Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DP takes cocaine?

261 replies

serexcited · 19/02/2024 16:20

If they do, how do you feel? If they don't, how do you think you would feel if they did?

My DP takes coke when he's on a night out / drinking alcohol. I've caught him a few times taking it even when sober. I knew this when I first met him, I didn't mind. A few months into the relationship it made me uncomfortable. Years later, we have a beautiful baby. I find it disgusting. I hate it so much. He says "all of my friends do it, everyone does it nowadays" which where I live is actually true. It makes me sad to be honest. He cannot go on a night out without it. We planned a very last minute outing on Saturday, as my mum offered to watch baby for the night. As soon as I said to him about a night out there he was on his phone texting to get coke. We've had so many arguments about this. I don't want to be in a relationship with a man that takes coke. I don't want my baby's father to take coke. I cannot control him . I've told him already it's coming very soon where I'm going to give him the option of me and baby or coke. It's annoying me now.

when we come home after a night out he lays staring at the ceiling because the coke doesn't allow him to sleep. When the bag is coming to an end, he acts an animal and licks the bag inside out. I REFUSE to kiss him because he puts the coke around his gums and I can literally taste it.

I know this is partly my fault because I knew he took it when I got with him.

AIBU? should I just let him work away and pretend I don't know he has it. How would you feel?

OP posts:
Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon · 19/02/2024 17:21

Absofuckinglutely not.

First whiff of this on meeting him he would have been out the door. The end.

Original poster
serexcited · 19/02/2024 17:23

When I got with DP, I knew he took it , however I didn't know the severity of it. I didn't think it would bother me I didn't think it would be so in my face . It was only when I fell so deeply in love I had concerns and worries. Because I of course worry about him. And now we have our beautiful baby he deserves better. Not what I ever imagined. And for the "why did you get pregnant with this man" it was an extremely unexpected pregnancy. I fell pregnant on contraception. A huge shock , but the best thing that has ever happened to me.

OP posts:
puncheur · 19/02/2024 17:24

@MillshakePickle "(and while everyone is moralising on drug use, most of you drink alcohol & that causes more problems at a societal level than anything else - bar none. So get off your high horses) and this!!!"

Really? I don't remember the last time Carlsberg or Diageo murdered 20 impoverished Mexican villagers in their beds. Nor does the owner of my local off licence seem to be running a gang of knife-wielding thugs to sell his wares. Come to think of it whenever I buy wine direct from the producer in France, I don't see armed guards patrolling the vineyards ready to shoot any peasant who tries to make a break for it.

CatamaranViper · 19/02/2024 17:24

DH used to take it on big nights out in his early 20s.
We met mid 20s and I made it very clear that I did not want to be around drugs at all. I wouldn't be around him when he was taking them either. If he ever did take them around me or I found traces of drugs in my home, I would leave.
He has respected my wishes and has never taken it around me, I've never been with him when he was trying to get any or ever found any evidence of him buying or taking it.

I don't think he has used any in a long time, only because he doesn't really go out like that anymore. All his friends from back then are settled down with kids and don't really go out either. The few who do end up going to the local pub and home by 10/11ish. I would still leave him if I ever found evidence of drugs.

user1471538283 · 19/02/2024 17:24

I've never taken drugs but my ex did occasionally. This was before DC and real life. He wasn't a problem on coke, alcohol was the issue.

But I lived next door to a cokehead and she was insufferable. She would rant and rave all night about nothing.

She also started to try to deal and prostitution to fund her habit. She was completely self absorbed and is now homeless.

I would get rid of him. He sounds like a young kid, he will spend money he doesn't have to pay for it and you've got a real child to raise.

zigazigahhhh · 19/02/2024 17:26

Would be an absolute no for me

FilthyforFirth · 19/02/2024 17:29

Drugs and smoking are a hard no from me. I am agast at having it in the house with a child tbh.

Complete deal breaker. Also agree you need to update your circle. I lived in London for over a decade and no one in my circle took drugs.

MaryShelley1818 · 19/02/2024 17:32

The best thing that ever happened to you....is a shit life for your child with a drug addict for a father. Just absolutely awful.
I would never be in a relationship with a drug user let alone saddle a child with that life.

Pollyannamex · 19/02/2024 17:33

Are you going to leave him OP? This is no life for your child.

Popetthetreehugger · 19/02/2024 17:35

O love , your daughter will think this is fine as dad thinks it’s fine ! You need to think bigger . If everyone is taking it … then move . I’m being serious. I did 35 years ago . I worked my tail off and moved my 3 children to a nice place , much smaller house and garden . We lived in that village for about 28 yrs , until the last one had grown up ( born after ) . It’s too important, your daughters life , literally. Drop the dick head and go . I only moved about 20 miles , last year I got stuck in traffic, so drove threw my old home as a diversion. I was in total shock . I was so upset that it was so bloody awful. The thought that my beautiful children could have accepted that as normal made me sick to my stomach. Before people say it’s everywhere , maybe it is 🤷‍♀️ but if you move , you choose who you mix with and set your boundaries and standards… not easy in a place you’ve always lived . Every good wish

Caerulea · 19/02/2024 17:39

puncheur · 19/02/2024 17:24

@MillshakePickle "(and while everyone is moralising on drug use, most of you drink alcohol & that causes more problems at a societal level than anything else - bar none. So get off your high horses) and this!!!"

Really? I don't remember the last time Carlsberg or Diageo murdered 20 impoverished Mexican villagers in their beds. Nor does the owner of my local off licence seem to be running a gang of knife-wielding thugs to sell his wares. Come to think of it whenever I buy wine direct from the producer in France, I don't see armed guards patrolling the vineyards ready to shoot any peasant who tries to make a break for it.

Give over. The path of alcohol to your door is nice & clean but from there? Just think how nice & legal alcohol is use to groom young ppl. How many car accidents, assaults, rapes, murders it's involved in. How much DV it assists with. Prof David Nutt did some good work on this year's ago.

I'm not anti alcohol or drugs but I cannot bear the hypocrisy

boredybored · 19/02/2024 17:44

I see any drug taking as a complete no . To me it just means he is a loser .
I certainly wouldn't have been in a relationship or had a baby with someone who acts like that but it's obvs too late for that .

5128gap · 19/02/2024 17:51

If that's how he's acting, he's losing control. So it really doesn't matter what other people in your circle or partners of people on here do and are like, only him. You should leave him now while you still have options and something left to lose.

dcsp · 19/02/2024 17:52

puncheur · 19/02/2024 17:24

@MillshakePickle "(and while everyone is moralising on drug use, most of you drink alcohol & that causes more problems at a societal level than anything else - bar none. So get off your high horses) and this!!!"

Really? I don't remember the last time Carlsberg or Diageo murdered 20 impoverished Mexican villagers in their beds. Nor does the owner of my local off licence seem to be running a gang of knife-wielding thugs to sell his wares. Come to think of it whenever I buy wine direct from the producer in France, I don't see armed guards patrolling the vineyards ready to shoot any peasant who tries to make a break for it.

The last time that alcohol producers/distributers did that kind of thing was during prohibition in America. Because the violence is caused by the illegality, not the thing itself.

Some of the problems with coke are intrinsic to the stuff itself (it has a tendency to turn people who use it into arseholes; and it is bad for them, in particular their heart and their mental health), but others result from governments' choices to criminalise it (the violence, etc).

fatphalange · 19/02/2024 18:01

Oof some naïve posts on here. It's not a case of not running in certain circles. The circles I'm thinking of are social workers, police, teachers. Smoking is less common than taking coke these days.

GreyCarpet · 19/02/2024 18:03

I just wouldn't date someone who used coke for long enough for them to become a partner. Its a simple as that. So I'd never be in the position of deciding I'd had enough or what to do about it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/02/2024 18:08

@serexcited well you did know he took used cocaine when you started going out with him and decided to have a baby with him!! did you honestly think he was suddenly going to stop when you fell pregnant????

Newchapterbeckons · 19/02/2024 18:10

Game Over. You have a baby!!

MariaVT65 · 19/02/2024 18:12

I would be throwing my DH out the house and would not allow him to look after my kids while he does drugs of any kind.

RhetoricalQuestion · 19/02/2024 18:23

I didn't mind.
You should have. Now you reap what you sow.

Doteycat · 19/02/2024 18:27

I wldnt have gone on a second date with him if it were me, never mind have a baby.
Not minding is where you fucked up. .
At this stage you need to cut your losses.
How are you going to tell your kids to not do drugs when daddy darling is a coke head.
Time to grow up and get rid.

InSpainTheRain · 19/02/2024 18:28

If DH took coke I'd dump him immediately, even after.25 years. Its a deal breaker for me and it would be the same for him if I took it. .

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/02/2024 18:30

serexcited · 19/02/2024 16:20

If they do, how do you feel? If they don't, how do you think you would feel if they did?

My DP takes coke when he's on a night out / drinking alcohol. I've caught him a few times taking it even when sober. I knew this when I first met him, I didn't mind. A few months into the relationship it made me uncomfortable. Years later, we have a beautiful baby. I find it disgusting. I hate it so much. He says "all of my friends do it, everyone does it nowadays" which where I live is actually true. It makes me sad to be honest. He cannot go on a night out without it. We planned a very last minute outing on Saturday, as my mum offered to watch baby for the night. As soon as I said to him about a night out there he was on his phone texting to get coke. We've had so many arguments about this. I don't want to be in a relationship with a man that takes coke. I don't want my baby's father to take coke. I cannot control him . I've told him already it's coming very soon where I'm going to give him the option of me and baby or coke. It's annoying me now.

when we come home after a night out he lays staring at the ceiling because the coke doesn't allow him to sleep. When the bag is coming to an end, he acts an animal and licks the bag inside out. I REFUSE to kiss him because he puts the coke around his gums and I can literally taste it.

I know this is partly my fault because I knew he took it when I got with him.

AIBU? should I just let him work away and pretend I don't know he has it. How would you feel?

Honestly, he would not be my DP/DH any more. This kind of shit would make me lose all interest immediately.

What other people would feel or do is irrelevant though. It doesn't matter. What matters in your situation right now is how you feel and what you're going to do.

Zanatdy · 19/02/2024 18:31

Deal breaker for me, even without children I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who took drugs. But when you’ve got a child, absolutely not. It would be over for me

Shitlord · 19/02/2024 18:33

I'm not reading the whole thing but he wouldn't be my P from the minute I found out.

I don't want an illegal drug user scuttering about meeting dealers, cocaine has cardiac risks and hugely- massive ethical problems that I require a partner to actually care about enough not to buy into the industry.

Swipe left for the next trending thread