To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

I think the important question is what if you get pregnant? Would he expect a termination/it ruin your relationship.

well, if you are fertile, you will get pregnant, and it will be with a man who says he is not in favour of this, so, its up to you really, isn't it

If he's adamant he doesn't want another child, he needs to get a vasectomy or abstain from sex.

The withdrawal and rhythm method are risky.

You are playing with fire. He sounds like the type that will blame you if you do Dall pregnant. I wouldn't bring another chokd into this if I were you.

I asked him this - what if I'd fallen pregnant one of those times? I asked would he have suggested I terminate against my will. He said no of course not but I'd not be happy.

This you mayhave to decide what's more important 2 children or 2 parents for the child you have now?

@WandaWonder

The child we have now still has 2 parents and still would if I fell pregnant again? I don't understand what you mean.

Grrr so he wants the pleasure of sex without a condom but wants none of the hard work that comes with avoiding pregnancy which has been typical of men since time immemorial!?

cheeky f*cker!!!

I’d insist on him getting a vasectomy since he’s made up his mind he doesn’t want any more kids and restrict sex till he’s had the snip!

Why should you be the one taking all the risks?

It’s pretty immature isn’t it. When you inevitably do conceive is it going to be referred to as a shock pregnancy? Is he going to claim to be surprised or that you tricked him? If neither of you is using contraception you’re trying to conceive.

Carry on as you are if you’ll want a baby whatever he thinks of it. It’s a bad dynamic though.

@Boohoomaloo

Exactly- your first paragraph nails why I'm so upset and angry. And it's the mixed messages he's given me when he knows I'd love another baby. And the fact he's made it my responsibility- "if you tell me you're at a safer point in your cycle I accept that". Right, but you're incapable of researching by yourself and finding out that there is still a risk albeit smaller, of pregnancy?

He has a very selfish attitute Op, he takes a risk because it feels nicer but he'll go mad if you do get pregnant. You may be happy to have another DC but I think you could end up doing it alone

Some people trust these methods more than others, I don’t think you can read into this that he secretly wants a baby.

He wants to have sex without a condom because it feels better in that moment, and then be able to hold up his hands blame you if you get pregnant? What?

Nope. I'd take control of this and stop lying back and taking whatever nonsense he's dishing out, because at the end of the day it will be you that will have to deal with the outcome of a pregnancy, which is likely if you're having unprotected sex, that he doesn't want.

I suspect he is just very ignorant of the mechanics of conception - just tell him in no uncertain terms that there is no "safe" time

I'm not reading this into it.
I'm hurt and confused by his mixed messages. He knows I'm holding onto hope that he will change his mind. So his actions are confusing for me.

He's a 40 year old man. How can be claim ignorance to the mechanics of conception? I'd understand if he was 21. But is this really an excuse at his age?

It could be seen as you are happy to take the risk because you're hoping you do get another baby and could "trap" him

He needs to get a vasectomy though if he's sure he doesn't want another baby AND doesn't want to always wear a condom.

There's always the risk

i was with my partner 5 years - have a 3 year old already. He did not want another baby although he did have unprotected sex with me and pulled out. One time he didn’t and boom I was pregnant… he knew I was not on the pill etc! Anyways, 8 months down the line I am a single parent to 2 children. He has not acknowledged our unborn baby. Not bought one thing or even asked how I am during pregnancy! He has seen my pregnant belly twice…

If he is telling you he doesn’t want a baby then believe him. I’ve never been so heartbroken in my life. Save yourself the hurt! Find someone who does want to have the same things as you.

I agree with this. Tell him the questions about your cycle are stressing you out as there is no 100% safe time so you'll no longer be answering them, and he must take full responsibility for any pregnancy if he chooses no condom

You mention mixed messages. He has different (questionable) views on contraception, but he said very clearly what he wants and doesn’t want.

OP, it's impossible to get pregnant accidentally. If he doesn't want another child then he needs to start using condoms (even that's not 100%).

You, for your part are quite willing to go along with this charade, presumably because you are hoping to get pregnant anyway. Which is a ridiculous and awful thing to do to a child.

Why would you get pregnant knowing the child isn't wanted by their father?

You're both wrong, for different reasons.

I'm really struggling to understand why you're complicit in playing Russian Roulette with this idiot.

@NeedAdvice8

But what he says is inconsistent with his actions, and that's my point. If a partner tells you they love you and then cheats on you, you'd not believe they love you would you? Well I wouldn't. Actions need to match up with words, imo. That's what I'm so pissed off about. I feel he's led me a merry dance all this time. I was holding onto hope he didn't actually feel so strongly opposed after all because he was happy to take the risk of me becoming pregnant.

If you get pregnant, one of three things will happen:

1. He'll pressure you into a termination you don't want
2. He'll leave
3. He'll stay and you'll have the baby, but you'll do everything because "he didn't want this baby," you'll end up resenting him, and the children will pick up on the negative vibes

Actions need to match up with words, imo

Then you stop having unprotected sex with him until they do. Stop being so passive OP.

Just to be clear, if I feel pregnant again and he didn't support me, I'd be fully prepared to leave and be a single mum to both my children. It wouldn't be ideal obviously, but there's no way I'd stay with a man who made it clear a child of ours was unwanted.