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AIBU?

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Original poster

Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

269 replies

Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:12

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

OP posts:
InsidiousRasperry · 18/02/2024 14:14

Yes it’s so common and it’s rubbish!

I just ask straight up now, I’m too old for fannying about second guessing.

NewName24 · 18/02/2024 14:14

"Men" don't.

You are talking about one individual.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:14

Oh yeah and I went away for a trip. He asked me to send him the pictures, saying he really wants to see x place, then I sent them and he never looked at them, then claimed he'd been too 'busy' to look at them. Like he's a massive liar.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:15

Yeah of course not all men but I've had this a couple of times. However this was from men in their early 20s when I was much younger. Thought a 31 year old might know better but I was wrong. In any case I am a more direct person but it's the last time I'll be trying to initiate with a guy. I'm really embarrassed

OP posts:
InternetSloth · 18/02/2024 14:19

Honestly the truth of it is that men/boys do this with women when they simply aren't that interested. When it's the right person, their communication skills are just fine. I wish I could of just understood this when I was younger and not spent so much time agonising over guys that just weren't that into me.

LoobyDop · 18/02/2024 14:21

I think Bridget Jones used to refer to this as emotional fuckwittage. It’s underpinned by the belief that any woman who displays any interest whatsoever is a scheming, desperate harpy determined to get her claws into his sperm/pension/whatever, and won’t be satisfied until she has sucked dry every enjoyable thing in his life.

It’s pathetic.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:21

InternetSloth · 18/02/2024 14:19

Honestly the truth of it is that men/boys do this with women when they simply aren't that interested. When it's the right person, their communication skills are just fine. I wish I could of just understood this when I was younger and not spent so much time agonising over guys that just weren't that into me.

You're right. 'boys' is definitely the key here! If they aren't interested it's absolutely fine, but the slow fade is so pathetic and obvious. As I say if it were some random stranger I'd met once I might have understood slightly more but this was someone I was going to bump into again. The array of excuses is pathetic, I need to stop letting him make me feel like I did something wrong by suggesting a date.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:23

LoobyDop · 18/02/2024 14:21

I think Bridget Jones used to refer to this as emotional fuckwittage. It’s underpinned by the belief that any woman who displays any interest whatsoever is a scheming, desperate harpy determined to get her claws into his sperm/pension/whatever, and won’t be satisfied until she has sucked dry every enjoyable thing in his life.

It’s pathetic.

It really is pathetic! It's how the entire tone of the messages changed as soon as I sent that text. I genuinely thought I must have inadvertently upset him without realising.. he made me feel pretty bad tbh.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2024 14:23

InternetSloth · 18/02/2024 14:19

Honestly the truth of it is that men/boys do this with women when they simply aren't that interested. When it's the right person, their communication skills are just fine. I wish I could of just understood this when I was younger and not spent so much time agonising over guys that just weren't that into me.

Brutal but true.

If he was interested, he wouldn’t do that.

Mumsanetta · 18/02/2024 14:24

His actions are telling you exactly how he feels about you. Pay attention and listen to him. He’s just not that into you.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:25

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2024 14:23

Brutal but true.

If he was interested, he wouldn’t do that.

Show quote history

Yes exactly. It's fine if he's not interested, it's the lying I can't stand. Coming out with 5000 excuses. Then texting me again the next day asking to meet. In any case I've properly lost interest in him now for being such a wet lettuce.

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 18/02/2024 14:25

Some men do it to play games and make the woman feel on edge and to feel like he has the upper hand. Pathetic.

AnnieBuddyHere · 18/02/2024 14:25

Was the date the first time you'd actually met?

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:26

Mumsanetta · 18/02/2024 14:24

His actions are telling you exactly how he feels about you. Pay attention and listen to him. He’s just not that into you.

Yep exactly, that's why I've luckily binned him off now. He's perfectly entitled to not be interested and I'm glad I distanced myself, I just find this behaviour so cringy and he really made me feel in the wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:26

AnnieBuddyHere · 18/02/2024 14:25

Was the date the first time you'd actually met?

No, I've known him through a friend since around November. And I see him around still, if he were some online date I'd met once I'd have probably just deleted the number.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:28

I've had people before who were incredibly OTT, I mean texting me every 10 minutes and getting annoyed at me not texting back after 10, negging me, all sorts. I literally did nothing except suggest a cool meetup. But I will not do it again I'm sure of that..

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 18/02/2024 14:28

So you ignored him for 4 days and are wondering why his responses were cold?

Sounds like he isn't the only one that is playing games.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:29

FrippEnos · 18/02/2024 14:28

So you ignored him for 4 days and are wondering why his responses were cold?

Sounds like he isn't the only one that is playing games.

I didn't ignore him for 4 days, he didn't seek to continue the convo and his replies were cold so I decided to leave it for a bit.

OP posts:
lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/02/2024 14:30

When he showed he wasn't interested the first time, why did you ask him if everything was okay and start texting him again? Confused

FrippEnos · 18/02/2024 14:31

Either way, it sounds like neither of you were particularly interested.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:33

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 18/02/2024 14:30

When he showed he wasn't interested the first time, why did you ask him if everything was okay and start texting him again? Confused

Because he didn't say he wasn't interested the first time, he made out that he really wanted to see me again but just had a really busy week, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. However I know now it was an excuse and wished I hadn't bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:34

FrippEnos · 18/02/2024 14:31

Either way, it sounds like neither of you were particularly interested.

Oh no I definitely was, I worried I'd come on too strong because that's how he made me feel. But I see now it wasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:35

Anyway the thread is more with the intention of despairing at these sorts of people who think we're really stupid.

OP posts:
Alchemistress · 18/02/2024 14:39

This is going to sound harsh but I imagine I've got at least a couple of decades on the planet on you.

Read your OP back to yourself.

Does it sound reasonable? ( hint: he sounds like a fuckwit)

Block, move on.

You will feel so much better.

Original poster
Vanillachocolatestrawberry · 18/02/2024 14:42

Alchemistress · 18/02/2024 14:39

This is going to sound harsh but I imagine I've got at least a couple of decades on the planet on you.

Read your OP back to yourself.

Does it sound reasonable? ( hint: he sounds like a fuckwit)

Block, move on.

You will feel so much better.

You're right, he is. I'll see him around still so I'd like to keep it civil, but I've already distanced myself/stopped talking which is great.

OP posts: