Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

I don't think that you can get involved in the decision about what SD does or doesn't do - I think that you need to leave that to her mum.

In your position I would begin discussing that either I wanted to drop my work hours by a day or that I wanted to save x per month to retire early. Then I would have a conversation with DP about how we do that, how DP can contribute a reasonable amount to let that happen etc.

Let DP raise SD's contribution if she wants to, or increase her own hours if she'd rather..............................

She does pay towards utilities (albeit often late and “avoidant”) - ok. Not perfect but ok.

She spends money on “fripperies” - ok, she has disposable income. It’s daft, but so are a lot of things other people spend money on. Look at middle aged men with their bicycles.

She gets “dumped” - ok

She wants to travel (again) - ok, she’ll be funding this (right?)

Her mum cleans up after her - but you don’t so…

What do you actually want to change? Her to move out? Her to pay more for utilities? For her mum to not do her washing? For her to work harder/save more so she can buy a house? To downsize? To sell up and travel? Do you just think she’s a dick and it annoys you and you are venting?

That's a bit extreme! She loves her partner, why would she cut off her own nose to spite her face? They just need to get a bit tougher with SD. Of course she's not going to move out of home when it's so lovely and comfy and easy for her - it's probably why she hasn't got a partner herself either. Doesn't need one!

At 25 she should definitely be contributing properly and saving for a deposit. Life isn’t free and she needs to grow up. This would drive me round the bend, OP.
if she was say 18/19 I would maybe have a different opinion but at 25 she needs to contribute.

Start charging her proper rent. Keep what it actually costs to have her living in the house and save the rest for her. At least then you know she’s actually saving for a house. And if she doesn’t want to save that way, then the option is to move out!

You need to get dp on board. She does her own washing and room cleaning and takes her turns at cooking meals/cleaning communal areas. It’s not doing her any favours to infantilise her. You need to learn a new dynamic of adults house sharing rather than the old parent/child dynamic.

Its hard. We are in the same situation but we say we will help you but only if you help yourself.

I see it as our time now. Time to spend our money on us. I don’t want to make a profit out of our ds, but I don’t want to be supporting him still at the age of 26. He needs to be independent even if he can’t yet afford to move out.

If she’s 25 and going travelling that is the perfect natural end to the status quo. When she returns she goes into a house share like other mid 20somethings. You do need to get your wife to pull her finger out though - this is really on her. SD takes the piss because she can.

I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

I think it's a SHE that doesn't pay equally no mention of it being a DH or a Him.

TBH OP I think they're both taking the piss out of you, until your DP is reading from the same book the SD will continue to behave as she does.

You need to be honest and direct with your partner about how you feel.

tell her she needs to be more stern with her daughter and let her know that you two are ready to move on to the next phase of your life and she needs to grow up and look after herself.

i would be getting your partner to request that she keeps the money her daughter wants to save in an account somewhere safe so she isn’t dipping into it for the stuff you say she wastes money on.

why not? Just curious.

I know life is harder for this age group as housing is so much more expensive but balls to all that. DS and his GF are a bit younger than your SD and they both pay keep, though far less than they actually cost. They are also saving.

Are you married or not? as this has big implications if you break up financially with your other half over this issue.

I personally do not care who is the man/woman in this it would be the same advice.

This adult woman needs to pay her way.

Wave her off on her next trip, then get a lodger installed in her room.

I think that what you do next does kind of depend on the rest of the family. If she's the oldest and the rest are late teens or younger then what you do for her will set the pattern for all the rest. There needs to be a cut-off point. You talk about your children in plural and DPs in plural so at least four young people? maybe more. You can't support them all. They should be paying towards bills and mortgage if they want you to keep the big house with rooms for them all.

I know there's a school of thought that says rent is wasted money and young people should save up to buy property but I believe that a period of renting in various combinations of friends/partners and in various places is important in terms of becoming a fully independent adult.

Travelling might be really good for her. I wouldnt' necessarily discourage it. But i wouldn't fund it either or have her return to the status quo afterwards.

This thread was a nice test for my assumptions, I assumed that you were both women and DP was the mum.

In regards to the actual question: don't sell just to make a point to the SD. I think your DP should stop doing everything for her, though, because that's actually stunting her development. This happened to my sister, in similar circumstances. Your DP is not helping her daughter at all. It's difficult being a parent, but when they're that age, the very best thing you can do for them is encourage them to make it on their own, and that sometimes has to mean making their present situation less hospitable. Maybe have a conversation with DP like this - you both love SD, you want her to fulfil her potential, don't want her life passing her by...

1. Well done SD
2. Tell her she has taken the piss for too long and a SO to pay on time is now mandatory if she wishes to continue to stay there and the next time she pays late she will be asked to leave
3. Charge her a fair rent. Tell your DP if their adult DD is being subsidised it is at your dp choice/their expense
4. Give her a fair deadline to move out
5. Tell her her room will be changed into a guest room/repurposed and will not be available for her on her return, unless she continues to pay full rent while away (deadline to move out completely is still in place). If she doesn't want to pay rent tell her to organise storage for her stuff while she is away.

Wave her off to go travelling and repurpose her room for the year as a snug / games room / telly room / library / office, leaving a single bed or futon for when she returns or visits. Ideally something your wife really likes. You can't just leave her bedroom unused for an entire year, you may as well use it. It's what my parents did when we went off to uni and while we could still sleep there for Christmas etc it wasn't like "our room" any more.

I think it must be so difficult to live with another adult in your own home. Who's an adult so doesn't need to adhere to your rules, but also it's your home your rules. And you can't relax because there's a part of you that's still in parent mode- except you're not supposed to actually parent. My db moved back in and it was a nightmare. I don't think he cost a huge amount more but my moms mental load tripled. And when is he home and why isn't he home and is he ok. All the whole knowing that this is how he was in his own apartment just out of sight out of mind. And that it wasn't reasonable at 30 to be telling her where he was. She was thrilled when he moved out again.

Mine too. What does he do/say about his daughter, OP? Are you bankrolling him/her as well?

edited in case 'Mum' and partner are one and the same.

At 25 there are good reasons many might still live with their parent, but she is living there because it means all her income is disposable, but that's at your cost. I do have friends that lived at home for a few years in their early 30s and didn't really contribute much but within 18months ish had saved a full deposit and were out of their parents house again.

Speak to your partner, tell her you are not happy with the situation.

Draw up a full house hold expense sheet, mortgage, insurance, electricity, gas, tax, food, maintenance, broadband, TV, water, try and think of everything then split it by the 3 adults that are in the house. Let SD know she is liable for her 1/3 and it is not negotiable

Yep me too. 25 is not a child, bloody hell, I was supporting myself since I was 18!

People keep saying it's not a step-daughter issue, but it is a partner issue. That's incorrect - it's an issue with them both! At 25 anyone with half a brain knows that they should be supporting themselves. She sounds lazy and also seems to have no intelligence around budgeting/paying her way fairly.

OP you have both a SD problem and a partner problem.

Good luck and I hope you can figure something out because this isn't sustainable.

@HermioneKipper

erm yes a lot of people would feel the same way if it was there own child

So she has worked hard to get a good job and get qualified so I am not sure what opportunities she is squandering.

she is paying towards her upkeep even if it is a bit reluctantantly.

going traveling is a great experience and something to do when young before she is tied down with a mortgage and kids. She has qualifications and experience so will be able to get a job when she returns.

would be good for her to save money but she is young so good for her to also enjoy some of it.

realistically she probably can’t buy a house yet and saying she needs a partner to buy with may be realistic unless she waits till she is earning a lot more and has saved.

I am struggling to see the big issue really.

SD does sound annoying but then again, I am sure I was at that age (very self-centred & thoughtless). Also just wondered if covid affected her getting out and renting a place with mates after uni / college? Did it prevent her going out into the big wide world?

First of all, you and DP need to get on the same page, until this happens everything else is futile in this regard. Is your DP worried about empty nesting?

Second be clear with your SD on your expectations. Your DP needs to take the lead on this one:
Set up standing order
Do your own washing
Tidy up
Family meal once a week, all other meals are your own etc................

Also - Your DP needs to tell her to stop doing botox!! She's making a rod for her own back

I think I would be heavily upping her rent to reduce her disposable income and then putting the difference into a savings account on her behalf which she can have back as a deposit only when she chooses to rent or buy her own place. That way the money is still “hers” but can’t just be frittered away. It needs to be paid by standing order

quite frankly if her and her mother won’t agree to this then I would be looking at staying with my partner but in separate households. The whole thing sounds exhausting.

How old are your other children and do they live at home ?
At 25 any child should be paying rent and caring for themselves ie own washing, cooking and keeping house tidy. It’s a life skill
You and your wife need to co parent and help SD become independent.Disagreement is sends mixed messages

I'm guessing that Fannyfiggs is probably making a reference to the extreme dislike towards the partners daughter that radiates from the OP's post.