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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DP takes cocaine?

261 replies

serexcited · 19/02/2024 16:20

If they do, how do you feel? If they don't, how do you think you would feel if they did?

My DP takes coke when he's on a night out / drinking alcohol. I've caught him a few times taking it even when sober. I knew this when I first met him, I didn't mind. A few months into the relationship it made me uncomfortable. Years later, we have a beautiful baby. I find it disgusting. I hate it so much. He says "all of my friends do it, everyone does it nowadays" which where I live is actually true. It makes me sad to be honest. He cannot go on a night out without it. We planned a very last minute outing on Saturday, as my mum offered to watch baby for the night. As soon as I said to him about a night out there he was on his phone texting to get coke. We've had so many arguments about this. I don't want to be in a relationship with a man that takes coke. I don't want my baby's father to take coke. I cannot control him . I've told him already it's coming very soon where I'm going to give him the option of me and baby or coke. It's annoying me now.

when we come home after a night out he lays staring at the ceiling because the coke doesn't allow him to sleep. When the bag is coming to an end, he acts an animal and licks the bag inside out. I REFUSE to kiss him because he puts the coke around his gums and I can literally taste it.

I know this is partly my fault because I knew he took it when I got with him.

AIBU? should I just let him work away and pretend I don't know he has it. How would you feel?

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 19/02/2024 16:20

Big time ick.

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 19/02/2024 16:21

He wouldn't be my partner anymore, simple as that. I don't tolerate drug taking and I certainly don't tolerate it from a parent.

But I am always surprised when people know their boyfriend takes drugs and are surprised that they don't suddenly stop now that there's a child involved.

GoingRoundInOvals · 19/02/2024 16:21

It's a bit stable door after the horse has bolted OP, because he wouldn't have been a DP of mine from the beginning.

However, you should be able to have a reasonable and grown up conversation with him as to why your feelings on accepting this have changed and find a middle ground for you both

Mabelface · 19/02/2024 16:22

I think you need to give him that ultimatum sooner rather than later, and don't be surprised if he chooses coke, as that's his first love. He needs to move out and get help.

Original poster
serexcited · 19/02/2024 16:22

I would like to add, when he was texting for coke on Saturday before we went out, a few of his usual dealers didn't have it or was taking too long to respond. He told me if he couldn't get it he wasn't going out. He did end up getting it. But bizzare to me he can't go out drinking without it.

OP posts:
WaitingfortheTardis · 19/02/2024 16:22

I'd be embarrassed for him and to be with him.

Oneofthesurvivors · 19/02/2024 16:23

Absolute deal breaker. But I wouldn't have got with him in the first place.

EmailMyHeart · 19/02/2024 16:24

Mine doesn’t, he’s never tried it and neither have I, I just think the whole concept is morally and physically repugnant.

WeeOrcadian · 19/02/2024 16:24

I don't understand why you had a child with him, he's clearly not going to stop and you knew from the beginning that he took it

Itscatsallthewaydown · 19/02/2024 16:24

He’d be out. Cocaine users are pricks.

MassiveOvaryaction · 19/02/2024 16:24

My dh barely even drinks so I can't imagine him ever taking cocaine! He'd be out on his ear if he did. I'd never have got into a relationship with him if I knew he took it.

Not sure how that helps you though op?

GinaLoubie · 19/02/2024 16:25

Imagine only being able to have a night out if you're coked off your head! Nah girl, run.

Brightandbubly · 19/02/2024 16:25

He’s a tosser

PossumintheHouse · 19/02/2024 16:26

Nope. If he’d tried it once? OK, no problem. What you’re describing sounds like addiction.

Overtheatlantic · 19/02/2024 16:26

That would be a hard no from me. Your child deserves better than a drug using dad.

Mitherations · 19/02/2024 16:26

It doesn't matter how anyone else would feel about it. If you got 150 replies saying they'd be fine with it, that wouldn't change how you feel about it, and that's what matters.

Tell him you want to talk to him and he needs to be straight, agree a time. Sit down and tell him that you're over it, you're on the verge of leaving him if he doesn't pack it in and get assistance with recovery, and stick to it. Any wobble and you're gone.

If there was ever a time for an ultimatum, unless you're already done with him, and that would be understandable, then this is it.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 19/02/2024 16:27

I wouldn't have him as a partner. You should leave him and take your baby away from a drug user.

Tellmeifimwrong · 19/02/2024 16:27

It's not as simple as "why did you have kids with man who takes coke". I used to take coke occasionally, pre-kids, as well as other recreational drugs. The second I got pregnant with my first, I knew I'd never take drugs again. I don't get why men can't do the same. This is how we end up in relationships with them, because we believe they will do as we would, and give up our vices once we become parents. But they don't.

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/02/2024 16:28

I don't think I would be able to co parent with someone that attached to any drug, to be honest. Not even a smoker would be OK with me.

Robbiesraft · 19/02/2024 16:29

Unless he was prepared to admit his addiction and take steps to give it up, he'd be my ex-DP. And I wouldn't be prepared to live with him while he was getting off the drug.

Farwell · 19/02/2024 16:29

Nope. That would be marriage over. And I have accepted and tolerated more than most women would. He would never be around any child of mine after that either.

SmashedPrawnsInAMilkyBasket · 19/02/2024 16:29

He wouldn’t be my DP. Coke turns people into boring arseholes, eats into family money, supports criminal networks and exploitation, and makes you a drug user. I’m surprised it’s still so popular. There are enough legal ways to have a good night out.

SpecialG · 19/02/2024 16:29

100% hard no from me.

Bunnybear42 · 19/02/2024 16:30

My DH of 18 years has always dabbled in cannabis (this then moved to coke) socially much to my dismay too- jobs lost, debts built up then he sorts himself out. However this escalated big time following the death of his father (and when our 2nd child was under 1) and he was heavily into Coke and couldn't function without it I later discovered- we have a now 2 year old and 17 year old. He's in recovery but it's hard work and he is depressed and now drinks and smokes more !! It's really frustrating and hard and I don't trust him sadly.. I hope to be in a position to end things in next year or two when financially stable... I feel for you - I'm not sure it ever gets to be what you want it to be ..

Moveoverdarlin · 19/02/2024 16:30

It’s just a bit cringe and embarrassing to still be taking it when you have a wife and child.