Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

@Raincloudsonasunnyday thank you. Yes when you put it down like that it sounds absurd and not a surprise that I am struggling to keep afloat. It does feel a bit like he knows best financially and I think I've been a bit stupid not to run these sums past a solicitor to make sure it is fair. In terms of housework and chores, no. I do all the daily running of the house (cleaning, washings, shopping etc), he does more of the DIY and cleans the cars when he can be arsed.

This is so like the previous thread I mentioned where it's all one way and totally unfair. It would be worth looking it up. You're far from the only one who somehow ends up in this situation and realises it's not right. He seems to be utterly obsessed with money, with a calculator constantly on in his head and you are losing out badly here. It is overwhelming your finances and no wonder you want to run away from something you never wanted or planned or imagined would end up squeezing you like this.

OP - you are living in a house you didn't want, doing the majority of the house stuff and paying this man for the privilege. I'd take your time to collect all the info you need on finances, seek some advice and find a way to leave. Please don't have a child with him. Especially as he's not keen on marriage

It seems like he’s got you to buy a house (enormous financial and life decision) as if you were acting together as one couple.

But in reality he is dictating terms which are businesslike entirely separate.

The thing is you have emotionally bought into this set up as if it were part of an equal and fair, long term romantic relationship.

But you are being treated on dreadful business terms.

If you had been invited into this arrangement with a professional/business acquaintance, you would never have agreed to it because it is not appropriate for you or in your best interests.

So it feels like a bit of a trick for him to dress up a bad business deal as part of a stable, respectful long term relationship.

I agree with the PP who said share everything 50/50 and aim to work out equalising the initial payments. This is what we have (both contribute the same to mortgage and to repairs and agree any changes and work together) and I technically "owe" him about £75k (extra deposit he provided from an inheritance). This is protected for him if we split up and there is no payment plan but I save regularly into mortgage overpayment and it will probably be inheritance for me that equals things out.

With this comment, I mean to support and encourage you:

You can do better than this. You don't need a solicitor, or a financial advisor, to tell you what's fair. You need confidence in yourself. There is no law or accounting involved at this stage, just a pen and paper, some basic arithmetic, and compassion for yourself.

If I were to ask you "who does the most in this relationship?" and then "who gets the most out of this relationship?" you won't need anyone to tell you whether the answer is fair.

And, you will already have a very good idea of how he will react if you confront him with what you know to be true, and the changes you want to make it fair on you. And that will tell you everything you need to know about how he really feels about you, and about this relationship.

You need to treat yourself with the love and respect that you wish this man were showing you - he's not giving it to you, and someone needs to.

It's time to refinance or split and sell really isn't it. I can see how it might not have rung alarm bells originally, as you are 50/50 owners. But it is an intolerable stretch on your finances, for something you didn't really want anyway. Don't spend anything else apart from mortgage payments for now.

Upside is that you should now be able to sell the property at an increased value and buy somewhere small and affordable in your own with a deposit from the sale. There may be some costs that are unrecoverable, so don't spend more, or staying if you don't want to, for the sunken costs fallacy.

I would highly recommend getting an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options. Are you not going to end up massively paying more than him if you pay 2/3 of the mortgage for the full term? Have a solicitor run over the exact numbers with you.

Surely it would be much easier/fairer for him to ring fence his deposit and then you both pay 50/50 on everything going forwards? if you were married I think it’s reasonable for the higher earner to pay a bit more….. but 50/50 is reasonable if you’re not married.

And you need to be much more assertive saying no to him in regards to costly home improvements. All decisions need to be jointly made. If one of you says no, you can’t afford it right now, then it doesn’t go ahead. He can’t just plough ahead with renovations that he can afford, then keep adding up a running debt you owe him, without your consent. “No sorry - I’d rather wait until we can both afford it before we go ahead on a new roof.”

And him making snide comments about you spending money going out socialising with your friends rings big alarm bells for me.

Do you really truly love this man? See a happy marriage and equal parenting situation with him? Do not enmesh your lives/finances further unless you are certain.

If you had said he ringfenced his deposit and then you both paid 50/50 on the mortgage going forward with 50/50 on the deeds. Then that would be fair. But you are paying 2/3 of the mortgage, that’s not fair. Minus the deposit, will you get a 2/3 share in the deeds of the home in a few years?

The money you paid towards the previous mortgage can be seen as rent. You would not have got that higher level of property for the same money on the rental market.

Yiu should have a joint bank acc and put an equal amount in for joint holidays and bills/renovations.

Even if you marry, he should get a prenup and postnup regarding the deposit . We would advise a woman to ring fence so why not for a male? They both have jobs and in the case if a split, why should one party get funds the other worked for or even worse their parents or grandparents gift. A split isn’t a windfall of free money.

Yeah I know you mentioned in your post that you did suggest adjusting % ownership, it’s time to have that conversation again. You need to explain to him that while he is absolutely within his rights to want “his” extra contribution protected/back, that you cannot afford to pay it, so his options are 1) legal document to basically ring fence it to say that upon sale he gets an extra £X (his bit) or 2) legal document to say that upon sale he gets a higher %- up to the two of you to decide which. He’s not unreasonable to want his investment back/protected as you are not married but it needs to be in a way that is viable, so give him those options and have him decide, but be very clear that those are the only options on the table.

With regards to the roof, you need to just press pause on that for now. Don’t agree to anything, don’t let him pay any money to have it done unless you have had a completely transparent and frank conversation about it. You need to stop making financial decisions and then thinking about / dealing with the fall out later, look what’s happening with the mortgage as evidence of that. You need to agree between the two of you exactly what expectations are going to be for paying & repayments BEFORE a single penny is exchanged for the work. If he wants to pay it out of his money then provide him with options, 1) okay, but you will then spend 15k on home improvements when you have the money to do so 2) okay, but you will pay him back on a set payment plan e.g. 200 per month each month alongside paying off your other debts or 3) if he doesn’t want to be completely without these savings for years, which is absolutely fair enough, then you take out a loan for your half of the roof and then he can pay for HIS half from his money, yours is through a personal loan and then you can just make the monthly repayments on the loan in line with your other debts rather than having to prioritise paying him back to replenish his savings.

This reminded me of one time I was scammed as a teenager. Someone came up to me when I was working in the shop and asked if I could exchange 10 pound coins for a note. He took the note, looked perplexed for a moment and then gave me both the note and the coins back saying "oh, just give me 20". Before I clocked it, they were out of the shop with an extra £20 I gave them and I was down 10 from the till.
I will give him a benefit of a doubt and say his maths is no good. I would write everything spent by both parties going forward.

I’ve literally read threads on here from women asking for advice to protect their deposit or their paid off home, when a man moves in with them. They were told to charge rent, whatever you do don’t put him on the mortgage or allow them to pay household bills or they establish a share in the home.

If he pays 15K for the roof and you spend 10K on other renovations you owe him 2.5 K, not 5K so that you have both spent half of the 25K total (12.5K). If he can’t do this basic maths that might be adding to your problems as he is not going to understand how much extra mortgage you have to pay to even things out taking into account interest etc.

I think he is trying to scam you sadly.

For simplicity lets say your house cost £300k, he put down £80k, you £20k and the mortgage is £200k. Over 20 years you would pay back about £300k based on an average 4.5% interest rate. If you are paying 2/3s of that you will have paid in total £230k (inc your deposit) and he will have paid £170k (inc his deposit).

That plus the building work scamming, and having you pay down his previous mortgage capital which no acknowledgment of that, makes him sound like a financially abusive wanker.

Personally I would end the relationship, sell the money pit house he wanted, and get my 50% of the proceeds off the solicitor and walk away laughing. But then I dont take kindly to people who say they love me trying to rob me, and am very happy to return the favour in those circumstances.

Well I don't understand all the ins and outs of percentage of ownership and who' spaying what because of what, but he sounds like a controlling tightarse OP, and I reckon you'd be happier on your own somewhere you can afford and enjoy.

I have to say I feel even more confused than I did when I start to think about the interest on the mortgage and all that 😂I guess the thing is it doesn't feel fair any many of you seem to agree that there's better ways to work this out. I need to figure out what to do as I know that he won't positively respond to me bringing this up so I feel stuck unless it's a "I want out" conversation. At the moment feels appealing as I'm sick of the stress and constant drain on finances.

This is good advice.

It's not complicated. Just present him with facts:

1. Half of 15k is 7.5k. So he can spend 15k on the roof and you will pay him back 7,5k or you pay him nothing and spend 15k on other home improvements.
2. His house deposit was £X yours was £X-Y. By paying 2/3 of the mortgage you expect to pay Y by the xx.xx.xxxx date after which you will revert to 50/50 payment. You will take the money you spent on his legal fees from the sale of the house off the total amount you owe him.

It doesn't have to be contentious. You just need hard maths. And to be a little more assertive.

This is skirting the line of financial abuse OP. I’d take legal advice. Honestly, I also wouldn’t want to be with a partner who thought it was OK to leave me stressed, poor and socially isolated while they financially benefited from my pain and got everything they wanted. Would you do that to someone you love?

What might be fairer is to pay the mortgage 50/50, but agree to pay him back his additional deposit over time as you can. But I would definitely be deducting costs such as his selling costs from that amount owed.

Definitely do not have a baby with someone as transactional as this though, they will never recognise what that has cost you and be fair about it. And start refusing to do more in the house than him, once in a while diy is nothing like the daily grind of actual housework.

But didn’t you say you were paying more to the mortgage aswell.
stick to original agreement if you are wanting to stay with this

It’s all so transactional. I couldn’t imagine a lifetime with someone who is so focussed on their own financial position, to the detriment of their “partner”. Do you love each other? Want the best for each other? Care about each other?

Doesn’t sound like it.

You can't afford this house. So he either contributes more or you sell and you take your half. This is no way to live.

Fundamentally, he is happy for you to struggle so he can get what he wants. He does not see you as a team. He is not a keeper.

In fairness, look at the sheer amount of threads you see on here where one person has paid entire deposit, entire renovations etc, while unmarried, and then they split and every reply on those threads is to say how foolish they are to have paid everything/subsidised someone’s life without the protection of marriage… all OP’s partner is doing is keeping things even while they are still two single people, they are both going to get 50% from the sale of the house so there’s nothing at all wrong with making sure you are both contributing equally.

The problem comes where OP is agreeing to financial agreement’s that don’t actually work long term such as paying extra on the mortgage rather than just ringfencing deposits or adjusting %, or where with things like the roof there is no set agreement on who will pay, when and how etc. Lots of people live together before marriage now and are all encouraged from the outset to look after their own interests and not be taken for a ride, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it does require both people to sit, think and come up with an agreement together.