To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

he’s a 40 year old man. He’s not ignorant about contraception. He just wants sex without a condom. He’ll blame you and it’ll be your fault if you get pregnant “I thought you said it was a safe time“. Play this situation forward - it’s just a matter of time.
Honestly OP you’ll be posting here in a years time “my boyfriend wouldn’t use contraception so I thought he was ok with a baby. I’m pregnant and he’s not speaking to me unless I get a termination”

He’s a selfish shit for putting this all on you and I would also be furious with him.

I think he’s using this a way to ensure he gets sex. He probably thinks if there isn’t the possibility of a baby then you will stop wanting it. He obviously isn’t completely dead set against having another child or he would take precautions, but it’s almost worse in that I think he just sees the child as ‘something’ he could walk away from if and when it suits him and/or punish you for.

Ultimately as the only reasonable adult in the relationship you have to think of the cost to you and your children and the relationship of you did fall pregnant.

Sounds like he would find every excuse to opt out and to blame you for it

Perhaps avoid bringing a child, who is unwanted by their father, into this mess in the first place.

This kind of makes it sound like that's what you want. It might be a good idea to speak to some single mums, especially those who've been single mums to a newborn and an older child, before pulling at that thread.

@upsetandangrywithhim

hes NOT giving you mixed messages. He's told you VERY clearly he doesn't want another child.

He's being immature prioritising his sexual pleasure (no condom) & he's creating a situation to blame you when you do get pregnant.

he is NOT giving you the message that he'd be ok with it.

He WILL put pressure on you to terminate.

best case scenario is he will leave & you'll be a sole parent.

worst case scenario, he'll stay and make life miserable.

let go of the fairytale ending that he'll turn into 'Dad of the Decade' and life will be perfect.

Frankly, with his attitude I'd just get rid of him now & save yourself the heartache

*Not that I think you should stay with a man like this anyway… he will get worse with another baby but he sounds pretty awful already

@takealettermsjones

I'm fully aware of what being a single mum entails thanks, I have an adult child who I raised by myself for 10 years until I met my partner.

If one of you doesn't want another child then you should surely both be trying to not get you pregnant.

Unless this is a situation that you secretly want.

You would want to put your children through that?

I didn't mean that in a snarky way - you're on here asking for advice. But okay. Good luck.

@fritaskeeter
There's no "secretly wanting" on my part - I'm really clear that I want another child. I've been very upfront with him about that. So he knows if I was to fall pregnant I'd not be devastated, far from it. Ideally, I'd like him to be on board of course. But if he's not, and if he walked away and left me pregnant, I'd raise the child alone, along with our other child. I'd choose that over a termination.

he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions

That sounds a bit rapey. You're both responsible for contraception and agreeing on it.

Ultimately you need to decide what you want to do, whether it is carrying on like you do now and deal with the consequences if you get pregnant, or insisting on contraception. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t convince yourself that he’s signalising he’d be happy with another baby. In my opinion, he’s immature and selfish, but he isn’t sending you mixed signals.

@Aquamarine1029 through what? My eldest child and I had a great life together, even if I was a single mum for the first 10 years. Yes there were times it was bloody hard but it wasn't horrific. There are plenty of lovely memories as well amongst the hard graft. I know what it entails and I'd be prepared to do it again if it came to a choice between a baby with someone who doesn't want that baby, or pressure from him to terminate.

Fair enough, thanks. I appreciate your viewpoint.

Yes, I know you want another child. I meant unless you secretly want the single mum situation.

If you want a child and he doesn't, it doesn't take a genius to work out that is probably what's going to happen.

If that's what you want then crack on - you're making an active decision.

You have to think about the unborn baby OP. Look at my situation… this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I too had this mindset. I was fooling myself because even though I had this same thinking process deep down I thought that my partner wouldn’t leave me anyway! 1. Because we’ve been together for years 2. He was having unprotected sex with me so he must want a baby or would “accept” it 3. We have a child already together so why would another change anything?

not the case. He left me on Xmas day and hasn’t looked back since. If a baby is something you really want then move on and find another man who wants one with you. This isn’t healthy.

@Ginandjuice57884

What do you mean by "rapey"? I consented to the unprotected sex as much as he was happy to engage on it.

@fritaskeeter
No I don't necessarily want to be a single mum, of course I don't. My ideal scenario would be we have another baby as a family and stay together, all happy and on board with this. But that's clearly not going to happen. So if I were to become pregnant, my next best scenario would be to raise my children without him.

OK - so you're making an active decision to have a child with someone who doesn't want one and be a single mum.

If you're going to make that choice then own it.

So you get pregnant
He doesn't want it
You go your separate ways
What happens when he picks up other child for his contact time? How do you explain that to your youngest child? Daddy only wanted your brother? Or do you let the child think you don't know who dad is?
This is never going to end well

@rainywednesday34

I'm so sorry for your situation, that's awful and especially leaving you on Christmas Day 🙁

Finding someone else isn't really an option because I'm 40 this year. I'd be too old 🙁

I appreciate your comments, thank you x

You're right to have had the conversation, but he sounds a bit selfish. He's obviously being massively inconsistent and not very bright to be so against another child while having unprotected sex. You need to push it further though--what would he expect you to do if you conceived? He can't rationally ask you to abort a wanted child that he has made no real attempt to avoid conceiving! I would not have unprotected sex with him unless he made it clear he was happy to lovingly accept the consequences should you get pregnant. I'm worried you're playing with fire and it would put an intolerable strain on your relationship.

Your updates are making it sound more and more like the reason you consent to this is because you want to get pregnant and are hoping that you do "accidentally"

The only question you should be asking is what's best for your existing child, and having another baby your partner doesn't want isn't it. Your current line of thinking is completely and utterly selfish.