Step Daughter no inclination to make her way

[Miffed1233]

I’ll try and state this factually & unemotionally

1. SD has a professional career ahead of her and earns around 30k as a newbie. She studied hard to get qualified. Probably has the most disposable income in our household

2. reluctantly (& rarely on time) pays towards household utility bills. Each month is a manual payment. Has avoided setting up a sto and has to be asked, frequently nagged and in some cases has been more than 10 days late paying. Comes across as avoidant

3. I earn a lot more than my DP so pay all bills / mortgage (except food, which she pays). I haven’t minded doing this previously when children were young, but….

4. sd clearly not saving towards a house and whenever her mum brings it up says she wont be in a position to buy a house for at least 5 years or unless she meets a man. (Her dating rarely goes beyond 3-5 dates before she is dumped)

She spends her income on frippery…Botox and overpriced beauty products / shoes / clothes (did I mention shoes?)

5. Has now announced she is taking a year off to go travelling (for the 2nd time)

For info I’m mid 50’s and have reached a point where I’m finding it immoral that I’m having to continue to put a roof over her head whilst she has a “lifestyle”.
On current course will be in my 60’s before she “grows up”. I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for, life is too short etc

I’m normally the first to leap to the defence of youngsters today and the pressure of social media / house prices etc they face compared to my generation but feel this is not taking responsibility. I oscillate between wanting to downsize…so she gets the message (we live in a big house & she has a very nice room) and realising this isn’t something I’d actually want to do if I didn’t have this resentment. AIBU?

Talking with her mother about it is difficult. She agrees she should be saving for a house but is powerless to make her do so and meantime does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning her room). She defaults to defending her daughter and sees me as “attacking” her all the time. Love my DP to bits….what should I do? I feel my life is zooming by and I’ll have spent the majority of it providing for my children and hers and will be doing so well into my retirement. Surely this isn’t the natural order of life?

Putting aside my frustration it’s also sad that she is very capable and has more capacity than most but isn’t seizing or recognising the opportunity and good position she is interested

AIBU

You think that things that happen to children don’t affect them at all? Eg has her dad died, are her parents divorced, did her mum come out as a lesbian when she was a teenager?
All of these will have affected the young woman and how other people treated her.
As an aside as a mother of DC’s in their 20’s I and my friends continue to support them, university, driving lessons, car, deposit on rented flat, deposit on house purchase, contribution towards wedding etc. It’s some we want to do because we love them and we know how expensive everything is nowadays.

It does make a difference. At first I assumed the poster was female, in a relationship with SD’s father and wondered why SD was living with them rather than her own mother.

What is your actual resentment?

Because if she’s paying her way in terms of contributions to the bills, how else is she costing you money?

Or is it that you feel you have to keep working in order to pay for the house you live in which includes room for her, whereas ideally you’d prefer to stop working and downsize to a smaller house?

Do you feel resentment towards her mother that you are being expected to make this sacrifice for a child that isn’t biologically yours?

Or do you simply just feel that as she’s earning money she should be living on her own instead of in your house?

Normally in all families , even step families the one with the money pays for everything. This is how it is. May be she only behaves like that because her father and mother found it easy that way. We always sign up fully for everything that comes along the way, how is this not clear, the good, the bad and the ugly ( not saying she should not be doing something wiser ) but again, would you say it is fair that you got just the man and not anyone else related with him?

The other day a step lady who married a man and took all his money was asking should she leave his money to his kids when she dies, meaning the money that their mother left to their dad that she will get hold on, is morally all hers to decide what to do with.

You say she’s the highest earner in the house earning 30k

You say you are the highest earner out of you and your dh and he pays nothing?!?! That is crazy

You should be asking him to up his ambitions

No harm in talking to the girl and asking what her housing plan is? Tell her you plan to downsize

Nah, you lost me at 'before she gets dumped' and 'frippery'.

YABU

I'd be a whole lot more pissed off with a DP who didn't contribute towards bills than a young adult who does.

Whilst I agree that she shouldn't have everything done for her, a young adult who works, earns well, contributes towards bills and wants to go travelling wouldn't be a problem for me. I'm not sure why you resent her so much?

Your DP needs to pay her fair share of the bills. Odd that you expect SD to, but give your DP a free pass.

Why @Fannyfiggs ? Why does that make OP unreasonable?

YANBU OP. She needs to move out and in the meantime pay her way. Travelling and botox is not a rite of passage if she can't afford it after paying her bills/living expenses. Being lazy around the house is not on. You need to really talk to your partner.

I hate seeing people waste money on bullshit like shoes and botox, why not start saving for the future instead and stop relying on your parents! Travelling is fine, if you can afford it. Living expenses come first...parents - stop enabling your kids!

Aww just let her live with you rent free. She is your partner’s CHILD!! You knew what you were getting yourself into when you got with a woman with kids.

actually so refreshing to not see any of this drivel on this thread!

The author is male (the step dad).

The DP who “pays nothing” is the girl’s mother.

@Fannyfiggs

why?

why is he being unreasonable?
if she gets dumped she gets dumped 🤷‍♀️
and Botox is frippery in the sense that it’s not an essential purchase

Is it your house or does DP own it too? Has DP ever contributed to your shared living costs? The comment by her mother of finding a man to live off (like she has) is incredibly telling even though she has a good job at the moment. I think you’re pushing water up hill to try and instigate change when her mum is so passive. I agree with everyone saying you need to be on the same page but it’s not going to happen.

Thx everyone, apologies I didn’t make it specific but I’m a fella and my DP is a lady :)

SD is 25 fwiw

Is her DF around?

If she pays as much as you ask towards bills surely that is OK?

Is her saving money a condition of her living with you?

Does your partner do her cooking & laundry separately this increasing bills?

A 25 year old wasting money on Botox and not paying her own way 🙄 I wouldn’t be happy either, you need to talk to your partner about it though and find a solution, if I was you, I’d want her to move out.

Miffed1233 · Today 08:49

Thx everyone, apologies I didn’t make it specific but I’m a fella and my DP is a lady :)

SD is 25 fwiw

lol, sweetheart, let me tell you then: our Romanian aunt took hold of a millionaire, he had already adult kids before her, he spent his money looking after her, her daughter, her mother and in the end everything went to these two. You should start with that.

I lived with friends in rented houses, at uni and beyond, to the age of about 27 when I moved in with DP. Most of us in our mid 20s were more interested in earning money to spend on clothes, music, going out etc than saving for a mortgage. So she may not be that unusual in terms of where her priorities lie.

However the crucial difference was that we were paying our own rent and bills so had to make those financial choices ourselves, and sort out the consequences if we overspent.

I think at her age she does need to start paying properly via standing order, and do her own washing and cleaning etc, OR move out eg into a house share. It's tricky when it's your partner's child though. I wonder if you could talk to your partner about how some independence and responsibility would be really good for her daughter as well as good for you guys.

I know a lot of people do move back home to save and that's probably better financially, but I do think those years of house shares in grotty rentals do teach you a lot of life skills, as well as how to negotiate living with other people!

Lots of young adults need a bit of a kick to fly the nest. If it's too comfortable for them, what's the incentive to leave and make their own way?

If the bills aren't paid, she needs to be made to feel uncomfortable/awkward about it. Change the wifi password.

The trouble is, if your DP isn't on board you're really stuck. Do you think on some level she doesn't want her to leave? You need to have a serious chat with your DP and make it clear that you've had enough and there needs to be a plan for her to move out. She's not doing her daughter any favours.

Irrelevant in this case. She is on a good income and simply needs to pay her way, its a simple situation

It doesnt make a difference at all to the situation set out in the OP

I definitely wouldn't be nagging her to make those payments - it's not a good use of your energy and obviously entrenches the idea that she's entitled to the space. Speak to your DP and draw up a contract. You should not be expending your energy on getting your SD to meet basic requirements. That should be covered by an agreement between you all.
Make it clear a) what your expectations are and b) what the consequences are for not meeting them. And let the contract do the work for you.

But, getting your DP on side is really important

Your SD isn't the problem, your wife enabling her poor behaviour and inability to take responsibility for herself is the real issue. (I'd be annoyed at SD being reluctant to pay towards her living expenses while merrily paying for Botox and travelling with no hestiation - her attitude is immature and I would resent the ingratitude for you subsidising her lifestyle.)

I get that parents want to look after and help their kids, but when I moved back in with my parents as an adult, I paid rent monthly and contributed to cleaning the house and cooking. I didn't resent it.

I'd draw up some options for her together with her mum, eg

Option A - continue to live with us but you'll pay a fair contribution for food, bills, rent which will be x
Option B - move out and don't pay us anything
Option C - whatever is relevant

Sounds like you are just getting a bit fed up with her ( which is fair enough)

You say that you are mid fifties, and don't want to be supporting her into retirement.

However, you also say that she is (if somewhat reluctantly and late) paying into household funds.

It might be worth thinking to yourself what you want from the next ten years. Do you want to be mortgage free? Do you want to move somewhere else?

Would you like to drop to part time in the run up to retirement, and therefore you want to look at a cheaper (not necessarily smaller house?)

Would you still be fed up with her if she was in a shared house?

She is being a bit of a twat but she's also young and recently graduated. A lot of people spend their mid to late 20s finding their feet and figuring things out. It's a weird time of transition from education to adulthood and at a time in society when the things you're meant to achieve as an adult feel so far out of reach that you feel kind of stuck, no longer secure as an adolescent with family support, but with buying a house etc feeling so far off you can't imagine ever being able to get there. I remember it well and this was a while ago for me now, and things have got much worse.

That said she needs to pull her socks up! Set up regular payments, do her fair share of the housework etc. Or she has to move out. The issue is that you're not on the same page as your partner. Until you are this will just become a source of conflict on two fronts.