To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

@MinnieMountain
It'll likely break up anyway because my "partner" is a selfish fuck who only thinks of himself and sod the consequences and my feelings

Sorry to be blunt but it doesn't sound like you are putting the happiness of your existing children (or the possible future child) first here. Have you got someone you can talk to in real life about this?

Maybe this longing for something so destructive is a symptom of other issues in your life?

His words and actions are only inconsistent if you take the view that he is a kind and honourable man who is willing to stand by his convictions. His words and actions are perfectly consistent if you view him as a selfish man who puts his own wants above yours regardless of the hurt and pain that might follow.

For context, I would like another child but DH doesn’t. I don’t take hormonal contraception so DH is militant about condoms as he would never intentionally conceive a child he does not want.

That’s taken a turn. If that’s how you feel about him I’m not sure why you’re having sex with him never mind trying to get pregnant.

Approaching 40 you need to start now if you want another child, find someone else

Well if there are other issues in your relationship, then I really don’t understand why you want another baby OP.

@AnneLovesGilbert
It's how I feel about him now yes, since he's looked me in the face and said "absolutely not" to another child after 12 months of happily having unprotected sex with me, messing with my head and leaving me holding onto some sort of hope. And then when I've raised it with him he can't explain himself? And he's not even sorry. No apology. Just watched me break my heart crying about it and walked off.

There aren't other issues - THIS is the issue. As described in my OP.

But your words and actions aren’t consistent either. You say you don’t like his behaviour but then continue to have sex with him.

Look, people generally behave in ways that have been successful for them. It doesn’t mean this behaviour is good, just that it gets them what they want. So far, his behaviour has enabled him to have lots of unprotected sex which I’m assuming he enjoys very much. So why would he change?
If you want a baby, and are prepared for the consequences then crack in. But you have a part to play in this too and by passively going along with this you’re giving him the green light to continue.

He’s a dick. He wants sex without a condom for his own pleasure, then when you inevitably get pregnant he will blame you.

In that case, get “accidentally” pregnant and sod how it affects your younger child eh?

Refuse to have sex with him without a Condom .. if he doesn’t like that, he’ll need to have the snip

@Candleabra
I don't like his behaviour now. Back then, I had no issue with his behaviour because like I say, I assumed he'd changed his mind or moved into the "meh, if it happens it happens" camp, because of how lax he was being. Then on raising it with him and pointing out the inconsistency he looks at me like I've got 2 heads and is all "eh? No I definitely still don't want a baby". Right, so why've you risked just that 18 times this past year alone?? Then he's send me confused and upset, in tears, and just walked away from me. No apology nothing. Doesn't care.

🙄

He can't have his cake and eat it too, I'd suggest he gets a vasectomy or use a condom always. I'd be pushing for a vasectomy if he doesn't want another child

Well he knows you could get pregnant, but he’s just having sex in his mind. They’re not really connected ‘issues’. He’s not having sex with you to have a baby although he’s well aware it’s a consequence. That’s it really. Nothing confusing about it to me.

I’m not sure why some PP’s are confused by OP’s actions. This is likely the OP’s last chance to have another child and it looks to me like she is weighing up whether to 1) stay and keep having unprotected sex with her dickhead DP and potentially another child and then raise said child alone or 2) as she has now realised how selfish her DP is, just leave him and let go of her desire to have another child due to her age.

@upsetandangrywithhim if you go with a) you may as well fully commit and just lie about when you’re ovulating to increase the chance of conception. You won’t be the first and certainly won’t be the last. I have no sympathy for your DP if you do but I do have sympathy for your existing and unborn children, as I’m sure you do too. Quite the moral dilemma.

Break up then, but don't bring any more children into what is already a shitshow.

@VHS1981 Well he knows you could get pregnant, but he’s just having sex in his mind. They’re not really connected ‘issues’.

Only a teenage boy can get away with that argument.

Roll your eyes at me all you want OP. That’s how you’re coming across.

You keep saying about being nearly 40 and time running out and are now calling him a selfish prick (which he is) and don't seem to like him

It really does come across as you are using him to get pregnant and then will leave him and damn the consequences for the children

There's no moral dilemma about it. Put your children's needs before your own wants, it's as simple as that.

I think OP is getting a really harsh time here! It's understandable she assumed he was in the 'don't actively want a baby but if it happens, it happens' camp based on his actions and so it makes sense she's upset that he's come out and said he definitely doesn't want one so categorically. As that pushes a lot of unfair responsibility onto her, considering she is the one who does want another baby. I stand by what I said in my pp OP- stop telling him where you are in your cycle and let him take the responsibility for wearing a condom or not- every time. Your feelings of confusion and hurt are valid and its a difficult position to be in when you're not on the same page with your other half about something as big as this.

you may as well fully commit and just lie about when you’re ovulating to increase the chance of conception

Please don't do this

Advising someone to take the risk of having a child with a man who doesn't want one is terrible advice. Have you actually experienced that? Do you know what it is like?