Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

You're beating a dead horse if you and her mum aren't on the same page. Obviously as you're the one paying all the bills it's barely effecting your dp when sd doesn't pay

I think pp is right - time for a family meeting
But you need to get DP on the same page as you first

You have a DP problem. Time for a serious talk.

I think you need to say all those in exactly this way to her mother.
30 and working is plenty old enough to ve self sufficient so you are hardly kicking out an unemployed 18yr old.
How many other children do you have and is sge getting more than they got?

Appreciate you don't want to downsize but point out to both of them that retirement, downsizing and travelling is something you are considering...before grandchildren come along.

SD can go travelling but needs to appreciate she is only able to afford it because you are subsidising.
So she needs to budget and pay for her own living expenses.

Talk to your husband and explain that she needs to set up a standing order. If she quits her job to go travelling, then she's not coming to live at yours afterwards. She's an adult now, not a child. She can move back in with mum. Talk to them both.

To be honest this was my instinctive response.

Could you discuss this in more general terms with your DP?

So what age you want to retire at and what the family income is likely to be at that point, and how much you need to save to get there?

She may be a soft touch with her adult DD, but she must see it's unreasonable for you to be working longer than you should to allow a qualified adult not to work. If she doesn't i would be rethinking the relationship.

Seems she's following your DP's example, living off you until she finds her own DP to pay the bills and fund her lifestyle.

A lot depends on how old she is.

21, graduated last summer and is getting paid for the first time - perfectly reasonable to be spending her first few paychecks on fripperies. Also peak age for wanting to travel and see the world.

Most people in their early twenties have spent long years in education with very little control. With their own money for the first time, most want to see the world a bit, enjoy themselves with income they have never had before.

Very few are yet into the mindset of saving for a house, and depending on where you are 30k may it may not go a long way. (London, anyone).

Obviously if she's 35 this is less applicable!

I'd suggest talking to your DP about your SD potentially renting a house with her friends. If you pitch it as she'd have more fun living with her friends than with us you are more likely to get somewhere.

Her mum may be enjoying having her back after uni though, and might not want her to go.

I’m assuming your dp is her mum? I got a bit confused at first. If you’re paying the bulk, there is no real knock on to your dp if she pays/pays late. She is treating her like a teen which is doing her no favours.
Getting your dp to see your pov is the issue here. Are you actually compatible? Would you rather put up with this to be with her or live life alone and be comfortable. Obviously there are variables in between but if her mum is not listening to you, then maybe she needs a bit of a wake up call.

Can we stop with the gender neutral posts. Are you are a man living with a woman and her daughter or a woman in a same sex relationship?
It doesn’t matter in the general scheme of things, but several posters are getting confused. Are you living with SD’s dad or mum? Where is the other parent, what is their role in her upbringing? How did you two get together?

You’ve not said how old she is? If she’s 18/19 I’d cut her a little slack if she’s 25 I’d give her 3 months to find a house share. Problem is you need your wife to agree. Her waiting till she can buy a house alone is mad.

Is she actually causing any issues being in the house? It's difficult to pinpoint were your resentment is coming from. The fact that she doesn't spend money how you want her to, or because your wife still mothers her.

OP said that DP is SD’s mum as the mum does all SD’s washing cooking etc.

The only thing we don’t know is whether OP is a step dad in a heterosexual relationship or a step mum in a lesbian one.

Doesn’t really affect any of the details though.

You've pretty much kept your parter all these years (i., you said you pay all the bills except food), so your srep-daughter is expecting the same

Agree though that the question of where SD’s other parent is and how they contribute is relevant though…

Your DP needs to stop pandering to her, she's can do her own washing, cleaning etc. I'd also expect her to be cooking a few times a week, doing chores in the household each week.

If she wants to go travelling that's fine, how is she funding this? Is she expecting her parents to contribute towards this?

I'd use the travelling to put further boundaries in place, when she returns she can have the box room as you're turning her room into a craft room/guest room/office. Or you could downsize and look to invest the money to enable you to retire earlier or go travelling yourselves.

I read it that OP is the mother's partner. He or she lives with mum and SD (I think as well as their own kids)

The mother who lives with them is the DP who is enabling SD / doing her laundry etc.

Sometimes when you've raised kids for over 2 decades you look forward to having the house to yourself. Nice dinners with you and your partner without having to worry about anyone else, walking around in your pants, noisy sex etc. My SS lives with us full-time. He's only 17 so won't be moving out any time soon. He spends most of his time at work or in his room and he's no bother really, but DH and I do miss our privacy. He was previously 50:50 with his mother.

you can’t make her live her life to your morals/life values.

Your DP needs to step up, set up a standing order payment to contribute to the household. He should be on her back to do so. What does he pay for? Hold him liable if she doesn’t pay? Don’t hair her share responsible for something individual, make it a household contribution. Then live your life as you would anyway.

She is on an excellent income so needs to rent somewhere of her own. I wouldnt tolerate that. She's a grown up, we infantilise young adults in this country and no one benefits from this

This is irrelevant, what difference does it make.

I would be looking at moving and you can still have a lovely house but one that doesn’t have a lovely room for her - any lovely rooms in it can be for guests or other purposes.

I can understand your DP being defensive (I read this as your DP being her mother) but I think you need to have a calm discussion about the impact it is having and that you want to agree a future that involves her (your DP), but this needs to be different to how it is right now. Whilst she is likely to prioritise her DD, hopefully you can find a way that works where you two can compromise and your DD either properly contributes and acts responsibly or moves out.

@Miffed1233 when she is on her travels her bed needs to accidentally break!!

Are there other children?