Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

If she wants to travel fine. But you and dp need to be on the same page about whether to house her when she returns.

Yes, have a discussion about a new living arrangement when she returns from her travels.

She’s an adult and can do what she likes, but you shouldn’t be subsidizing it.

YANBU, but you're stuck until you can get on the same page as your partner.

How old is your step daughter? I think that's relevant.

If she's old enough to hold a professional job and to get Botox then no, I don't think you need to be supporting her to the point where she has more disposable income than you.

Well if she goes travelling she'll just have to find her own place when she returns like normal people

I would leave DP and force a sale of the house. Fuck that. Life is too short to spend it pandering to a spoilt 20 something brat.

For her own sanity and self respect, she needs to move out into a house share. You'll not be doing her any favours if you allow her to carry on as she is.

No way are my DC moving back in with me once they finish uni

I love them dearly but that's just not going to happen

I firmly believe that once a child completes their education, they need to be paying 30% of their income in “rent” if they are living at home. They need to be used to budgeting as if they are living independently. If at all possible, that money should be going into a savings account, not used to run the household.

Parents aren’t powerless to make this happen. You can set up a contract for living in the house. If they aren’t responsible enough to save on their own, then they can actually pay you the rent and you put it into a savings account.

This is definitely something to discuss with DP. Let him know your feelings and that there will need to be a compromise. You've talked about SD and her mother but no mention of what DP says or does anout this? And out of curiosity, if you pay all bills and mortgage, what is DP responsible for?

Why does your DP not contribute more?

I think DP is her mother.

Honestly she earns a good wage and yes whilst she not just going to be easily afford a mortgage alone on that solo she should be saving for a hefty deposit and working her way up. Personally alot of individuals are living outside of family home at the age of 19 though university so I would have no qualms in saying that if she wants to go travelling great have at it!

But draw a line there is no room anymore when she returns she can stay with her mother. I wouldn't entertain the idea of her paying rent at home either as she isn't grateful for the set up you have provided.

I have lived in lots of shared houses throughout my 20s and made me appreciate when I did go home. For info (c.7yrs ago) I paid £500pcm for a double room with shared bathroom and no access or use of lounge, was not allowed guests - firmly lodger status. My room had a large wadrobe, double bed and chest or drawers squeezed in so no floor space... I came home from work cooked and crawled into bed. (Kent)

I've always tried to live by the 3rds rule (living, saving, socialising)

I would use the plans to travel as my opportunity to say we are downsizing what do you plan to do on your return?

Firstly your DP should not be doing her washing and tidying her room!!! That’s insane

Unfortunately unless your DP puts up boundaries behaviours won’t change … your DP isn’t powerless she is choosing to be powerless and spoil her daughter even if it upsets you.

You need to set a timeline that you and your DO both agree to to move out otherwise I would move on as this mother is going to enable her daughter for many many years to come

Exactly this but add on and her in adequate mother. Any mother who can't stand up to this kind of child isn't worth being with.

How old is SD? Are there other children in the house?

I think you need a family meeting. There is no reason she can't set up a standing order the day after payday. Explain that the mortgage is at risk if she doesn't do this. You can't keep covering her share you need to think of your pension.

If you wanted to perhaps suggest to your DP that half of what she gives you gets saved for a deposit on a house share?

Does your DP have the capacity to work more? If so maybe say she's going to have to so she can cover more of her daughters share?

Also maybe start having date nights and romantic evenings with your partner and hope she'll realise she needs to move out

YANBU.

However when she returns home from her travels, she needs to make alternative living arrangements.

Our jobs as parents is to bring up independent adults.

No more washing or cleaning for her.
Conversation needs to be had about what being an adult means.

Let her go travel (if you must) but say that within 6 months of being back you expect her to move out.

Age is definitely a factor…

If she’s 21 and just out of uni, while annoying, travelling might be the best thing for her. I definitely wasn’t thinking about saving for a mortgage at that age.

I think you should explain to her that you will support her to save up for her travelling but when she gets back, the expectations on her will be different and she will need to step up.

I wouldn’t be too threatening about what will happen on her return from travelling as she might change her
mind about going!

I'd be forcing the issue too - the current situation is not encouraging any independence whatsoever. I'd also make her set up a DD for her contribution to the household. It's shit to have to chase every month.

Tell her you want to go travelling so can't afford to sub her?

In all seriousness though, how does it get to the stage where she can almost refuse to pay her way. The late payments need to be addressed if nothing else, it takes seconds to set up a standing order, you and her mum need to sit with her until she does it.