To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

I think he has shown you that he is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings by putting his pleasure above all else, and I think this reason alone will be enough not to have more children with him because you will be ended up resenting him massively.

How is he as a parent to your existing kids? Does he do 50 50 parenting?

And he is attempting to use natural family planning methods. No mixed massages at all.

as long as you are clear that pregnancy will result in a baby, I dont know why youre so upset.

But what he says is inconsistent with his actions, and that's my point. If a partner tells you they love you and then cheats on you, you'd not believe they love you would you? Well I wouldn't. Actions need to match up with words, imo.

I think I see where you're going wrong. You're working on the theory that actions speak truth, and words may be lies. But a cheating partner will say he loves you because he thinks he needs to do that to be able to keep using you for sex, whilst also having sex with another woman (he may also be telling her that he loves her). You see? The point of the lie is to get what he wants.

The thing that a cheater has in common with your bloke is that his first consideration is his dick. Having unprotected sex is not a statement of his opinion on the possibility of having another child - it's just his preferred way to have sex. He has made his opinion on having another child child clear with his words - it's a hell, no. It's not mixed messaging, it's hypocritical selfishness and shortsightedness. And yes he is setting up the option to leave it you get pregnant.

I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone like this - I'd imagine the sex would be terrible for starters, as he's so selfish by positioning himself in what he thinks is win-win for him without any concern for you. He gets to have sex how he wants to, with no consequences other than upsetting and angering you. Really awful and borderline abusive behaviour.

What would he do if you stopped giving him information about your cycle?

Good question and I'm not sure

Yes he's a very hands on dad with our 2 year old.

OP, I'm honestly appalled by how you've been treated on here, as if all the responsibility for the outcome of your partner's selfishness falls entirely on you. If he doesn't want a child, then to try and force you to take hormonal contraception to avoid the inconvenience for him of wearing a condom is vile. He is being very immature and manipulative.

However, I think you have a bigger issue. The way he has behaved when you have tried to discuss this crucial issue like adults - stonewalling, belittling, deflecting the blame back on you, etc - point to some really deep-seated destructive traits. I suspect you might have to face the fact that he is emotionally abusive, and on a very real level doesn't care about you at all. This article is an eye-opener: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/the-insidious-damage-caused-by-covert-emotional-abuse

I've just talked to him some more. I asked him what he'd have done if I'd fallen pregnant any of those previous 18 times this past year. His response was "I'd have had no choice but to get on with it". I asked if he'd have walked out on me, he said no. I asked if he'd have chosen to have no relationship with the "unwanted" child if we split, he looked offended and said "of course I'd want a relationship with the child. I'd be no different with him or her as I am with our current daughter".

Yet this is a man who is strongly opposed to being a father for a second time? 🤔

Thank you. You're right. His behaviour when I try to discuss it with him like an adult is almost worse than the issue itself. 🙁

OP, The inconsistencies come from him putting his sexual pleasure before preventing a pregnancy. It's that simple.

To me, it's the very definition of mixed messages. He's saying one thing and acting in a way that could result in the exact thing that he says he doesn't want.
I can totally understand your upset OP, but I would think very carefully about what you want to do here. Personally, I'd never want to have sex with him again but, if you do, I think that you should be absolutely clear with him that there is no safe time to have unprotected sex, you would be perfectly happy to be pregnant again, and that if he chooses to not to use a condom then he can't be surprised if a pregnancy occurs.

Take some responsibility too. You know where he stands on this. It doesn't mean you lie there having sex knowing there's a risk of pregnancy. If you are both stubborn about not using contraceptives or permanent methods then just stop having sex.

@Ariona
And he equally knows where I stand on this? So if I'd be happy to become pregnant again, it stands to reason that I'm happy to have unprotected sex. It's him who says he'd be unhappy with a pregnancy and therefore the onus is on him to behave in a manner consistent with that? If I felt strongly about not wanting to become pregnant id not let him near me without a condom.

Also. I am not "stubborn" in my refusal to use hormonal contraceptives. I explained in my OP that they cause awful side effects, including debilitating migraines for a start. The coil caused such excessive bleeding that I collapsed due to anaemia. I have good reasons for not using these methods of contraception, which are linked to my health. His reasons for not using condoms are "it feels better without".

I can only think of two reasons why he doesn't want a vasectomy (maybe others can think of more).

1. He wants to keep his child-fathering options open - so maybe not another child with you, but perhaps in the future with someone else?

2. He is squeamish about the operation - but perfectly happy for you to go through the ordeal of a termination, or go through pregnancy with all its risks and indignities (even though you want a child).

Neither of these leaves him covered in glory.

By expecting you to keep him informed about your cycle, he is putting a lot of the responsibility onto you, for something you don't want anyway. It would be illuminating to see how he reacts if you say no sex at all without a condom or vasectomy.

Would you split if you wanted to keep it or he wanted you to terminate?

You need to stop having unprotected sex.

Both of your attitudes is 'I WANT' - he wants sex without a condom for his own pleasure, you want it to create a baby.

Why don't you both think about the reality - that is a potential child could be created here, you both need to grow up.

And if that child was created he or she would be much wanted and very much loved (at least by their mother).

Well this sounds like you're giving yourself the green light here!!

Why don't you tell him it's fucking with your head too much and he either uses a condom every time or has a vasectomy if he's so dead set against another child?

It would annoy me to have to bother to track my cycles to make sure he gets the sex he prefers without getting me pregnant. Another chore for you hey?

@Nanny0gg
If he pressured me to terminate then yes I'd split with him. But he's already reassured me he wouldn't do that. Another inconsistency with his words, which remain "I strongly don't want another".

When my partner had sex with me without protection I took that to mean he was happy to have another child.

I do think that if one partner doesn't want another child they get to veto

In your case, that's what he wants but as he's taking no responsibility for that to be the case and you can't take hormonal contraception, then sex should be off the table EVERY time he won't use a condom

Thank you!

Me too. Hence my confusion.

Stop acting like you have no part in this. You can easily stop having sex, but you want to hoping you have an 'oops'. And you would feel ok in good conscience having a baby that the father doesn't want? But it's all ok, because you want it?