Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

It depends whether you consider fully financially supporting an employed adult for an indefinite number of years “love,” I suppose.

Personally, I don’t think it would do my children any favors at all, because they wouldn’t learn some essential life skills-how to budget, what running a household actually costs, etc.

It’s different if they’re in education or actively saving for a deposit, of course.

bringing her up?!
What is she, five?

Some people are bonkers. Why does it always come down to some supposed trauma or mental health issues? The woman (yes, she is a grown woman) is clearly spoilt and entitled.

I have a DD who grew up with a narcissist dad (who I left) who did all-sorts of damage to her. Thanks to me she is now living independently and is happy and she's not even 21 yet.

That would drive me insane. My god.

DSD clearly doesn't feel that traumatised or unwanted in the family home, otherwise she wouldn't still be there AGE 25.

The op is a man and married the sd’s mum

@TheWildEyeBoyfromafreecloud

exactly!! She doesn’t need bringing up, she is adult. Don’t be ridiculous

She can travel - that's her decision and her right, its your right to let her know that she doesn't live in your house when she returns. You're not keeping "her" room, it'll be changed to something else when she moves out - that's what she is doing - she is moving out. She is an adult, this is adulting.

Change it to an office, a walk in wardrobe, a new bathroom - anything - just change it FROM a bedroom.

It certainly sends a message when parents do that. Mine did during my first term at university-I came home for Christmas and they’d put a few files on my desk. Gradually it morphed from my room into their office. 😂 I was always welcome to stay even after uni, but it was clear that it wasn’t “my” room anymore.

If I’d lived with them long term and contributed, I’m sure I could’ve turned it back into mine, but I didn’t so it was their office.