Does this sound financially fair?

[runningaway90]

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

I was working off the comment that her deposit was 20% of what he put down. But yeah, I may have muddled myself somewhere.

No it doesn’t. If your partner wants you to pay for half the roof and you don’t have the funds for that, he needs to wait until you do. If he paid a much larger deposit, he should have ring fenced that, then all costs going forward are paid 50:50, including the mortgage repayments. The way he is doing this, you constantly owe him money which is what doesn’t sit right with me. Does he actually prefer you being in a more difficult situation financially, despite you being the higher earner? It sounds that way.

You need to stand up for yourself, that is utter madness. And when he comes to you demanding repairs that need doing, say no, you can’t afford it, and will not pay him back if he goes ahead with it off his own back. He doesn’t get to always have the final say.

And also agree with a PP who said not to have kids with this man. If you want them, this isn’t the guy to have them with.

If you divorced or separated what would you expect back?

Separate love from this situation. This is the business part - it doesn't matter if you love him PLS love yourself first and more than him.

You are not married to him. You feel as though you cannot speak to him about money (anything else?) But yet he is totally comfortable making purchases and giving you half the bill.

Wake up! He is using you for your finances and you are willfully letting him. Why?

He was able to put in a bigger deposit on this house because of your 'rent' payments in the last house. And now you pay more each month than your payments before.

Now is the time to get your papers in order re the legalities of this financial arrangement. This is what you are in - a financial arrangements with your boyfriend. There is no love as he wants your money spent on his wants and needs. What do you want?

Try your best to get some of your money back if this is not possible then make sure all payments are taken into account. And then pay 50% going forward. Making sure you get your actually dues upon selling the house.

You were a tenant in the last house, with no rights. Make it clear to your boyfriend you have rights to this house.

You need to go to see a solicitor and see what they suggest. You can't go on paying 2/3 of the mortgage. You'll have nothing left to enjoy your life. I think this relationship is not good for you. I'd be splitting up and making sure the half I was forced to pay for solicitor fees on a property he is saying is entirely his was returned to me. He is just using you as a cash cow. Surely you must see this.

There was a long thread on here a while back on a similar theme and circumstances which went into the various points of view re fairness or otherwise and ways of balancing equity vs mortgage payment split etc. I don't recall the thread title but a search might bring it up for you.

My first though is to sit him down and say it needs rebalanced. That you are overstretched and do not want to live like this. I would prioritise paying of the debt you already have and contribute to NOTHING futher or the house until that is paid. If he wants to do work on it he either waits until you are debt free and accepts an amount you have reasonably calculated as 'disposable' going forward as the maximum you can pay or he pays and maybe ownership is rebalanced.

However my next thought is that you are not compatible. He wants to do work to a house he wants to live in, which doesn't sound like it's your choice, at a rate you cannot afford so for which he expects you to give up all social activity and any other unnecessary spend to achieve or take out loans for.

He's taking advantage of your higher salary and expecting to use it to get what HE wants. It will continue to make you miserable. What is this man going to be like if you have kids? Will he still expect you to pay 2/3rd mortgage on materntiy pay and if you can't that will become another debt you owe him?

You need to put a stop to this now.

You are being financially manipulated.

you shouldn’t have paid any of the fees of selling his property unless you were benefiting from it- and you didn’t so that needs addressing. You were paying “rent” to him but that doesn’t then come with selling fees attached. Either you have an interest in the property and should therefore benefit from the sale or you don’t and were effectively renting and therefore no responsibility for selling costs.

he also seems to be using the mortgage and debts as a way to control you and prevent you going out with friends etc- which is financial abuse

Thanks for the many responses. You are correct I don't want to live this way feeling unable to enjoy my life. Even the times that I do go out and spend some money are overshadowed with the guilt that the money should be going elsewhere. I work really hard and I do care about having a nice house but not at the cost of having any sort of life, which I feel is the only way I'm going to be able to keep up with all of this. I did make the point to him that there would be no way he could afford all of this expenditure without inheritance coming his way so why does he expect I can? He also doesn't consider the monthly impact of £000s extra on the mortgage that I pay and any time I do spend a little money on myself I am made to feel guilty. A few days ago he showed me a video about a couple who got themselves into extreme credit card debt and said "and thats how it happens, you need to be careful", however the only debt I have is due to this house, not going out and buying myself extravagant things. Sorry I am feeling a little wound up after thinking about it all!

The house doesn't work for your income or your preferred lifestyle. I'd offer him two options - either you downsize or he buys you out.

Since he's so tight with money, I don't think rebalancing payments is going to work - he'll still be making snarky comments every time you have fun out with friends.

Buy/rent somewhere you can afford on your income and live your life.

There is nothing particularly wrong with the way he thinks of things in as much as he wants you each to own 50% and he wants to split any house improvements 50/50- that’s the advice that would be given to anybody who is currently not married and not allowing any “cock lodging” or funding someone else.

The problem is though, these are conversations and agreements that should have been done before you bought this house and moved in together. For example he isn’t wrong to ask you to pay a higher % to “make up” for the extra deposit he put in as you have gone into the house 50/50 and he hasn’t ringfenced his deposit, so he is asking you to do this essentially to get you both back to “equal”. It’s not unreasonable in and of itself for him to want that, but that needed to be agreed with you before you proceeded with the purchase. He had other options available to him to protect his extra deposit for example ring fencing it, or splitting ownership differently so that he could have say 60% where you had 40%. At the point he didn’t want to take either option, you really needed to say “ok, well I’m not able financially to pay an extra % for x months”. It would have been preferable to sort that out before purchase as its pretty simple at that stage to select ownership % or ringfence deposit. Obviously that ship has sailed, but you can still sit him down and say “look, I can’t afford to keep paying x amount extra a month but I totally appreciate that you want to protect your extra contribution to the property, so we need to get a legal agreement which states you will receive £x extra in instance of sale, or we can get an agreement that you will be entitled to a higher %” for example.

In terms of house repairs etc, you need to sit down and get on the same page about it, again though, chats you really needed to have before buying the house. I totally agree that investing in your house is important and I love having a nice house, but I also totally agree with you that it’s not unreasonable to spend some money on meals out, drinks, self care etc. BUT you need to be on the same page. For example if our roof was falling down and urgently needed done, then yeah I wouldn’t be getting my hair and nails done or going out for a meal and drinks, I’d be putting every penny towards that urgent work, and so would my husband. BUT, if it was just that we wanted new carpets/flooring, I’d be saving towards it of course but I would also be happy to go get my nails done and go out for drinks because it is non-urgent, it’s just cosmetic. We are on the same page that for non-urgent work we’d rather wait an extra month for it and be able to have a date night, night out/meal, so you need to have that conversation.

As you’re not married he is again not unreasonable to want you to pay him back if he is going to pay for the roof upfront, it makes sense for him to pay if he has the money rather than put it on the credit card where you then pay interest, but it is his money and so I can see why he wants your half of it back asap so he isn’t out of pocket for too long. BUT again thats a negotiation for yous to have between yourselves, if you don’t want to have to prioritise paying him back and the roof absolutely cannot wait then you could suggest putting it all on your credit card or take a personal loan, he can then transfer you his half immediately so you can pay his chunk straight off and you can then just make monthly repayments for your side to your credit card/loan company.

So ultimately, you need a big conversation.

RE. Mortgage and deposit, if you cannot keep paying the extra amount then that’s fair enough, but he is not unreasonable to want to protect the extra he put in. Meaning you need to sort something whereby his extra bit is protected legally and then you just pay the mortgage 50/50.

RE. Work done, you need to have a big chat between you about that. Can you agree that for non-urgent work, you’d both prefer to wait a bit longer and be able to spend on treats/nights out? He’s not unreasonable to not want to pay for the entire thing and then not get the money back for years and years, but equally you can’t be expected to prioritise that debt if you have others. Meaning that you need an alternative, so maybe the compromise is waiting to have work done (if thats possible) so you can save for it first which you’d be more easily able to do if you were just paying half of the mortgage, or for urgent repairs you look to take out a loan or a credit card and he can then pay off his chunk immediately if that is what he wants to do, whereas you are then free to just make the monthly repayments to the separate company without owing him anything.

sounds like a finance agreement not a relationship

Regardless of the deposit, the mortgage and bills payments should be the same % for both of you. Make a monthly budget and then calculate the same % depending on your salary.

Obviously, the higher earner will pay more but it's just the same %. You can't be drowning month to month. You need to have a serious conversation with him.

That’s not necessarily true depending on their agreement as this is an unmarried couple, who (currently) each would walk away with 50% of this amount. OP didn’t put in 50% as her partner had more deposit. As a result their current agreement is that OP pays the higher amount until she has matched the amount partner paid. So as an example to keep numbers simple, say he put an extra £1000 in, OP now has to pay say an extra £100 per month for 10 months, so that she has also spent £1000.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that in theory, they can come to that agreement, it allowed them to buy the house and this way they have each contributed the same amount to it so if/when they sell they both walk away with 50% and that is fair. Once they’re equal, then yes absolutely you’re right bills & mortgage should be either 50/50 or proportionate based on income.

If OP can’t/doesn’t want to continue doing that then they need to come up with another option for example legally protecting his deposit or legally ensuring he gets a higher % to reflect the higher amount he put in. This way they are even, without OP having to continue the high payments, it just means if/when they sell OP gets less.

It sounds so miserable. The constant penny pinching is a real love killer. Bit by bit it will chip away at you.

I can see he wants to protect his inheritance and consider it "his" but the situation you've ended up in sounds so unhappy. Effectively he's chosen the lifestyle he wants and has decided how you will pay "your share" but doesn't seem to consider or care that your quality of life is impaired and will remain so for the foreseeable future while sits smug and comfortable. He supposed to be your life partner. You should love cherish and care for each other. But he leaves you short of cash and lectures you. He does not seem very loving.

Does he realise he might drive you away? Without a deed of trust you could claim 50% of the equity. Not saying you should but part of me thinks it would serve him right.

@Mrsttcno1 agree with this and I do think his reasons are fair as it should be equal or at least his investment protected but I just feel I've not really been given any other option. I'd be fine with owning less at the end and I said further up that I did ask to do this when we bought the house but he wasn't happy with it as an option.

For the example with the roof too, it was agreed he would cover the cost of it as it needed done and he would have the cash there. We agreed if he spent £15k on the roof that I could then spend £15k on other improvements as and when I had savings and had paid off debt. Now it has actually came to it, he's said he want's me to pay him back asap so he can top up his savings. He suggested I could pay him back part of it so £5k to him then pay £10k into the house repairs next year for example. This would end up with me spending £15k while he'd have spent £10k but he says we would both have spent £10k on the house. So my £5k paid to him just falls into a dark hole? So now the only option is just to pay him back as paying him a little back results in me paying more in total somehow.

I think I would work out current input by both, sell up and split proceeds accordingly and leave him. Noone should be making you feel like this. Its financial and emotional abuse.

You agreed to buy this house, that you couldn't afford, on made-up terms presented to you by someone who you allowed to present you with terms.

This looks like a totally unfair business arrangement, and not AT ALL like a relationship between loving partners or indeed people who both care for the other. But, the responsibility for this is yours: why are you allowing yourself to be in this situation? Are you that desperate to be with him? Do you think this is what you're worth?

Get out of this. He's using you. He's coming out of this more than quids up, and yet you are the one going without and who will further go without if ever you get pregnant.

God, why do women do this to themselves? Respect yourself, don't let yourself be treated like this!

You simply cannot afford to live in this house.

I mean you, singular.

This is bad for you and you want to get out. You should be free to get out.

Separately you’re in a bad relationship and he is controlling and not thinking about your best interests at all. He’s happy to put you in a bad position just to bolster his own personal savings.

Get out.

If you sold the house tomorrow what would you get personally? How would this compare to everything you put in (including paying his mortgage before)?

@Raincloudsonasunnyday thanks for response. I did say at the end of my OP that I know I got myself into this situation and I'm an adult, I came looking for advice rather than shaming please. I would say it wasn't clear to me whether things were unfair when someone is justifying it with their large deposit, and I probably didn't stand my ground hard enough when the goalposts were changed as the initial agreement was I'd pay 2/3 mortgage if I could afford but if rates went up etc we would re-assess which is not whats happening.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shame you. I'm just frustrated by the endless threads I read on this website (14 years I've been here) from women who don't know their worth.

Here is a man who has got EVERYTHING he's wanted. He wanted to move; he wanted to move to this house; he couldn't afford it at the time on his own so he got you to help him afford it; but he's also aware that you can't afford it so he's giving you a payment plan that works for him and not for you; and when the goalposts move (interest rates) he's sticking firm; he's going to get an inheritance; he's telling you what work needs doing when and making you put your share of the costs on a credit card; and then he's guilt-tripping you about debt and spending money on a single thing you want like going out with a friend now and then!

This is a man whose mortgage you paid 50% of when you moved into his house, and who actually told you to be grateful that it was cheaper than rent. As you saw none of that money back, you were basically a lodger: you lived in his house, contributed to his costs, and paid money for the roof over your head. He was your landlord.

Does that help see whether this is financially fair?

Separately, do you both pull your weight 50-50 when it comes to housework and chores?

Why on earth would you agree to pay 2/3 of the mortgage forever more? You'll very likely end up overpaying. I know nothing about where you live, your mortgage or deposit but lets work with guesses

Let's say that your mortgage is 900 a month. You pay 600 and he pays 300 so you pay an additional 300 per month. In a year, that's 3600 and in 10 years it's 36000. Taking a wild guess that he paid an additional 40000 on the deposit compared to you, you would repay him in around 11 years. If you have a 30 year mortgage then you'll end up paying an additional 72000 compared to him over the life of the mortgage. That's a huge amount of money that's gone straight to him why he complains. Worse, if you divorce after 20 years (and off my figures had paid half plus an additional 36000) then he could say that you never completed paying your share so don't own half of the house. He wants to return to you owing 30 or 40 percent. You could get completely screwed over!

Do not agree to pay 2/3 forever. If you haven't documented his deposit or agreed to different percentages then it's understandable that he would like you to put more in to 'earn' your 50 per cent but you both need to know exactly how much this is and when this goal would be met. Make a plan, budget for it appropriately and pay him back over time. Your budget should leave room for a normal life plus fun times and a repair budget for the house. Stick to it and repay him slowly and exactly what he is owed. This way he gets a fair deal, you only pay what you owe and no more and you don't feel guilty as you're paying him back as agreed.

I would demand this type of calculation, budget and payment plan. If he doesn't agree then ask him whether he would prefer to move to somewhere more affordable where it could be 50/50, change trh percentage ownership share or buy you out. Refuse to live like this because you will drown in debt.

I’d feel like running away too in this situation. You must feel like you are drowning.