How would you feel if your DP takes cocaine?

[serexcited]

If they do, how do you feel? If they don't, how do you think you would feel if they did?

My DP takes coke when he's on a night out / drinking alcohol. I've caught him a few times taking it even when sober. I knew this when I first met him, I didn't mind. A few months into the relationship it made me uncomfortable. Years later, we have a beautiful baby. I find it disgusting. I hate it so much. He says "all of my friends do it, everyone does it nowadays" which where I live is actually true. It makes me sad to be honest. He cannot go on a night out without it. We planned a very last minute outing on Saturday, as my mum offered to watch baby for the night. As soon as I said to him about a night out there he was on his phone texting to get coke. We've had so many arguments about this. I don't want to be in a relationship with a man that takes coke. I don't want my baby's father to take coke. I cannot control him . I've told him already it's coming very soon where I'm going to give him the option of me and baby or coke. It's annoying me now.

when we come home after a night out he lays staring at the ceiling because the coke doesn't allow him to sleep. When the bag is coming to an end, he acts an animal and licks the bag inside out. I REFUSE to kiss him because he puts the coke around his gums and I can literally taste it.

I know this is partly my fault because I knew he took it when I got with him.

AIBU? should I just let him work away and pretend I don't know he has it. How would you feel?

Deal breaker for me.

Where are earth do you live where ‘everybody’ takes drugs?

For me, absolutely not. He would no longer be my DP, especially if he couldn't have 1 night out without it.

I would not choose to be with someone who takes such drugs.

I wouldn't tolerate it whatsoever in my relationship. However ... you are giving him no consequences for it. You say you will make him choose, but you aren't. He feels allowed to do it so he is. And another however .... he knows you despise it, but he doesn't care, he does it anyway. The overwhelming likelihood is that he will continue to do it in secret and lie to you. For those reasons, I think if you well and truly don't want to be in a relationship with a cokehead or have your children brought up by one, then your relationship is likely over.

He does seem dependent on it. I don’t see this going anywhere good tbh.

i also agree with pp who said she cut out all such things when pregnant. There’s no reason he couldn’t change his ways for the good of the family he helped create.

I don’t get why you decided this was a good person to have a baby with. He’s not going to change.

I couldn’t be with a man who takes drugs. Especially now I’ve got kids - I’d be too worried about him hurting them (or me) whilst off his face or coming down from it, the kids trying some of Daddy’s ‘sugar’, potential od/health concerns from shit drugs, the money spent on it and/or drug debts and repercussions from that.

I’m a pushover people pleaser who believes the best of people, but that would have me packing either his or our shit up and ending things, I’m sorry.

I'm aware it’s easy for me to say that, but awful for you to consider doing. Do you have rl support around you?

I was with a man who took coke years ago. Similar to you in that I knew when I met him that he took it and it was the norm in our social circle at the time. But once we settled down and bought a house together, I thought he'd grow up and it would stop or just be occasionally. It got to the point where I would empty his trousers for the wash and his pockets would be full of wraps. When I calculated how much he was spending a month, it disgusted me even more. I left and never looked back. I was young. This was over 25 years ago.
I was determined I'd never date a coke head again. I met my DH and realised how nice life is supposed to be.
I bet your DP is having even more than you realise. Life isn't supposed to be this way. You could give him an ultimatum, but beware he may say he'll stop, then he doesn't.

You knowingly dated, moved in with, and had a child with, a cocaine addict.

For someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who takes coke, those are some weird choices I have to say.

But it's done now. The only thing you can do is leave. He is an addict OP. He needs to get help, but that's not your responsibility.

The red flags are doing it alone & not being able to go out without it. He's got a problem & it's not compatible with having a family. Give him the ultimatum now, there's no point in waiting cos he's just not going to stop & he needs to make a decision.

Personally - I stepped away from coke cos of having kids & the idea of Pumping money into a trade that results in dead ppl on the path to me having the product was too much. On that basis alone I'd never touch it again, so it's the fallout of it being illegal I'm against, not the drugs per se. If I'd ever been at the point of doing it alone or not being able to socialise without it that would have scared me witless.

(and while everyone is moralising on drug use, most of you drink alcohol & that causes more problems at a societal level than anything else - bar none. So get off your high horses)

It's easy to sit behind a screen and say you'd never have been with him, had a child with him etc etc (which doesn't help this person) but the truth is so many people do, do it and they do it regularly. Lot's of other recreational drugs are also taken on big nights out, clubs, and pubs nowadays. It's so accessible.

Most girlfriends / wife's or partners have absolutely no idea there other halfs do it so unless you really know then you don't.

However, it does sound to me like he may have gained a bit of problem here. He may not have started that way, but it sounds like it is going that way. He's been honest to tell you he does it, but he needs to see that there's a bit of a reliance happening.

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? If you truly don't and this is the hump in the camels back, then maybe you could think about what you want your future to look like with or without him.

Agree with all of this! Would never have a child with anyone who was a regular drug user.

I'd end things. I would also be ragin if he had it in the house with a baby around. That means there could be a bag lying around when your child is a toddler. Mistakes happen and it's way too risky.

Plus if you don't take it on nights out then he must do your head in. There is nothing more tedious than listening to someone on coke.

If he did it very occasionally on a stag do or something, so it had no impact on me, I’d probably be unimpressed but turn a blind eye. If he did it in my presence, or in our home, or on an even semi-regular basis, it would be a dealbreaker. It’s incredibly bad for you, it makes you behave like a twat, and I think middle class people who do it with no regard for the trail of human misery it causes across the world, are disgusting. Absolutely morally bankrupt and worthy of contempt.

I would 100% leave him, for myself and my child.

I’m guessing you’re not happy about it if you’re asking

When I first voiced how I felt about it, he reassured me he would stop. Before nights out he would promise he doesn't have it or wouldn't get it , it always turned out he had it the whole time. I then got to a point where I was like "I don't care anymore just please do not lie to me" I did care but I just wanted the truth also. Since then he's mostly been truthful , but he's just put it like he does it and that's that. I always tell him how I feel. There's more to this story. I was writing it out and deleted it because actually seeing what I wrote has ended it. The more I think about it, I have a duty of care to protect my baby.

My ex did this on his gums and has no teeth left, we've been divorced 15 years and he's been through painful surgery for full mouth implants. Honestly he's an addict. This is extremely problematic behaviour in a family set up. Get NA details for him and explain the seriousness as you see it and how it repulses you, if he can't quit then tell him it's over. Cocaine is a massive problem in the UK and doesn't have the social disapproval of heroin but it's very destructive and after 15-20 years of 'casual' use he'll be a mess, mentally ill, unemployed or dead from a heart attack.

I think if you enter into a relationship with a drug user then you can't really turn round and try and change them. Only they can do that and they have to truly want to. I've seen it happen to several acquaintances over the years; they find a partner who uses then try to change them as soon as they decide they no longer want them to use. They end up giving ultimatums and 9 times out of 10 the drugs will win. I'm sorry you are in this situation but it's not going to end the way you want it to. You and your child will truly be better off without this man as a partner.

On a wider note - a lot of organised crime gangs are grooming and using vulnerable young people (can even be as young as 12) to move drugs around the country. So whenever someone talks about taking or doing drugs that’s what I think about - what child as been abused and exploited for you to sniff some dodgy powder up your nose because you’re bored?

Let's play "I call bs."

Alcohol is legal, taxed and regulated. It isn’t the same.

The drugs trade does so much damage on a much wider scale.

What do you mean?

How to people, who take Cocaine, or who live with people who take Cocaine, turn a blind eye to the misery inflicted in its creation.

People are murdered, tortured and enslaved to produce these drugs, not just adults, but children. How can anyone, look at their own children, and not picture the children who are orphaned, because of the Cocaine trade?

If you take cocaine you are supporting Slavery, Sexual exploitation (adults and children), people trafficking, violence and murder.. and I think you are a moral free disgrace.

The whole industry is steeped in blood … because some bell-ends are so boring, they can’t get through a weekend without sniffing some white powder.

Would I be with someone who took Cocaine .. no .. if their moral compass is that far off, who know what else they think is acceptable.