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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that love and relationship success is largely due to luck?

206 replies

Shakespearesister · 20/02/2024 20:11

Definitely bitter and biased here but bare with me…

Im almost 40, 3 small children and my long term relationship is falling apart.
There are a multitude of reasons why but it got me thinking about all my friends who are in happy marriages and relationships.

Lots of them are in similar positions to me, with awful, selfish men who don’t want to grow up, debt issues, wanting to get drunk/take drugs far too often, lazy and not sharing the household chores/mental load.
These are lovely, moral, intelligent women... they deserve more.

I also have friends who are with wonderful men who put them first, do their fair share, act like adults and are hands on parents, look after their wives and kids and our family first. (Sadly, there are very much in the minority.)
I get that some women stay too long with idiots (like me) and that’s on them, but AIBU to think that a lot of time, the people we end up with is just luck/bad luck?

I had no way of knowing what kind of father my partner would be when we met, he was attentive, generous and kind but has slowly become a monster.
No one can foresee addiction issues, potential infidelity etc years in the future.

AIBU to think some people just get lucky in love? Or is this to simplistic.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2024 20:18

I’ll be honest, I know on MN you hear a lot how men change and you’d never have seen it, but in my 46 years I’ve not known anyone whose character has truly changed.

I think we often choose to minimise red flags and make big decisions too quickly.

Universalsnail · 20/02/2024 20:20

I don't think it's luck no. I think it's incredibly hard work BUT it takes both people to be willing to put the work in and unfortunately often people end up with partners who aren't willing to do that.

But also, and I am saying this as someone who spent ages feeling like I was unable to leave a relationship that was no longer working so I understand that situations can feel trapping, ultimately it's a choice, often be it a complicated one, but a choice none the less to stay with someone that's bad. All those women are choosing to stay. That's not bad luck.

TheSameClip · 20/02/2024 20:22

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2024 20:18

I’ll be honest, I know on MN you hear a lot how men change and you’d never have seen it, but in my 46 years I’ve not known anyone whose character has truly changed.

I think we often choose to minimise red flags and make big decisions too quickly.

I agree with this. Also, after the first child, most men show their true colours. Yet many women stay and have a second or a third child and then complain about how lazy/unkind/a shit Dad the guy is.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2024 20:23

Yes it's luck. But also, I think, women who don't care as much about having children can be much fussier. Women I know who REALLY wanted children settled. I could wait around for Mr. Perfect.

FortyFacedFuckers · 20/02/2024 20:27

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2024 20:18

I’ll be honest, I know on MN you hear a lot how men change and you’d never have seen it, but in my 46 years I’ve not known anyone whose character has truly changed.

I think we often choose to minimise red flags and make big decisions too quickly.

Probably not what you want to hear OP but I agree with this!

I know in my own relationship of 20 years the biggest conflict are things that I turned a blind eye to 20 years ago!
All of my friends that are in shit relationships say he changed etc but I can honestly say the signs were there at the start

IDontHateRainbows · 20/02/2024 20:31

Reminds me of the quote from that sunscreen song in the 90s 'your choices are half chance, and so are everybody else's '

Rollerskaty · 20/02/2024 20:34

Good or bad luck, and unintentionally repeating patterns from childhood.

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2024 20:35

I know in my own relationship of 20 years the biggest conflict are things that I turned a blind eye to 20 years ago!

This is true for me too. DH hated cleaning (me too) and has a dreadful memory.

I decided early on there were ways to manage this (cleaner and a diary) as he had lots of amazing good points.

People think I’m lying but we’ve had maybe 4 serious arguments in nearly 20 years and disagree about small things frequently but are able to talk properly very easily.

Tatonka · 20/02/2024 20:35

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2024 20:18

I’ll be honest, I know on MN you hear a lot how men change and you’d never have seen it, but in my 46 years I’ve not known anyone whose character has truly changed.

I think we often choose to minimise red flags and make big decisions too quickly.

I agree with this. And that we don't know what subtle things to look out for.

Quitelikeit · 20/02/2024 20:37

It’s not down to luck it’s down to judgement and instinct

The flags are always there

Original poster
Shakespearesister · 20/02/2024 20:39

Universalsnail · 20/02/2024 20:20

I don't think it's luck no. I think it's incredibly hard work BUT it takes both people to be willing to put the work in and unfortunately often people end up with partners who aren't willing to do that.

But also, and I am saying this as someone who spent ages feeling like I was unable to leave a relationship that was no longer working so I understand that situations can feel trapping, ultimately it's a choice, often be it a complicated one, but a choice none the less to stay with someone that's bad. All those women are choosing to stay. That's not bad luck.

I completely agree with a lot of what you have said, but is it not bad luck that you have to make the decision to leave one of these bad men to begin with?

Let’s say woman A is in a relationship and he develops alcoholism but chooses to seek help and they work at it.
woman B is in the same situation but her husband is in denial and spirals, how is that not bad luck?
Not being antagonistic, genuinely curious!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2024 20:39

Quitelikeit · 20/02/2024 20:37

It’s not down to luck it’s down to judgement and instinct

The flags are always there

And whether you have good radar is luck. So either way.

Superlambaanana · 20/02/2024 20:40

Sorry but bollocks to the people saying people don't change. Their inner personality may not change, but people's behaviour can definitely change over time!! Mens especially. They don't act like twats on the first date do they? They act like lovely, caring, besotted, do anything for you type guys at first. Then they get bored with the sex, go off you and either have an affair or treat you like shit. The idea that 'they haven't changed' is bordering on victim blaming - 'it's the woman's fault, she should have seen it coming'. Fuck that!!

Original poster
Shakespearesister · 20/02/2024 20:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2024 20:23

Yes it's luck. But also, I think, women who don't care as much about having children can be much fussier. Women I know who REALLY wanted children settled. I could wait around for Mr. Perfect.

This was me, sadly 😔

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 20/02/2024 20:40

A massive amount of luck. But also listening to your gut and being able to accept when a relationship isn’t working plays a huge part.

pressedclaycup · 20/02/2024 20:42

I think meeting someone is down to luck but having the relationship skills and personal stability to keep a relationship healthy over a long period of time is probably more about what kind of person you are and who your partner is, its not really about luck at that point.

However it starts with the good luck to meet a good match and the wisdom to know they are a good match.

Oblomov24 · 20/02/2024 20:43

I agree with merryoldgoat, I don't know of any men who changed. All the red flags, for twats were clearly visible, I'm just bemused how the women didn't spot them.

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2024 20:43

Let’s say woman A is in a relationship and he develops alcoholism but chooses to seek help and they work at it.
woman B is in the same situation but her husband is in denial and spirals, how is that not bad luck?
Not being antagonistic, genuinely curious!

Because the type of person who uses denial as a way of coping will likely have other maladaptive coping habits that would alert you.

The number of women I know who have ignored some small but obvious flaws early on is significant.

Screamingabdabz · 20/02/2024 20:44

Absolutely not luck. I kissed a lot of frogs, endured lonely years and never once lowered my bar until I found a man with solid integrity proven to me time and time again in many different situations. We talked about our values and hopes for the future/family before we settled down and have always shared the same outlook. We’ve had our ups and downs like all couples, but he’s my rock and a fantastic dad. I set out to choose a man like him and if I hadn’t met one, I would still be single.

ExtraOnions · 20/02/2024 20:44

I’ll have been married 20 years this year .. we’ve never really had a big argument. Not saying we never disagree, of course we do, but we are grown ups.. there is no need for someone to “win”, just work it out. It seems some people think you need to have Drama and Arguments to show your passion

I think you need to work out your “showstoppers” right at the start

People do sometimes seem to rush into relationships. I do think Instant Messaging has a lot to answer for.. when I was younger you saw people on a Sat night, you would bump into them, chat, and hopefully see them the next week. It took time to get to know someone. Now, everyone is incessantly messaging for Day 1 - too much pressure, too soon.

We also laugh everyday, and we are great friends as well as anything. That saying, our sex life has tailed off.. neither of us are particularly bothered, we know we love each other.

Seems to lots of LTB on MN for the most minor of issues

cauliflowerqueen · 20/02/2024 20:44

Some of it is luck, as in being lucky enough to find someone good who loves you. Some of it is knowing what to look for and believing the red flags when you first get a glimpse of them. Some of it is prioritising the most important things, knowing that no-one is perfect.

Maarlia · 20/02/2024 20:44

Partly luck in meeting the person who turns out to be the ‘right one’ - after all you could as easily ‘miss’ this person.

Family experience tells me that taking time to get to know your partner, before having a baby, before marriage and long term commitment is vital.

I've watched two relationships unravel in an awful fashion mainly because the adults rushed into their relationships. Flaws, lifestyle, morals, lies were not uncovered until too late. Far too much ‘fairytale Instagram perfect’ and not enough real life.

makeupme · 20/02/2024 20:44

I don't think it is luck to be stuck with these men, more necessity.
When certain men find a woman who needs them they'll stick - precisely because they know the chances of her leaving are low. They can act how they want and their poor wife will suck it up and carry on.
Much better to find a man who wants you to want him, rather than demand you need him. He's far more likely to stay pleasant.

LoobyDop · 20/02/2024 20:45

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2024 20:23

Yes it's luck. But also, I think, women who don't care as much about having children can be much fussier. Women I know who REALLY wanted children settled. I could wait around for Mr. Perfect.

This. I’ve seen loads of women ignore massive red flags because they just want kids asap, and it blinds them to everything else.

makeupme · 20/02/2024 20:46

I say all of that as a single mid 40's who has no desire to attempt to find such a man again. IMO their egos are too fragile to merely be wanted and women who have their shit together threaten them on a very basic level sooner or later.