I am realising some of the red flags and wondering why I didn't realise sooner.

He sounds like a tight bastard to me. Doesn’t sound very loving or caring watching you struggle, I think you deserve better OP

Because you trusted him & everything is then interpreted in the light of that trust!
I also think you should get your own advisor, then you can weigh things up without him trying to spin it for his benefit.

You need to tell him that he can ring fence his deposit. Get it legally drawn up.

Then divide the mortgage costs 50.50. As far as repairs are concerned you don't do them until you both have the cash to pay for them. Pay them 50. 50.
If he wants to do the repairs earlier or spend more than you have that is on him and at his expense.

He is getting you into debt. You need to put a stop to it.

DP and I are buying a house. I have a big deposit he doesn’t. No plans to marry.

We’ve put a declaration of trust in place so that I get my deposit back first when we sell the house, then it’s 50\50. I understand he wants to protect his investment but there’s a better way to do it than to force you into poverty. That’s not fair on you.

There's a lot wrong with this premise. At it's simplest, it doesn't account for the impact of interest or the time value of money.

If you need solicitors to sort this, you might as well get them to advice of the sale and go your seperate ways.

Maternity leave, if you are planning it, will cause s lot if issues too.

There seems to be a lot of red flags here.

It's very difficult to resolve differences with someone who is do entrenched in their monetary views and doesn't treat you as an equal or see you both as a partnership.

@runningaway90 please don't marry this man, and definitely don't have children with him. Reading all your posts just make me so angry on your behalf; he's manipulating you and taking advantage of you. A mean man will never change. I would try and get as much as you can out of this financially, and then run, as fast and as far as you can. I don't say that lightly.

Do you think this relationship is sustainable? Honestly I would be tempted to sell up and split.

Get the money back for food shopping?

Is this like every time you shop for groceries? How does this go? Honestly, this feels like such a strange set up as a 'loving' relationship.

Maybe you could have a quick session with a financial advisor on your own before seeing a solicitor together, just to help you understand this all and represent yourself a bit better when it comes to those more difficult conversations.

What a stingy fucking tightarse. The example where you pay him back and also pay out for repairs… just no. If you haven’t paid him 5k, don’t. If you have, take your repairs money down to 5. And buy a second clothes hamper and STOP cooking or cleaning or doing his washign!! This is what you need to say:
‘I realised you split all the money or charge me more, but you seem happy with me doing a lot of the housework. I’m not happy with this. I’m not happy in a relationship where you’re out to win, I wouldn’t actually call it a relationship. I can’t have a baby with you, it makes a woman very vulnerable and I do not trust you enough. Men who don’t cook or clean or do dishes are also men who don’t parent and change nappies and do night feeds, and men who insist on splitting pennies no matter how little their partner has left every month are men who insist their partners look after a baby 24/7 and still contribute financially. No sane woman should ever have a baby with such a man. I need a real man who contributes fairly, pulls his weight in all ways, and most importantly who care about me. You’re not ticking any of those boxes right now.’

@madeinthe80z you know I didn't even think this was too weird as I am now just used to everything being split or kept score of but yes it really feels like a business relationship or trying to split things with a tight friend. I'm just used to it and now obviously I do the same thing as I'm not willing to foot the bills when he asks for half back when he pays.

I read this with interest. As a neutral third party observer can I say OP that it seems your present situation is unfair to you. Both financially and emotionally.
I think you are enmeshed in this relationship and are trying to untangle the two. I couldn't say if it has a chance of working that depends on your partner.
However his values and attitudes are based on a bedrock of suspicion of you. His opinion expressed by you throughout your contributions is that you are trying to rip him off. This is no basis for business partners let alone personal partners.
I have a friend who works with people who have similar issues , that is complex problematic relationships with people and money and emotions, she always says to them, if you could wake up tomorrow and your life be fixed so you would be happy, tell me what is different to now. Then we can work on removing those bits that in your dream are gone. I hope I have explained that right.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit this! That's exactly it, feels like he is suspicious of me. He's said on a few occasions (can't remember exactly what about) that it feels very much like I'm trying to rip him off. I'm not sure where this has came from as I think I've really tried to make sure things feel fair, when we first met I was just out of university and really low paid but made sure I halved everything. It's all a bit strange when I've really started thinking about it and realising that other peoples relationships don't work this way.

This doesn't seem fair to me and it certainly isn't in the spirit of a mutual partnership, at least not in my opinion. You haven't bought this house as friends, you bought it as a couple. You should be splitting to mortgage 50/50 and unless one of you earns considerably more than the other. He can protect his proportionally higher deposit with a document from a solicitor but you shouldn't be paying him to make it up. He sounds a bit petty and mean.