To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

Tell him that his an idiot. If you get the flu for example the point in your cycle changes as it often delays your period so many things can. In which case a point he thinks is safe isn't. Either he wears one all the time, has a vasectomy if he really does not want more children or accepts that a pregnancy will end up happening and that his still putting it all on you. Personally I would stop tracking my cycle and tell him that my period starts when it starts, I carry supplies just incase. So then either he takes full responsibility regarding avoiding the pregnancy he does not want or accepts it will happen because he thinks the feel without is more important. Ultimately though if you want a baby and he doesn't you may resent him for it and he will probably be furious when one does come along.

This.

I would refuse to have sex with him unless he takes responsibility for contraception- either by way of condoms or a vasectomy.

You need to make it crystal clear that you will not have an abortion and that the cycle tracking is not reliable. Make it crystal clear that you want another baby and so won't insist on contraception. If he's so bothered he won't have unprotected sex.

I have the opposite situation to you. I also can't do hormonal contraception and I am adamant I don't want another baby, DH would quite like one but has accepted it's a no from me. I simply refuse to have sex without a condom. If he tries to talk me into it, it's a flat no. the risk of getting pregnant is so horrifying to me that it's an instant turn off. I accept this means less sex than I would otherwise have, but these are the actions of someone who really doesn't want a baby.

Just read your latest update. How do you feel about it? In a way it would annoy and upset me even more playing the natural cycle tracking contraception game after he's said he wouldn't mind having a baby. If it were me I'd either want a real no condom for sex policy, and sex naturally whenever you want it, or start being more careful. It feels kind of cruel to say he'd be ok with it then minimise the chances, but so they stay high enough to be just possible.

Your conversation sounds like a good starting point though, maybe give it a while and bring this up again if you feel you want a more serious chance.

Just carry on and get pregnant then.
He won't be happy and the relationship is doomed if not already.
Bring your children up yourself. Job done.

I feel better about things in all honesty. I do feel as though after our most recent conversation we are more on the same page than i think either he or I realised before. If that makes sense.

I want to preface with saying I think your husband is being immature and taking no responsibility for contraception.

Men vary, I've got male friends who would jump out of a 3 storey window naked to avoid sex with a woman who offered the 'pull out method'.

In the moment if you say your happy for him to not use a condom, his brain cells have all gone to his genitals.
I think you are putting to much weight on the difference between his words and actions, this is meaningful to you because you want another child, everytime he agrees a little spark of hope builds in you. But really, he is not thinking about the consequences, he is in the moment putting no thought into it. He has not given you intentionally false hope, you are interpreting his actions that way to fit a narrative you want.

Your options are, carry on as you are (reframe your thoughts because you cannot control his, or continue being full of false hope), take control and say no to unprotected sex and accept you will not have another child or consider whether this marriage is right for you.

I do feel sorry for you, I've been in the position of longing for another child and it's an awful place to be.

Good luck.

Yet, you'd choose that for another child because YOU want one 🤷‍♀️

It's not 'mixed messages' at all and I think you know that, you are just looking for validation so that when you do conceive the child YOU want you can direct the narrative
He's a selfish twat, absolutely he's told you he doesn't want to use condoms because HE doesn't like them but he's also clear he doesn't want any more children. If you wish to be with the kind of man who is happy to put ALL of that on you and take no blame when the inevitable happens, that's fine. As long as you're going into this knowing that he doesn't value you and your child/children will see that you are not respected, crack on

Why you'd choose THIS to be the father any potential child deserves is a mystery. Wouldn't they deserve much better that a selfish man child who never wanted them?

UGH! I think you know what you're doing OP and I wish you'd realise that it is in no way in favour of any baby you conceive 🤷‍♀️

You're not on the same page, though. He still doesn't want another child. He doesn't have the urge or a desire for another like you do. He's apathetic and uninterested. If you go ahead and have another, it will be because you (just you) want one.

The idea of apportioning blame for bringing a child into the world is ridiculous. This is a child's life you are talking about. Making a child is not something you do and then say 'Oh well, it was his fault'.

They both have the responsibility and the power to not bring a child into the world who will be unwanted by its father.

What do you suggest the op do to rectify the situation?
If you don't want a child, you use contraception or you don't have sex. It's not complicated, and again, it is completely within OP's control to make that choice.

(Or better, perhaps, leave this idiot!)

This child would have a father who actively would prefer that they didn't exist.

That's not quite the same thing as being a single mother by choice or having a very wanted child with an inherited illness.

Actively deciding to bring a child into the world when you know its father does not want it is cruel.

OP is not his fucking mother, fgs. He's a grown adult. He can make his own choices about what to do with his own penis, and work out what the consequences might be.

Jesus, why is the bar for men always so damn low?

Why is it so hard to accept what he’s literally telling you - he doesn’t want another child!

He's also said he wouldn’t leave you or force you to terminate, because he’s obviously a respectful person….but that doesn’t mean he WANTS one, and it’s wrong of you to keep pressuring him into it.

@MsRosley when the consequences could affect the entire family I would argue OP has a responsibility too. He is a twat, no doubt about that. But she is complicit and will no doubt feign shock and surprise when she falls pregnant.

But OP will have to deal with the consequences too. This isn't something trivial, it's potentially bringing an unwanted child into the world.

I think you are further forward. You have an exact answer.

The man doesn’t want a baby, he’s made that very clear. However, liken it to your own scenario earlier, where you said that if you became pregnant and he said “terminate or I’m leaving” your next best choice is to go along with it and be a single parent.

He’s saying that in the same situation, with a choice of leave and be single, or stay and have to be a dad to another baby, his lesser of the evils is to stay.

So, you:

top option: have baby as a family
second option: have baby as a single mum
third option: no further babies

Him:

top option: no further babies
second option: have baby as a family
third option: leave you as a single mum

I think it’s really clear.

Just to add, though, the contraception is his problem, not yours. You’ve been more than clear with him about your current fertility.

Ok maybe I didn’t word it correctly. He’s a dick for not wearing a condom, not sure why she’s still with someone who doesn’t want to wear one but also doesn’t want a baby but I’m saying she also has to stop and say “no condom no sex!” Why risk a potential unwanted (by him) pregnancy?!

@Creatureofhabit87
I've explained why I allowed this to continue for the past 12 months. Because I had (wrongly) assumed his lax approach to use of contraception indicated a shift in his attitude towards having another baby. I therefore (wrongly) assumed he'd shifted to be more on the same page as me, ie "if it happens it happens".

He denied this initially when I asked him, hence my initial post on here. I then discussed it again with him yesterday(as per my update), and he said on reflection maybe he was more in the "well if it happens it happens" camp than he realised.

So that's where we are at currently.

@Pintally
That's a really accurate and fair summary, thanks for that.

😂😂

"Will no doubt feign shock and surprise"

Wtf is wrong with you? Take your invented narrative elsewhere would you?

When / if I do conceive, I will just behave like, you know, a normal almost 40 year old woman who's been having regular unprotected sex and is now pregnant, ie. Pleasantly surprised since the odds are somewhat against me with my age, but happy.

Sorry if that doesn't suit the weird narrative you're intent on pushing on my thread, for some bizarre reason. 🤷‍♀️

Ah ha! Another invented narrative! 😀👏🏻

Please do spell out EXACTLY, in detail, your evidence that I've been "putting pressure on him".

I'll wait.

🤔

Ahh I see, the replies that disagree with what you're doing are all 'weird narrative' but the ones sympathising and agreeing with you are perfectly valid. Gotcha.

Look, nobody is 'invested' in you and this sham. Get over yourself. You posted on a public forum for advice and because you haven't been unanimously told it's fine you're now being insulting.

Your initial question was 'am I right to be annoyed at the mixed messages' and I still maintain that the fact you've literally been told he doesn't want a baby means it isn't mixed messages. His actions are perfectly selfish and gratuitous. You are choosing to read more into it because it's what you want.

The wider message that you don't seem to understand or want to hear is that a baby will be brought into this who isn't wanted by its father. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he'll learn to love it. But as it stands right now he's told you he doesn't want it. To me that's not the same as accidentally falling pregnant or finding yourself as a single parent as a result of circumstance. It's a choice. And my opinion is that it's feckless of both of you (him more but you too for being complicit).

I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear.

@fusspot25

No - absolutely fuck all to do with "what I don't want to hear". You literally invented a narrative when you said "she will no doubt feign shock and surprise". So YOU get over YOURself with that bollocks, and if you can't be constructive without inventing things, kindly do one, because many other people have managed to be constructive even if they've disagreed with me.

And the other poster also invented a narrative- they implied I had "put pressure on" my partner to have a baby - there is not ONE indication of that anywhere on this thread. Hence, an invented narrative.

You are far too invested in my personal life now, it's actually becoming slightly creepy and embarrassing (for you).

Oh dear, you really do think highly of yourself don't you? The only person embarrassing themselves here is you, both for your situation and your responses.

To be clear, I'm not invested in you. You are a faceless internet stranger. But you asked for advice and I think that you're wrong. I have a sneaking suspicion you don't like hearing that though. Or the word 'no'. Oops there's that narrative again.

Anyway just for the avoidance of any doubt about my creepy investment, I'll step back now and wish you well for the future. I think you may need it.

Oh dear, you really do think highly of yourself don't you? The only person embarrassing themselves here is you, both for your situation and your responses.

😂😂😂😂😂🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Hahaha fuck me. Erm, ok??? Thank you??

Gets weirder and weirder by the day in here ......