Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

Unless It’s been properly calculated, you do realise that if you’re to pay 2/3 of the mortgage for term, you may end up paying way more than what you owe him for his deposit.
Not to mention interest rate increases which can be crippling.

Is this a healthy relationship ?
Him watching you get drowned in debt and feeling ok about it ?
Does he actually care about you ?

It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s one of those men who feels he’s not quite ready for marriage ( stringer along) because he sounds very obsessed with money and doesn’t like sharing it.

He sounds so like my miserly Uncle. My Aunt has stayed with the miserable stingy git for 50+ years and is now a shell of a woman. Please don’t stay and become the same. He started out with small things, but slowly became more and more controlling and ground her down little by little.

My Aunt had to go back to work when the babies were newborn because he refused to pay for more than 50% for anything. Yet childcare and housework were “women’s work” that he did around 0-1% of.

He retired around 55 because he had been a very high earning man. Wife still had to pay her 50% and fund herself, so she had to work another 15 years after him. And you guessed it - all the housework after her full time job.

He was a stingy and mean Father and my cousins hate him.

My Aunt is now 70 and retired…….. but now he controls everything she says and does. She tried leaving him a couple of times over the decades but he always persuaded her she was nothing without him and she went back.

Don’t be my Aunt in 50 years.

Partners should be kind, supportive, generous to each other …………. can you imagine your partner financially supporting you if you had an accident and were out of work for a few months? Or would you get a spreadsheet at the end with every penny he’d spent to support you, with a timetable to pay him back? That’s not how it works for my husband and I - we’ve each been the higher earner in the past, treated each other to nice things, meals and holidays etc because we love each other and like to treat each other. Speak to your couple friends in real life - I’m pretty sure none of them behave like your “dear” partner.

Yes OP it's not about your actions it's about his beliefs. I hope reading everyone's opinions here has helped you see things without the emotions. Love is a powerful thing, but not all the things we love are good for us of course, and some don't love us back.

Your poor aunt @HarrietStyles .

OP this is no way to live, you're young, you should be able to meet your friends and enjoy life a little. As others have said this situation will only get worse if you have DCs.

@HarrietStyles that's so sad and sorry to hear that. Although it is a bit frightening as I could see him doing the same.

I do wonder if I got made redundant if he would cover the bills during that time or I'd be expected to figure it out, although when he was faced with this a few years ago there was no question that I'd obviously cover it and try to absorb that stress. Even the last few years, when I've wanted to go away for a night or something I've ended up paying as he didn't have money for it. When realistically he did have money and just didn't want to spend on that. But he's never ever done the same. He also made a joke a while back that dinner was my treat because I got a small bonus at work but when I said the same back to him about the inheritance payment it was absolutely not. He even charges me petrol money if he has to drive like 1 hour to pick me up and if I do the same back I'm told I'm stingy or that he does more of the driving. It's just a joke.

Sorry if I am ranting, I do feel like my eyes are being opened with these responses and I never though finances were enough to end a relationship but I'm quite worried for the future if we have kids, retirement, illness etc.

Sounds like a business arrangement, not a relationship.

Up until the last 5 years, I’ve always been on low money, my husband and I have been together 14 years. He has always made sure bills were covered, £2k a month was put in the savings account for house deposit, supported me through university etc.

Now I earn a decent salary, we can be more equal.

If you always feel under pressure, while he is comfortable- is the relationship really going to last?

@Gloriosaford sorry I didn't necessarily mean it like that, I just mean that I think he'd think I'm trying to mess him about financially and not wanting to pay my way.

Yes he will be very upset.

I’m getting the vibe that he knows very well that you will be vastly overpaying the mortgage due to compound interest.

He KNOWS and has probably been privately gloating to himself about your lack of financial savvy for some time.

Someone who watches the pennies so closely can not credibility be unaware that they will be overpaid by double? triple? for their investment.

He even charges me petrol money if he has to drive like 1 hour to pick me up and if I do the same back I'm told I'm stingy or that he does more of the driving. It's just a joke

How do you have any respect for this tosser or more to the point in what way do you find this attractive? I'd be planning my exit route, he isn't going to change.

finances are definitely a reason to leave when it is in this level. He sounds horrendous.
You should be a team and you sound like you are anything but sadly.

'He knows best financially', in terms of conning you into paying for his choices.

Seriously who put him in charge?!!!

I can't see him changing sufficiently... I think any kids will be a nightmare financially... He'll expect you to pay for everything including your mat leave... He won't react well to his wings being clipped financially or time wise, at all, will he?? Or?

I never do LTB... But in this case? Sorry I do!

Do you really want this in 5,10,20,50 years time??

I've worked with women much older than you who have had similar men in their lives...

They'd have been so much happier with someone else! There are decent men out there!

Re tasks... So he does intermittent DIY and cleans the car 😁😁🙄🙄... So what a few days ANNUALLY....

I sure you do more in a couple of weeks in terms of tasks....

He's a typical emotionally and financially abusive male... He's dictating to you what he feels your life should be... Sadly... Nothing!

All really good points and I am wondering the same about the future of our relationship unless he is willing to change how we agree on finances.

It's much deeper than that OP I would suggest that if you stay he needs to go to counselling to get to the root of his extreme money issues.

You need to see a solicitor and you need to get out of this relationship. The more I read the more horrified I am. He knows exactly what he is doing. Whatever you do don’t tell him about getting the advice. He will get nasty.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado you're right and if I'm honest it's not just the finances I feel pressure with. In terms of day to day running the house I feel all the pressure is on me, running about trying to keep on top of it all between work and other commitments while he is at home more than me and never really has to stress about that other than being told to take the bins out which he forgets half the time anyway. Don't know why I think this is how it should be! But part of me worries that this is normal and I'll never find anything better than this which is of course not a good reason to stay. He's quite good at turning things round and convincing me otherwise if I ever bring up unfairness in terms of money or house chores so I guess that's got into my head that things are fair. But obviously something is up if i'm taking to the internet to ask strangers if this seems off!

Look no one knows what’s round the corner especially relationship wise. There was a very good thread about women who marry or who have kids with awful men and ignore awful behaviour beforehand. One poster remarked how many women who chose to ignore were ones who desperately wanted children and her friends who were less bothered seemed to end up with better men because they were not as worried. I know it’s all anecdotal but this has played out a bit in my friendship group.

I really do you think you need to leave, but you need to leave with your fair share.

to find this out you need to do a lot of sums on your new spread sheet.

it may be that at this point his insistence on owning the house 50:50 actually comes out massively in your favour, at a relatively early point in paying off the mortgage, as he has not ringfenced the inheritance he put in.
so you need to see how much you have each paid to the mortgage and deposit , for this house and the last one, , and then see if you want to go for the split as he has set it up, or if it is better for you to recalculate it all .
a maths whizz would do this for you if you struggle, or even pay an accountant to sort this out for you.

the more you say the worse he sounds, but his reasoning is so reasonable that many many people, would have been taken in by him, so ditch any notion you may have of ‘how could I have fallen for his spin on the finances’. He is a con artist of very high calibre. And not a person to make a future with.

make a note to consult with a solicitor about any future house buying with another person

I'd stop discussing things with him and start making plans for yourself. You're paying more and doing more so he has no incentive to change and the current situation suits him. He's not a nice man and doesn't have your best interests at heart and i don't think going to him and expecting him to be fair is going to happen.

And from today, do 50:50 of everthing, and that includes stopping cooking for him and doing his laundry, 50 percent of these tasks is only enough to cover you
definitely change your mortgage payment this month to 50% and tell him you are working on the sums to find out what is truly equal

@runningaway90 he charges you petrol money to drive you in his car, yet calls you stingy if you try do the same back? 😮 Honestly the more you post about him the more my jaw drops!

This man thinks he is above you. He in no way sees you as an equal partner. You had to pay for dinner when you got a bonus, but he won’t do the same when he comes into some money 🤯

Does he show you any kindness, compassion or generosity in any areas of your lives? Does he take care of you when you are ill? Does give as much as he takes in the bedroom?

sounds awful, i think you should run for the hills personally.

I think he is ‘winning’ conversations with you because he has bullied you into submission. There are loads of points in this thread that will hopefully give you some fire in your belly to sort things out. Lots of different perspectives to help you form your ‘case’ so to speak. I am guessing you are fairly young (I am nearly 50) just so a quick bit of advice if that’s ok - don’t ever settle! Don’t think there isn’t better out there and don’t think you aren’t worth more. I did this and I promise you end up regretting throwing years of your life away with someone undeserving of you. Please consider this and whether they are the right person for you - we are not on this earth forever.

If you've bought this house as joint owners and haven't indicated any "tenants in common" percentages - then you're 50/50 for any debt and any profit. If you bailed now you would be entitled to 50%. I'd bail. I wouldn't marry this man or have kids with him, not if he's being this picky about finances now. I'm very surprised you didn't add yourselves as tenants in common though.

I'd get a deed of trust and a solicitor involved, theyll confirm the house split in writing so youre more protected if you need to leave/sell. He doesn't sound like a keeper to be honest, you're supposed to be a team. It reminds me of my sister in law whose husband asked her every month to transfer half the netflix subscription of £4, it's petty and selfish. Next time he presurises you, simply say you can't afford it and you won't be paying - he can either pay for it or go without. Once it gets that transactional it become ridiculous, for example you could log how many cleaning hours you do in the house and charge him if it isn't equal, you could log if he eats more than you or uses more electricity or toilet roll. It's never exactly/50 financially, emotional load, house work etc and you have to both be happy with give and take and comfortable with one another's and your own contributions in all areas. Sometimes it will dramatically NOT be equal (mat leave, long term sickness etc) and you need to know he has your back. If he can't cope with covering some expenses because you can't afford it then he isn't a partner he's a housemate (and not a nice one).
I'd talk to him first and see what response you get, but do speak to a solicitor and get yourself protected.

@HarrietStyles you're right I don't feel like an equal either as often just give in as not worth the argument. And no not really, I was ill a few months ago with a virus and still had to look after the dog while he worked but when the illness hit him he never left bed while I worked and sorted everything else when still ill. So no none of it's very equal! He tries to show kindness in terms of cooking a nice meal sometimes or giving me lifts but that's really all I can think of and still asks for money for those things.

@northernbeee we had planned to do write up a tenants in common agreement but never got round to it. I never really pushed for it as I felt 50/50 is fairer for me. Solicitor suggested go joint 50/50 as that would be the end agreement but write up a legal document to protect the different shares but haven't done it so far which may work in my favour.

@Victoria3010 funny you bring up netflix as I transfer that each month but I got another subscription which we both used and he wouldn't pay half as he says I was the one who wanted it. When I write it down it all seems mad as to why I allow this

and how you show respect for each other by pulling your fucking weight at home. Zero respect for men who don’t cook and clean and expect the little woman to bring home a salary and look after him full time, like having a vagina means you can have two full time jobs and you don’t need respect or support or your own downtime. I think you should ask him if you stop cooking and cleaning totally for him, or if you stop paying anything at all since he seems to want a stay at home partner who keeps house. While you’re thinking about how much is actually fair to pay in and whether this is actually a relationship you want to be in with a man who loves you (saying I love you does not count, love is an action)