To be upset with partner over this?

[upsetandangrywithhim]

Partner is adamant he doesn't want another baby (for context we have a 2 year old). I'd love another. We are on different pages about this.

However, I am not on any form of contraception because hormonal contraceptives cause awful side effects for me and I've never found one that suited. So after the birth of our child I wanted a break from the pill, and partner was on board with this saying we'd use condoms. However, over the past 12 months alone he has had unprotected sex with me on 18 occasions (the rest being with a condom). I know this because I use an app to track my periods and you can record sex and whether protected or not (presumably to track and date any pregnancies). So he is obviously really lax about this, despite saying he's adamant it's a no.

I've raised the conversation again this past week about his thoughts on another baby, and he says the same "absolutely not". I point out to him the contradiction in his actions and his words. His defence is "I always ask you what point you're at in your cycle so I make sure the timing makes it unlikely" and "I pull out sometimes so it's fine". I asked him if he understood that he's giving me mixed messages by saying one thing and doing another? He said "I have no explanation for that other than I prefer sex without a condom because it feels better". I said OK but you surely then accept the risk that comes with? He just shrugged, repeating he was reassured by the point I was at in my cycle.

OK, he may have a point, in that we've had unprotected sex at "safer" points in my cycle 18 times over the past 12 months and I'm not pregnant. But, there is some risk still, and if he's so adamant he's against having another baby, why would he take that risk even if it was a tiny one?? He can't answer this.

He then deflected onto me and said "you're happy to take that risk too". Well yes, because I'm not horrified at the thought of another baby or massively opposed to it, as you say you are? If I were, I'd not be letting you anywhere near me without a condom.

My head is a mess, and I feel he's confused and upset me a lot with this.

AIBU?

Thank you so much. You have understood perfectly what's going on and why I'm so upset x

THANK YOU!

I would be very upset in your situation too OP. And was very upset at the mixed messages. I found it breaking.

Anyway as I shared above it did get pregnant and worked out for me. So shrug really. There is a lot of gloom and doom here but it's also possible he understands the risks he's taking and will just step up. My partner did.

I don’t think he is sending mixed messages.

He has told you he doesn’t want another baby. He is having unprotected sex with you, because he wants sex. Not because he is trying to imply he wants a baby. You seem to be taking him not wearing a con on as a sign he does want to have a baby.

He is telling you he doesn’t want a baby, telling you he thinks having sex a certain times definitely won’t get you pregnant, telling you he won’t be happy or ‘come round to the idea’ if you get pregnant.

He is being really clear. Why you do with that information is entirely up to you.

I would not let him put this on me to use the words safe or unsafe, as he will then blame you.
I would just share what day if my cycle. Let him decide if it's safe or unsafe rather than you taking that responsibility.
He should get a vasectomy if he has such strong feelings, but strangely, not many men do ( because a lot are ultimately selfish)

Thank you. I'm pleased someone understands first hand what this feels like, I feel less alone. I'm so happy it worked out for you. Sadly I think my time is up now 🙁 x

Why doesn't he have a vasectomy?

Good question.🤷‍♀️

If you're 40 and being careful with your cycle (ie he uses a condom when you're ovulating) then your chances of getting PG are statistically very low anyway.

Are you going to stay with him? He sounds awful, sorry.

You got lucky. It was a very irresponsible thing to do.

OP, have you asked him what he means by 'won't be happy' if you get pregnant? Have you asked him if he'd stay with you, would he be angry with you, would he love another child and raise it with no resentment?

If he can't answer these questions to your satisfaction, then don't sleep with him if he doesn't use a condom. Tell him that you won't risk a pregnancy, and has he won't take responsibility for his choices and use contraception then there's no sex.

If you continue with things as they are, then you run the risk of being a single mum to two kids. I know that single mums can do a great job, but it's not fair to anyone to bring a child into this world, knowing that their dad won't be around.

@budgiegirl
It's a good question and I actually didn't ask him what he meant by that. The conversation was difficult as he wasn't really engaging in it, just shutting it down or saying "well what about your behaviour?" etc (ie. classic deflection). But I do plan to ask him exactly what he means by that. He did say clearly he wouldn't pressure me to terminate. But otherwise didn't expand on "not happy about it".

@MorrisZapp
I don't know. My head is a mess and I feel a lot of resentment towards him. I honestly don't know what to do.

He's not making you feel safe and secure in your relationship and your future as a family. The constant worry of 'if' (when) you get pregnant will play on your mind. And when you get pregnant it will at some point cause resentment which will either cause an unhappy dynamic for your children to grow up in or you'll split up.

The apps are great, however I fell pregnant twice while in my 'safe' time. It didn't matter for us, we wanted both children, I was tracking for health reasons. But they definitely are less reliable than other forms of contraception

I don't think it is necessarily a good idea for you to risk it with a man who has been clear with you. He's telling you he is putting his pleasure over anything else and you'll be at fault because of the app and your cycle. The blame game has already started. Either you are both responsible about preventing a pregnancy, or I wouldn't be having sex with him until he plays an active role in it. Because that active role is actually about respecting you, the relationship and not putting all responsibility onto the female.

He doesn't want another child. Believe him when he tells you this. I've seen too many women have another child in your circumstances and in several cases the dad has either consciously or subconsciously treated the child they didn't want differently. It affected the kid. Think it through.

@upsetandangrywithhim so basically he wants sex. Doesn’t want to make any effort to stop further pregnancies like a vasectomy or using a condom or abstinence…

and if you become pregnant his expectation will probably be for you to have an abortion and it will just become a problem he expects you to take care of.

he’s not interested in having another baby. He isn’t sending you secret messages etc by sometimes not using condoms. He’s just lazy and selfish about his sexual desires. He’s not interested in doing any adult or grown up
Precautions nor having a proper conversation.

he’s probably fed up that you keep ‘harping’ on about this and just wants an easy life and is sulking or verbally combative when you try further discussions.

Not sounding like a fabulous partner right now.

And do consider if you do get pregnant and have a child and separate - you will have to co-parent and deal with this jerk for another 18+ years.

I'm absolutely not advising her to have a child with an unwilling man! Just advising her to make it very clear to him what the situation is, ie there is no "safe" time so he has to wear a condom if he doesn't want a baby

Ah right. I misunderstood your wording. "He had sex with me" sounds very one sided.

Sure, but, ultimately I don't care. I am not going to pretend I wish I had done something different, because I don't.

@Ginandjuice57884
Yes I see how the wording caused confusion. I used that wording to illustrate how he willingly had unprotected sex with me. But it was consensual on both sides.

I track my cycles religiously and I got pregnant in December using not even pull out (sorry tmi, but him not even finishing I.e precum) on a very ‘safe’ day on my cycle ( at least a week post ovulation, or so I thought) show him this. That would have been my fourth child. The pregnancy failed naturally at 5 weeks, but the horrific week beforehand for us as a couple, for me having to contemplate and organise delivery of abortion medication and go through all the emotions of whether to take it destroyed my mental health. Thinking that somehow it ‘knew’ what I had planned and it failed because of this and my mental state. The guilt, terrible guilt and the feeling of being so stupid to even contemplate going unprotected because of all the above. I ttc for years and after 3 children finally, getting a surprise positive pregnancy test at 43 horrified me for the first time in my life. Then actually going through a miscarriage and feeling dreadful all through Christmas and new year. It’s really changed me and completely destroyed my sex drive as I can’t get in the right headspace as I know it could happen again as like you, I can’t take hormonal contraception. Just a word of warning, he is playing with fire. If the above happened and you were maybe pressured or coerced into having an abortion (I wasn’t, me coming to that decision was all my choice, and I still don’t know if I would have been able to go through with it) how would you feel about your partner being so selfish as to not use a condom and risk your mental health and future sexual desire because he prefers it without? Not worth it. If I were you I’d never let him near me without a condom again, regardless of time in the cycle. Either no sex or protected with condom sex. His choice. Because it will be your choice if you do fall pregnant whether to keep it, not his. Maybe remind him of that fact. All the best x

It's not mixed messages though, is it. There are two very clear messages. 1) he doesn't want another baby. 2) he doesn't like condoms.

YANBU
But you can stop having sex with someone who makes you feel angry and upset. Tell him you can't get past this, and need him to understand that you really want another baby and that you're willing to never use condoms in the meantime.

This could be you, too, OP.

More common than you think.

I'd tell him bluntly you'd be delighted to have another baby, so he'll need to use a condom or get a vasectomy if he doesn't want one. It's 100% on him to prevent another baby in your family if he doesn't want one, and you will not entertain so much as a sentence of a complaint from him if you do get pregnant with his 'method'.

Why the hell is it not up to him? If he doesn't want another child, why can't he take responsibility for his own fertility ie. condoms, vasectomy? Why is it his wife's problem? And all just because he wants to enhance his own pleasure.

I dont understand why he doesn't consistently use condoms or get a vasectomy? What does he say when asked what he is doing to prevent another pregnancy (other than relying on you to track your cycles)?* *