To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

Thank you. I think you're right sadly x

He shouldn't be having unprotected sex with you if he doesn't want another baby, simple as that.

However, I would be using contraception if I were you. As someone who had a baby with a man who didn't really want one, I could tell you a lot about the damage it causes. Please don't put a potential child through that. Trust me.

Agreed.

OP, sorry but it is selfish, and it is a choice you are making.

Believe me, I know what it's like to want a child - but this is not the best thing, for any of you. It's not going to just magically work out. He's told you very clearly that he doesn't want it.

If you're going to do it then do it. But you need to understand that this is your decision and not something that is just happening to you. You are making this choice.

I asked him this. He said he'd never expect me to abort or even so much as suggest that I do so. But that he wouldn't be happy about it either?

I think he has made it really very clear that the child is unwanted. He’s said “absolutely not” and told you he would be unhappy.

I know you would love and cherish your baby but think how the child would feel knowing they never wanted by their father. You have no way to know that he would even acknowledge them. You cannot control what he will say to them or his other child as they grow up. As cosy says what will he say to their sibling?

I can see this must be heartbreaking for you as you clearly want another baby, but it seems very cruel to the child to be deliberately conceived in these circumstances.

This happened to me. I really really wanted another child to the point at times his instance he didn't made me consider ending the relationship. I can't explain it. Felt like such a raw issue for me.

He kept saying he was going to get a vasectomy but then also knew I wasn't on birth control, encouraged me not to be as it makes me sick but also wasn't consistent with condom use.

I got pregnant. He got upset and accused me of tricking him and suggested I "do the right thing" although wouldn't answer me when I asked him if he meant I should get an abortion. Things were pretty tense for a week.

But then he got over it. We had the baby. He was as happy and excited as the other children. He went and got a vasectomy straight away. My internal longing for a last baby went away and I've never even been broody since. We're happy. He jokes about it sometimes.

I was happy to take the risk
I think you need to weigh up whether you are happy to keep taking the risk or not. I was confident my partner would step up if I did get pregnant and so didn't really see why I needed to go on hormones or insist in condoms everytime even though I hate them when I wanted to get pregnant whilst he took no responsibility for his own desire to not have children. I was right he did step up.
But you have to consider what happens if he doesn't step up. Both for your new baby but also for your existing child who could end up with seperated parents. It is a big risk, and one in hindsight I probably shouldn't have taken even though I was confident he would stay, but it's easy for me to say that now, at the time my longing for another child seemed to over ride my sense of what's best. Arguably it's great if worked out for me but I ultimately risked my children's stability and in hindsight that wasn't great parenting on my part.

Does he abstain from sex if you tell him you were at a fertile time of the month? He's definitely giving you mixed messages. What if you were to fall pregnant? Would be expect you to just get an abortion?

You need to not have sex unless it is protected. I know you are hoping to get pregnant but you will be rapidly heading into a shitty situation if you do.

@DollyLolly1989
No he won't abstain if I tell him I'm in the ovulation window, he will use withdrawal method instead. Or (less frequently) a condom.

I'm confused by this. I do somewhat agree in that a child should definitely be wanted by both parents. But, if OP would be fine with a pregnancy and doesn't get on with hormonal contraception, but her partner doesn't want to wear condoms (so doesn't), what is it that you're suggesting OP actually does?

He’s not giving you mixed messages, he’s giving you a very clear message, that he’s selfish, entitled, irresponsible and immature. He’s putting his faith in pure chance, that he’s still managing to put on you BTW, because it suits his dick, and when you get pregnant, which you will, he’ll blame you. He might say he won’t pressure you into a termination, but he’s told you he won’t be happy, so that will create pressure on you to have a termination whether he says the words or not.

you can’t control what he chooses to do here, he’s already showing you he’s a selfish immature prick, so you’re gonna have to work with and around the situation as it stands, so abstain unless he either uses a condom or gets a vasectomy, or accept the fact that when you inevitably get pregnant you’ll either give in and have a termination you don’t want, or you’ll no doubt be raising two children by yourself.

You’ve been forewarned very clearly by his actions, so when you’ve let your desire to have another child allow this game of pregnancy Russian roulette to continue, and you get pregnant, which you will, don’t act all shocked when the exactly 100% predictable outcome you’ve volunteered yourself for comes to pass.

Surely the OP does the only responsible thing and refuses to have sex for the sake of not creating a child that is unwanted by father.

But you are still having sex with him knowing you're unprotected too. Are you hoping you do get pregnant and he will come around to the idea?

Of course that's what she's doing, and she wants us to agree that it's a perfectly acceptable idea. It absolutely is not.

Yes. This is where my head has been at. Because since the first time we spoke properly about it, around 12 months ago, he's chosen to risk pregnancy with me 18 times. So in my mind, he might just be OK with a pregnancy, maybe he was coming around to the idea? Then I raised it again recently and it's still "absolutely not". Hence my confused and upset at the discrepancy between his words and actions.

He sounds awful. He’s thinking of nothing beyond his own selfish pleasures. The withdrawal “method” isn’t a thing, he’s still having sex with you with no contraception.
Do you want to have a baby with someone with so little thought for the consequences of his actions?

You’re both selfish. You have two children already but you are prepared to break up your younger child’s home for the possibility of a third. He is selfish expecting you to take responsibility for contraception when it’s he who doesn’t want another child.

@Aquamarine1029
No, I don't want you to agree it's a great idea - where have I said that?

I'm asking if I'm right to feel angry and upset at the glaring inconsistency in my partner's words and actions.

Perhaps look for a partner who wants the same things as you

@Babla
This is where my thinking is at today. However I'm acutely aware that at approaching 40 time isn't on my side 🙁

If he really wants no more children he should have the snip

And I don’t know why you’re confused. There is no puzzle here. He wants sex, won’t use a condom, and isn’t prepared for the almost inevitable consequences. And you’re going along with this. Have you told him you won’t have sex without a condom? Why are you pretending that it’s a great mystery for you to solve. Unprotected sex = baby

@Candleabra
I'm not "pretending" it's a mystery that unprotected sex results in pregnancy, wtf?

Why are people making things up?

I'm saying his words and actions are inconsistent, and that has annoyed and upset me. And asking if I'm right to feel annoyed and upset by this inconsistency. I've said this several times now.

I’m with @KimberleyClark . Are you really prepared to break up your younger child’s home because of your need for a third?

Your H is being a selfish arse because ultimately he can walk away if his preference for sex without a condom results in a child.