Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

I would not be surprised. I am comfortable now cos my mortgage is £1020 due to rise to £1256 and also no student loans, and dh only has 4k left on his. Also lived rent free for 3 years and saved 60k plus dh had 10k savings due to bar mitzvah money, tutoring and gap year work. If someone didn't have all that and rent rose more than wage inflation (our flat would rent for 2k now) plus childcare, it may be a little hard esp if wages didn't go up.

We are trying desperately to increase our earnings now and get ahead while we are still comfortable (dh applying to 10 jobs everyday, goal is combined 200k within next 3 years). We wouldn't have state pension by the time we reach our 60s so need to pay off mortgage by the time we are 40 (am 31 now) and build up a pension pot in time to retire at 65 (that is what would be needed without state pension . Plus we would need to pay childcare and I hope for a slightly bigger flat (but yet have to somehow pay off mortgage).

However someone without all our advantages and have to pay for pension and childcare and house deposit and double student loan all by themselves - they could very well find themselves in the same financial precarity than someone on 30-65k is facing today. An asset economy means that what yiu own matters more than what you do unless you earn hundreds of thousands.

I agree but I think it's more judicious if this gets sorted by her Mum.

Is she paying the whole gas/electric/water charges?

My daughter is 16. I'm a single parent. She knows she will have to find her way, with some assistance, either at the point of going to university or around that age.

It does no-one any good to keep adults as children, to overindulge them or to be their slave.

In the OP's case, I;d give her 3 months to get out and find a place or go travelling after which she would not be coming back.

Harsh as it is, she is 25, not 18 and she is already forecasting being in the same situation when she is 30+ unless some (unlucky and stupid) man decides she is worth keeping, because let's be clear here, what she wants is to be put on a pedestal, worshipped and left to waste her income on herself.

It is time for a reality check and if the wife doesn't back you up, she can go too !

I feel for you! Don’t even get me started on this subject. I am very much in the same boat, my husband has two sons, one of whom lives with us, earns £31,000 a year, pays absolutely nothing to contribute towards his life here, even ask his dad to go to Sainsbury’s with him, because he knows that way, he won’t have to pay for whatever he buys there. He’s spoilt, entitled, smug, and just spend his money on a flash, Mercedes-Benz car, designer clothing. Has even said he wants to buy a property but couldn’t afford to live in it so may do so and rent it out and continue to live here for nothing! To say The, I am fuming, doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. of course he will never move out, why would he! I have no advice for you as I am at a loss to know how to handle my own situation. I hope you get some better advice from other people on here.

Have you asked him to pay you rent? That’s the starting point. If you want it to be different you and your partner need to initiate it.

My partner won’t hear of it! So there really is nothing I can do

I know this doesn't answer your question but what youve posted has puzzled me for a couple of years now, i dont feel shes alone in the staying at home spending money on Botox expensive shoes and clothes ect.
I work with loads of younger people, all earning a decent enough wage to probably leave home, professional and responsible jobs vary on amounts due to qualification, length of service, band ect
In my direct line of contact id say 80% (that are single ) still live at home (all under 35) all have Botox ,lashes ,nails done, all have top of the range phones and cars, one even has a Tesla, possibly on contract i dont know, and i know its none of business, mostly bar 2 are female, and dont seem to have any intention of moving out soon, also dont seem to be making plans too. (im not in South of UK)
One did move in with her boyfriend but they broke up and shes now back home.
I find this slightly odd, i couldnt wait to leave home and flat share.
Does any one think they have it so good theres no reason for them to move?

It sounds like the cost of her staying with you is minimal and she does pay rent, albeit reluctantly. So I think this is not about money. You just don't want her there.

If this was me I would stay married but I would tell my husband that I'm not prepared to live with him under these circumstances anymore and we have to get separate homes.
I realise that's probably pie in the sky and not feasible but I hope you can do something because this really isn't fair on you.
(and I suspect your husband would feel differently about being sponged off if you weren't there to absorb some of it)

You're missing the entire point which is why should the OP want her living there indefinitely? Young adults need to make their own way in life.

Im not missing the point. Plenty of adult kids stay at home, for ever even - if the parents are happy with it's fine. My husband's aunt's son lived with his parents til they died and he inherited the house in his 50s, a cousin has her 35 single son still at home, my 30 year old nephew still lives at home, my own 2 adult children are still at home. All these parents are quite happy. The OP's partner seems happy. Only the OP is unhappy.

Missing the point entirely, but why does a 25 year old need botox?!

@J97King but the OP is perfectly within their rights to be unhappy about it. All members of the household have to be happy with any living arrangements.

I agree. Like I said, sound like the OP doesn't want her there, which is fair enough, but I don't think it's about money.

The OP says that he feels as if life is zooming by though, @J97King , which suggests that he might like to start cutting back on work, have some nice holidays, etc. How can he do that when he has to pay all the household bills? To me, it just sounds as if he wants the other adults in the house to chip in so he has some spare cash -as they do.

@Miffed1233
In your shoes I would tell the partner I now want a 'living apart together' marriage. This will never change while you are there with no choice but to facilitate it.
In other words there are no good options😕

@Floofydawg

most people don’t want to live with their children or stepchildren indefinitely

So if you pay mortgage + all bills, and SD pays for food - then what exactly does your DP pay for? Theres a very poor example being set here. & You're annoyed with your SD but not your DP, it makes no sense

His partner pays for the food, the step-daughter doesn’t pay for anything unless pressed.

My heart breaks at men marrying women who don't love their dc and to be fair why shoud they?

Op I understand your frustration here but the bottom line is the girls dad sounds like a massive flake and to be fair to his child he shouldn't have married you.

The daughter owns the mother & by extension you OP.
You are trapped, if you try to press either of them to make changes the other will attack you for it.
That girl aint giving up her cushy life for no-one, it's too far gone for any kind of painless solution- that's what I think!

@Floofydawg we have no idea what trauma this young adult has gone thru.

I know from personal experience what bad marriages look like but for children to loose their parents, home and base and have people who don't love them in charge it's a fucking nightmare for them... It seems very casual these days

@Gloriosaford no matter how cushy you think her life is, it's a lot less cushy than having a home with the two parents who actually love her bringing her up and caring for her.

On £30k and barely paying a living expenses she should be saving thousands towards a house deposit. Time to tell her to shape up or ship out.