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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does this sound financially fair?

878 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Calendulaaria · 19/12/2025 22:37

I could be wrong, but he sounds a bit of a bully? You seem worried to try to have a reasonable conversation with him about this.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 19/12/2025 22:44

Hey OP! Thanks for coming back and explaining what made you go back, it really is surprising what we'll accept in the hope of saving a relationship at times.

I'm glad that it's truly over now. Look after yourself, and in future BEWARE controlling men, dogs are much nicer, and don't have trouble showing how much they love and appreciate us!! 😂

KTheGrey · 19/12/2025 22:55

Great to hear your update - it is so hard to leave a relationship always, but you did it. And you have a puppy! Sounds like it’s all coming round for you and I am so happy to hear it.

Have a great Christmas and Very Happy New Year 🥳

biggestcatmom · 19/12/2025 23:06

.

Theslummymummy · 19/12/2025 23:36

No its not at all fair, he's financially controlling, which is abuse.

Its not even like he's earning his share so expects the same kind of work ethic from you. He's just inherited it and now thinks he can whip you into working harder to pay for the lifestyle he craves/demands.

Leave the fucker.

HarrietStyles · 20/12/2025 13:05

Great to hear an update from you @runningaway90 Don’t beat yourself up for going back for 6 months - you learnt from it and made absolutely certain that you gave him every chance to change.

But he fundamentally couldn’t change - he is a mean and selfish person, who couldn’t change, even when given chance after chance. Going back and giving him one last chance enabled you to know with absolute conviction that leaving him was the correct decision. There is no doubt that you are better without him. If you had not gone back to him, you might still be thinking “what if”. So don’t have any regrets about that 6 months.

I wish you and your new doggy the happiest of Christmas and I wish for nothing but positivity for you in 2026 🥰

runningaway90 · 20/12/2025 18:08

HarrietStyles · 20/12/2025 13:05

Great to hear an update from you @runningaway90 Don’t beat yourself up for going back for 6 months - you learnt from it and made absolutely certain that you gave him every chance to change.

But he fundamentally couldn’t change - he is a mean and selfish person, who couldn’t change, even when given chance after chance. Going back and giving him one last chance enabled you to know with absolute conviction that leaving him was the correct decision. There is no doubt that you are better without him. If you had not gone back to him, you might still be thinking “what if”. So don’t have any regrets about that 6 months.

I wish you and your new doggy the happiest of Christmas and I wish for nothing but positivity for you in 2026 🥰

That has summed up exactly how I feel about it all! Thank you. Hope you have a lovely Christmas and wishing you all the best too! ❤

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/12/2025 18:27

Did you ever receive your equity from the house ? or did you have to give up.

runningaway90 · 20/12/2025 22:18

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/12/2025 18:27

Did you ever receive your equity from the house ? or did you have to give up.

It'll take a few months to sort still sadly but I will get something yes.

OP posts:
runningaway90 · 20/12/2025 22:22

I just wanted to also add, I have had so much support from family, friends, an amazing counsellor and even colleagues and I've still found it this hard. And still needed all of the amazing support on here!
Just wanted to say that I now realise how hard it is to get out of when there is so much manipulation and I'm so lucky that I have been able to do that as I have support from so many angles. And I'm definitely going to try my best to pay it back by giving advice here.

OP posts:
Abitofalark · 20/12/2025 23:02

That's a blast from the past! It's good to hear from you - thanks for coming back. It's a bit of a difficult thing to read after all the struggles you had to break free. You did find it almost impossible to make it happen. It was a titanic struggle and something - perhaps a kernel of fear - always intervened to frustrate your resolution to walk away. Staying away proved to be another challenge but you've been there and back and now have put it behind you finally.
I hope you are getting on well in your career - I remember how you went for promotion and were doing so well - and living arrangements. It all must have taken a lot out of you but also given you new strength and confidence in yourself from what you have achieved. It would be nice to keep in touch and to hear from you as you go forward, with finances still to sort out and a new way of life to build. Best wishes for a happy Christmas in the meantime and a better new year in the offing.

Bigcat25 · 20/12/2025 23:25

Congratulations op! Glad you made it. I remember this thread -great to hear that you got away.

ZebraD · 23/12/2025 08:37

Hey, so lovely to hear an update. I was just windering how you were getting along and was gonna find the post and ask for an update.
you are definitely not weak, don’t be too hard on yourself. Manipulating people have a way of getting round you. The point is you are where you are now. I hope you are feeling proud - you should be. It isn’t easy moving forward. But you have. Enjoy your Christmas with your puppy - how cute.

runningaway90 · 28/02/2026 20:14

Thanks all, in all honestly having a very very hard time but still no contact and I'm sure things will get better. Just don't understand why I'm struggling so much knowing it was the right thing to do and trying to make the best of it. I'm sure I'll get there soon.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 28/02/2026 20:19

I imagine you have a lot to grieve. Be gentle with yourself.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 28/02/2026 20:36

So sorry to hear you're still struggling OP. However, leaving a partner who you thought you would be with for life, is almost worse than a bereavement, as there is always the chance that you could bump into the person again, just as you're beginning to feel stronger, and this can really set you back.

Also, people can have a tendency to be rather tactless, asking if you've heard how the ex is getting on, that they've got a new job, new partner, new home, etc. All of these things hurt, because however bad things were when you finally found yourself able to end them, at one point, you loved this person, and thought you would be with them for EVER!

However, NOTHING lasts for EVER! Not the good things, and definitely NOT THE BAD either! As my DM used to say, you have to experience bad times to recognise the good times when they come along.

You WILL have good times again, it might just take a while, but in the meantime, count your blessings, as you have at least managed to leave. Other women will no doubt be writing on MN in the next few days, asking for advice on how to get away from an abusive man, they still have to go through the emotions brought about by the need to leave, and you at least have been lucky enough to have a LOT of support, which some people just don't have.

So get on and enjoy life the best you can, because as the old saying goes 'life is not a rehearsal'. I'm in my late 60's, and life is difficult for me due to ill health, so make the most of EVERY MINUTE, as you never know when the opportunities that you thought would be there for many years to come, might be cut short, and you don't want to end up regretting wasting time dwelling on 'what might have been', you NEED to make every minute count.

Good luck, and well done!

KTheGrey · 28/02/2026 21:42

It is a bit of a let down when you get out of a bad situation; all your hyper aware feelings that were keeping you alive turn off and it all feels a bit like living in black and white; suffering is in Technicolor but recovery is pretty sepia.

You will laugh and thrive again, but it takes time to unwind from years of emotional drudgery.

ManukaMoneyMaker · 28/02/2026 21:48

runningaway90 · 28/02/2026 20:14

Thanks all, in all honestly having a very very hard time but still no contact and I'm sure things will get better. Just don't understand why I'm struggling so much knowing it was the right thing to do and trying to make the best of it. I'm sure I'll get there soon.

If this helps, use it, but if it doesn't, discard it: reading through your posts tonight has helped me to see that I might be able to leave a similar situation. It's complicated as it involves marriage and kids, but there is hope.
Every week I look at flats for sale.
This man has made me believe I just don't understand finances. That I'd fail without him. And, silly as it sounds, I'd be leaving our elderly dog. Sometimes the dog has been the only thing stopping me.

So, do this for yourself. Yes, it took a fee goes. I've tried to leave so many times, and everytime I believe things will get better. And they do! But because I have changed more to fit him.

And if you can't do this for you, and if it helps to think about it a different way, do it for me, to give hope to others reading your story.

runningaway90 · 10/04/2026 20:24

Sorry to update this thread yet again (can't believe I started this 2 years ago!). Just to reassure, I am still no contact (bar a few abusive messages about finances) and getting on with life. He is still dragging his heels with resolving finances but in the hands of lawyers now. Really just to say that in the space of the last 6 weeks I think I have hit a massive turning point and feel so much better. I've been on holiday, met some dog walking friends nearby and started dating a lovely person recently (although early days and will be v cautious). Just feel things falling into place and can't believe how much better my life already is - beyond grateful I finally left! Thank you for the support in getting me here ☺️

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 10/04/2026 20:34

Glad to hear you are thriving - dog-walking friends are excellent for increasing happiness!

CheeseFiend40 · 10/04/2026 20:49

I'm always so glad to see an update and this is a fantastic one! Sorry to hear the financials are still dragging on but that just shows how ridiculously complicated it had all been made by him.
Would love to keep seeing updates, especially once the money side is all sorted x

Abitofalark · 10/04/2026 21:15

Always glad to hear from you, and know how you are doing, no matter what. Even better of course to hear that things are looking up and some clear air and fresh winds are blowing through your life. Keep doing what you are doing, remaking your life every day and surviving the difficult patches with newfound resilience - your strength was always there and has seen you through this long struggle to break out of a trap. To experience a normal kind of life and relationship is joy but caution as you say and take it step by step. Keep us posted as you feel and whatever happens.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/04/2026 21:58

It's been a long long journey, but you have done it.
Such a shame it has needed to involve solicitors.

runningaway90 · 10/04/2026 22:00

Thanks so much, It's been a difficult time but feel very relieved to be fully broken out of whatever spell he had over me. Sure it won't all be plain sailing but hopefully my next update will be when the finances settle. Thank you all again 😊

OP posts:
Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 11/04/2026 00:28

That's WONDERFUL news OP! I'm so happy for you! I remember right back to your first post, was it really 2 years, where does the time go? I was so pleased when you finally made the break, and to hear that you're now finally seeing the rewards of your bravery, is great news to start the weekend off. Be happy, and make the most of life, you have a fresh start, ENJOY! Best wishes x