Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

I don’t necessarily think a third is fair. It sounds like there are younger siblings although could be wrong but if there are why should she subsidize them.
also she presumably gets a smaller share of the house compared to her parents.

Charge her rent and stick it in a savings account.

Jeez. At 25 I was living at home, not having a clue what to do with my career, having a lovely time going out with my friends at weekends and saving for holidays. Less than 10 years later I’m married, on my second home and earn over 5 times my 25 yro salary . I think you’re being a little unfair about expectations.

Even my still at uni eldest child realises that house prices are only going up and it is best to get on the property ladder sooner rather than later and having the luxury of living at home whilst working (he has a graduate job lined up) means he can pile money into savings for a house deposit. He already has a LISA.

At 25 she is taking the piss. And yes rules can be set down for living at home and paying what is usually a small amount toward household bills. Her Mother isn't doing her any favours by babying her.

If SD wants to travel then fine but you need a conversation with your wife about the future and what that looks like.

Will a year traveling affect her career?

Did she live out in University?

Even if it was my own child that would be taking the mick..

I moved back in with parents around that age, i had to pay rent. It was a small amount but my income was low as i went back to studying..i was expected to contribute in others ways to make up..pulling my weight with household things, cooking everyone dinner for example once a week. I bought my own food, cleaning, wash products ontop..which i thought was a pretty basic expectation as an adult.

@Miffed1233 How much housekeeping does she pay?

I'd be inclined to significantly increase her contribution then you can set up a saving account and put away money for her so she is (unwittingly) saving for a deposit.

She gets paid approx 2k a month. I'd suggest she pays £750 Pcm. Where I live you couldn't rent a room in a house for that let alone get food, utilities, council tax, laundry ect. Anything above what she currently gives goes into savings. She'll soon have a nice lump. If she doesn't want to pay £750 she can move out. It's a win win.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 OK 1/3 might be a bit much! Just sounds frustrating for OP. I like the idea of saving it towards a deposit on her behalf with out her knowing.

Personally, I'd try to talk to your DP again but start from a position of 'what are we going to agree about the support we give all the children?'.

Clear boundaries you agree to apply to all.

e.g. They are welcome to live at home but after the age of 21 need to pay £x as rent (promptly) and do Y towards the housework?

I suspect I'd also 'secretly' stash that rent money away as a savings for them, to be given back as a gift towards a deposit if and when they are ready.

Then share those boundaries with all the kids and enforce them.

I would be honest with your DP and say that you were not imagining still living with your SD once she started working.
I would ask your DP what her plan is: how long before asking SD to move out / how much does she think she must have saved for a deposit / etc. Put her in the driver’s seat but make it clear that the current situation is not acceptable long term.
If she is not willing to be firm then you might need to be the bad cop and say that you are only willing to continue subsidising her if 1) she puts x amount aside every month (most of her salary) for a house deposit, done by standing order, and 2) monthly bills to be settled by standing order on the 1st of the month without you having to ask.

The only issue here is her not paying rent on time.

I think YABVVU

You sound very jealous that she is doing better than you in life.

At 25 I was married with a mortgage,a job and children.

I'm currently in my 30's so not massively older than the OP's SD.

I've lived independently since 18.

Too many young people are infantilised by their parents these days;it does them no favours;yes living alone is expensive but that's life.

If your partner isn't willing to do something about her daughter then it's time to reconsider the relationship.

Wow - some really differing views (especially in the two previous posts). I feel humbled that so many have expressed a view about my situation and some really good and valid points raised that I will give thought to. Thanks everyone

The only problem I can see is she doesn't seem to be looking a tad further into the future. I'd certainly look into helping her save. British culture does push independence but I feel this does come at the cost of familial closeness.

Really?!
Who’s house is she living in

I think OP sounds (rightly) frustrated. She’s 25 ffs, not 18.

We could all do better in life if we lived in someone else's home, had someone do our washing, cooking, cleaning and tidy our room all while paying our way reluctantly. In fact if OP is looking to adopt another daughter I am available, and I will tidy my own room, promise.

For info I’m mid 50’s
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

You are focussing on DSD, but she is not the real issue here.
What do you imagine life will be like when she moves out? What will be so different when it is just you and DP? What will magically change?

How will DP feel? Empty-nest syndrome is a big thing for some women.
Have you and DP planned or discussed retirement? How far off is it? What will retirement look like?

Worst case scenario, DSD moves out, and you and DP metaphorically look at each other and say "What now?"
How strong is your relationship? What is it based on, apart from paying bills and raising this child (the latter job now well and truly done, all bar the actual flying the nest).
What do you have in common? How will you each spend your time, together and apart?

DP may be hanging on to DSD as she is concerned about moving forward into the next phase of her life with you.

@Miffed1233 Sympathies, I have the same here, except they are my biological DC. My DH just CANNOT find his spine & tell them they need to be moving on. 🙄 What is wrong with the man, I ask myself?

They pay no rent, leave the house untidy. I don't tidy up after them but it's me who's affected - the untidiness does get me down.

The eldest (27) earns 50K FFS! We live in a reasonably cheap area, so absolutely no reason he couldn't buy. He had good savings that he wasted, despite being advised to use them for a house deposit.

The answer is that DH doesn't respect me. He knows I struggle with having two grown MEN living here, instead of striking out on their own, yet he will not back me up. TBF, he's always been the weak one re parenting, preferring to infantilise our DC.

There's a lot of discord here over it. DH & I are both 60 now still with DC living at home.
Utterly pathetic.

I suspect your DP doesn't respect you either. 🤨

@Tooosday wow. I'd be leaving the lot of them to it and getting myself a nice little flat somewhere. 50k and still relying on mummy and daddy? Ridiculous.

Age is so relevant here that I’m not sure how anyone can have formed an opinion without knowing it!

OP said many pages ago that the step daughter is 25.

I always feel so sorry for step children, when reading posts like these, irrespective of whether they are 3 or 33. I did not think so, but now I do - you can't cheat biology, unfortunately.

If she quits to go travelling for a year, that doesn't absolver of her responsibility to contribute towards the household income.

OK - she isn\t there - but where else would your landlord keep a room/ property free for nothing? She's on a very cushy number and needs to spend at least some of her time in the real world. If sh can afford to swan around the world for a year, she can afford to pay decent board money.

Draw up a full house hold expense sheet, mortgage, insurance, electricity, gas, tax, food, maintenance, broadband, TV, water, try and think of everything then split it by the 3 adults that are in the house. Let SD know she is liable for her 1/3 and it is not negotiable

But the other adult (her mother) isn't paying a third.

It’s nothing to do with her being a step child.

She’s an adult with a well paying job.

I know my parents would always allow me to live with them if needed. But no way would I not contribute significantly. I’d be embarrassed not to.

The problem here is op’s SD is a spoilt brat who doesn’t care how much she takes off her parents, and her mum enables her. This sort of attitude would have been enabled many many years ago.