Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Can you articulate this to your partner in such a way that she doesn't feel you're 'attacking' her daughter? I think you've got a valid point by the way.

You mention multiple children including your own, how old are they and have they all moved out?

God people are talking about her like she’s 18….. she’s 25! She’s not a baby.

Sell up, downsize, enjoy some ease. DP can visit you for date nights only.
The gravy train has arrived at the terminus, man.

You don't have a SD problem - you have a wife problem. You need to address this with your wife and get on the same page. If SD earns 30k then she can afford to rent her own place. She absolutely does not need to live in your house for another 5 years. If you can't get your wife to agree with you then you may need to separate to get a peaceful retirement.

I am a mum and I am expecting my DD to leave home and will be supporting her to do so. She's sure as buggery not having a gap year on my dime!!

It's a frustrating situation for you to be in! I'm in my late 20s and find it strange her being so unwilling to make a physical or financial contribution to the home.

Really her mum needs to lead the conversation in her post-travel plans but that sounds like it's not going to happen. No advice from me really, just my sympathies.

Has SD ever lived away from home for more than a year? She should really consider it for experience sake. She might learn not to rely on everyone else for everything. As you said before, she's clearly capable

At 25 I owned a house and was running a company, and actually had a baby on the way. Never received a penny off my parents since I left at 18 for uni, have spent one singular night at my mums since then. I cannot fathom how a full grown woman can be happy living like a teenager having to be chased to pay towards her own expenses.

She has an income. So there's nothing stopping her living alone. She has 3 months to move out, allowing a month to save for each a bond, month in advance and last month's rent. Some chick's need kicking out of the nest.

Her mother is doing her no favours doing all her chores for her. Even if she does move out, expect her to turn up at your house with bags of washing.

My DSS is 17 and is responsible for his own washing, cleaning his own room, changing his bedding and also has some other chores he has to do. That's the way I was brought up too and I had my own place at 20 while still at uni. I don't think my mum did my washing after the age of 12.

Exactly. Never understood this. I had a lovely home life and loved my parents but I was desperate to have my own independence. At 25 I was married with a mortgage on a 4 bed house and had been out of my parents house for 5 years.

It sounds like this situation has evolved in the last few years and you and DP haven't had a serious conversation or plan for it, which happens often, I think.

Nothing you have described about your expectations is unreasonable. And your partner is being horribly unfair and disrespectful but shutting down every conversation about her DD with the 'you're attacking me/her' line. That's really immature.

I don't think a 25yo who spends everything she earns has a remote chance of buying a property any time soon. So you and DP need to confront this reality (together at first, then with DD) and start discussing the options for her. It sounds like this would be a house share or other lower cost rental. She earns enough to pay for this by the sound of it. It's the wake up call she needs.

I don't think you should be supporting her financially for the travelling as it sounds like just more apathy and 'lifestyle' choice, with no plan at the end of it.

Not sure what the pressure is on bedrooms or whether there are other children but if her room is needed, it should be passed to another child.

Is SD's dad on the scene?

The other factor at play here is the financial dependence your DP has on you. It may make her feel as if you have all the power and she needs to defend her DD, but that's on her, not you. It sounds like you're contributing more than fairly already to the whole household.

In summary, stop letting her shut down the conversation that needs to happen and make sure you get a fair say in plans for this year and beyond.

I graduated at 23 and went straight into employment.

I lived with my dad at the time and I paid about 35% of my wage to him. We also shared food costs on top of that and took it in turns to cook. We also shared all household duties and housework. It stayed like this until I moved out aged 25.

As she’s 25 I feel that she should be acting much more maturely than she is and thinking about her future.

And completely unrelated, I find it really sad that a 25 year old feels that she needs to have Botox.

You have a DP problem. She is enabling her behaviour. But why are you funding everything and not your DP? If DP wants to subsidise her adult daughter then she needs to work more and pay her daughters share of living costs. And cleaning her 25 year olds bedroom is just lunacy.

I adore my children and will happily house them as young adults. But there will be clear conditions - they contribute a percentage of their incomings to the household, they do their own laundry, do a share of cooking and cleaning, they have a clear financial plan for moving out in the near future.

I don't think you have anything to apologise for OP. Your post was perfectly clear and not gender neutral as someone weirdly said
It's not your fault posters make assumptions instead of reading properly.

The problem here is your DP, you are not on the same page and her mollycoddling of her daughter isn't helping her to be a proper adult.
It's ridiculous that she's still washing and cleaning up after a 25 Yr old.

You need to both sit her down, insist she sets up a dd and tell her she needs to pull her weight with the housework but if your DP won't agree you need to think carefully about the whole relationship because then they are both taking you for a mug.

It’s time for her to live on her own. You’ll be doing her a favour long term, so see it as helping her to fly.
tell her it’s great she is going travelling! Then say she needs to have someone else to live lined up for her return as all her things will be waiting boxed up in
the garage ready for her return.

I mean it's a conversation - she either pays you on the 1st of the month - no excuses - or she moves out.
Ridiculous that you're expected to subsidise a 25-year old.

She sounds like a lovely young woman. Educated, in a good job, has saved enough money for TWO gap year trips, all by the age of 25.

Fair enough if the living situation isn't working for you. Sit down with your partner and explain that when SD returns you'd like to put a limit on her staying with you again. Perhaps 3 months, until she is employed again.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

We had our own dd move back in during lockdown having previously been living in shared flats, and although she didn't pay us rent she saved hard for a deposit and bought her own house after 18 months here. That was hard enough, just having a third adult living here full time after a few years on our own.

Your biggest obstacle here is her mother - if she's going off travelling for a year this is a good opportunity to change things and tell her she can't move back in on return but you and dp have to be on the same page.

Do you need to keep the big house anyway if you're planning to retire? Maybe downsizing or at least moving might be a good fresh start.

To drive home the point to your DSD and to your partner, could you suggest that you have looked at the household budget and will need to let DSD’s room out to a lodger for the year she is away travelling ?

In other words get her to clear all her stuff out of cupboards and wardrobes before she goes and leave it clean and tidy for the incoming lodger. Tell her how much you will be charging on the room and how much for use of the kitchen and laundry facilities.
Also tell her that she will be welcome back to lodge after the 12 months as long as the room is free and she pays the going rate. Or if she prefers she can ‘reserve’ her room for her time away at a special rate per month as long as she pulls her socks up before she goes and shows she is much more responsible and considerate. (Doing her own laundry, food and cleaning and paying on time without being asked)

Of course you may not need to actually follow through with letting the room out but it might help concentrate DSD’s mind a little bit and shift her on from her entitlement.

Just insist she pays rent (not market rate obvs) and does her own cleaning/a share of chores. All the things she'd be doing if she moved into a flat share. It's the only way she'll learn to be a responsible adult. My MIL did everything for DP's brother who's a lot like your step daughter, bright and capable. Except he's now 40 and too comfortable to leave home and struggles in relationships too as he can't cope with adult problems like running a house. MIL should have either turfed him out long ago or not waited on him hand and foot (washing, cooking, no expectation to pay rent or do chores etc).

Cut the cord. When living with you isn't a free/easy option, it won't be as attractive.

A large part of the issue is that SD is modelling what she has experienced. So you paying all the bills for the household is quite an unusual scenario in this day and age.
Big talk with your DP, how long does she see you being the cash cow before you can retire?

Who’s paying for the travelling? How old is she?

How old is she?

I lived with my dad and my step mum and always had a room in the house. My step mum never made me feel like it wasn’t my house and always said I had a room with them.

I saved to go travelling and then still had my room there for me when I got back.

You shouldn’t get involved with someone who has children if this is your attitude - would you feel the same way if it was your own child?

Does your partner have a share of the house? Is there a reason why she over compensates for her daughter?

Also do you rely on SDs contribution to assist with your retirement plans? How old is the youngest...i.e how long are you likely to keep a house for?

I think you need to encourage your partner to see that she isn't helping her daughter long-term by babying her. Then get on with your plans for downsizing or retiring, it will help you to feel less resentful.

I would encourage my kids to develop self reliance and will support them in saving for a house. That being said they would always be welcome home when and if they want to come.

Is she at least saving into her pension? I didn't until I was almost 30, and that was the worst decision I've made.

Consider increasing her rent but putting some of that rent aside in a savings account her for when she wants to buy a home. Maybe don't tell her about it, though 😉