Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

I couldn’t bear a relationship where finance is like a business transaction between couples.

OP, I'm not going to confuse you any further, as you've heard enough from other posters to make you realise that you are very definitely NOT BEING UNREASONABLE, in thinking this set up isn't fair.

What I am going to say, is this man has happily been taking you for a ride, agreeing to things while it suits him, so as to get you hooked in, and then changing the goalposts once he's got you. In your shoes, and bearing in mind that you are the higher earner, I would do as one or two other posters have suggested - walk away now, and take him for half of the house, regardless of the fact that he put in more than you. He's had you paying off the interest on the house, while using his money initially to pay for renovations to be done, but then he wants half the money for that too! He's a greedy, conniving, manipulative, bastard, and if you end up having a child with him, I think you should be officially certified as INSANE!!

OK what I've suggested isn't really fair, but none of what he's done to you, and is getting you to pay, is fair either. He's clearly bamboozled you in the first place, and made you think you were buying as a couple, when it's all in his best interests. Get rid of him NOW!!

Aren’t relationships supposed to be a partnership? I pay all of the mortgage ( I had the house before DH and I met) He contributes financially in other ways, some of the bills and the food shipping. I take home about £600 a month more than him. But in my eyes it’s just as much his house as mine. To me it doesn’t matter who pays for what, all money is OUR money. Not his and mine.

I agree with this. I couldn't respect someone who was lecturing me about my debt incurred when we moved to a house he wanted. And who scammed me into paying half his estate agent fees while pocketing the entire proceeds. This has nothing to do with him giving a larger proportion of the deposit - it is clear you think that is his and you have no wish to claim any of it. This is about him thinking he is building an asset and you thinking you are building a relationship. you aren't. Don't marry him and don't for god sake have a child with him.

You don't want the same things out of life. You don't value the same things. He thinks what he wants matters more than what you want. You don't want to live like this but this is the only way he will live.

If it were me I would get a valuation on the house. I would ringfence his larger deposit (less the extra mortgage payments you've made and less the half estate agent fees) and calculate what you would get out of it if/when sold. Then I would split with him, tell him he can buy you out at a reasonable valuation or put it on the market. Then I'd find someone who liked me better - or live happily stressfree on my own.

Not sure if you read the thread about it being luck that people end up in good relationships. It is a bit of luck but also looking at stuff like this and seeing it for the red flag it is. Every hackle you had should have risen when he expected you to pay half the fees despite him taking all the proceeds.

"I don't feel I can bring this up and for it to be discussed fairly."

For God's sake don't marry this man then. This isn't what a healthy relationship should look like.

OP, I think he resents the fact that you are the higher earner & is trying to punish/sabotage you in order to knock you back down to where he thinks you should be.

Don't have time to add much but he should pay you back the the fees you paid on his former home. You may need a mediator or counsellor to assist your discussion. Right now you are house poor and it's holding you back from living your life. Maybe you could agree to a smaller share to reflect a smaller contribution.

He shouldn't be giving you grief about the occasional outing with friends. You're allowed to have a life.

If this was me I think I would (PRIVATELY) get financial/legal advice, record the conversation play it back study & understand what was said.
Then I would have a conversation with him. Raise your concerns, see what he says, just listen & nod along. Then compare it to the advice you've been given and go back to him with your suggestions for a better set up (based on the still private professional advice)
If he wont get on board with what's right & fair, well, then you have your answer!

Honestly, I'd leave him and take half the house proceeds. He expects you to pay 2/3 of the mortgage for the house?? Fuck that.

Absolutely this, especially if you don't get married. You will end up struggling to pay for everything and he will be off out enjoying himself.

If you are partners then so are your finances. This splitting everything up sounds like your just house mates.

I need to figure out what to do as I know that he won't positively respond to me bringing this up
Are you saying that if you question him or challenge him on anything he gets angry & tries to shut you down?
That doesn't sound like a partnership OP, it sounds like he's the boss and you are punished if you dont obey.

OP I am furious on your behalf, please don’t have a child with this man, he doesn’t see you as a team or partnership. It must be draining to live like this. Please consider ending this relationship and selling up. It seems like he’s enjoying rinsing you of your hard earned cash and making your life very small. Please find your voice.

Thanks for all the responses working my way through them!

@Gloriosaford sorry I didn't necessarily mean it like that, I just mean that I think he'd think I'm trying to mess him about financially and not wanting to pay my way.

This is making my brain hurt.
He will not marry you, he will not want you to have claim to 50% of the house, until all mortgage is paid off.
You need to look into compound interest, and figure out how much you will eventually pay, in total, on buying the house. It will be the price you paid as agreed with the seller, PLUS up to 35 years INTEREST on that sum. If you pay 2/3 of the mortgage for the full term, you would be owning MUCH MORE than 50%, surely? And will DP acknowledge that? Suspect not. No wonder he preferred to do it this way rather than ringfence his deposit! He is screwing you over, OP!!!!!

Having DCs with him would be a huge mistake. TBF, staying with him would be a huge mistake. Sorry.
And OF COURSE you are doing all the house stuff. How much DIY does this man do? Does he do an hour a day and even more at weekends? Does it heck balance out with time you spend shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

I’d be getting a brand new excel spreadsheet set up and going back over the whole relationship and seeing who spent what.

you need to be 50:50 and all the confusion and double accounting for the deposit is really out of order. I can’t work it out which is why you need a spreadsheet.

ring fence his deposit, that seems fair enough but you overpaying each month on the mortgage to the value of the deposit doesn’t quite make sense and I am sure you are way overpaying on this.

and say NO to the roof at present

this sounds awful. I would cut my losses, sell up and take your share and get the hell out of there. Trust your gut on this.

You thinking he'd think you're trying to mess him about financially is probably because you've recognised that he messes you about financially.

Out of interest, does he pay you back for his half of the shopping? And how are bills split? I expect you have already paid for 50% of the house equity.

I agree it's spreadsheet time!
As the higher earner you have the greatest leverage surely OP. I think all this smoke & mirrors from him is about trying to get the control he thinks he should have.
You sound like a decent person who wants things to be fair, so your default setting is to think he will be fair to you in return. BUT some people have more dominant personalities & what feels 'fair' (aka what they have come to expect) to them is that they have the upper hand, and so they will always be trying to work things to their advantage.

Working out and our sums for deposits and mortgage were based on the value of the house so say £300k mortgage, I'm paying 2/3 so we both end up having paid 50/50 of the house purchase but yes I am now realising that I'm going to be paying 2/3rd of the interest too and f*ck knows how much that will amount to. But I already know what he will say, is that he should benefit from having the deposit upfront by paying less interest so it's just a bit pointless even bringing up. I imagine he knows this anyway as when we had to pay early repayment fees upon selling the last house, I had to pay 2/3rd of those too as I'm responsible for 2/3rd of the mortgage and all the costs that come with that.

@ConfusedBear we do actually split all the other bills and mostly get half the food shopping back although I'd say I'm less picky about getting every penny back.

The more I think about it is the more I realise he is a tight arse and probably benefitting from this. Not that it should be a given but I can't even think of any occasion where he has bought me dinner or anything as a treat whereas I used to do this all the time until everything became very obviously tit for tat. Definitely feels more like housemates when I look at the finances.

Sit down with a big piece of paper and track who has spent what etc. Ask him again what
his objection is to you having less percentage. Tell him you’re happy to get legal advice if he would find this reassuring. Explain that you’re also not prepared to accept his comments on how you spend your money, especially when you’re contributing more than he is each month, and if it continues you’ll view it as controlling behaviour and have to respond accordingly.

Can actually remember an occasion quite early on where he had a voucher for a meal from his birthday and he made me give him my share of the money so I didn't benefit from his present 😂perhaps I should have ran for the hills at that point.

Oh my god 😱 Run, run away fast!

as when we had to pay early repayment fees upon selling the last house, I had to pay 2/3rd of those too as I'm responsible for 2/3rd of the mortgage and all the costs that come with that

This was to sell HIS house, that you didn't get any of the proceeds from, in order to buy a house that HE wanted but couldn't afford alone and is now making you pay more than 50% of for a 50% share 😱 AND he didn't even earn the deposit himself, it was an inheritance!!!

I'd promised myself not to comment again, to just leave you be, but sorry I just can't. What kind of person does this to someone???

@Raincloudsonasunnyday no sorry! We had a house in between the current one and his that I mean, where our split of the mortgage etc was the same as it is now!

I'd walk away, I can 100% guarantee when your on maternity leave he will expect you to continue paying 2/3, He thinks you've to pay 2/3 mortgage FOREVER to even it out?
I noted you said he wanted to move, he won't move back to where there's neighbours, he's arranging repairs.
You seem to have no say, just there to fund his house.