Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

You live and learn. Bet he'll be back when he's feeling lonely and wanting some attention.

He's not for you. If he was interested in you he would have been delighted if you'd suggested meeting again.

There are other, better men out there. You did nothing wrong. I hope you find someone lovely.

Thanks for your kind response :)
Looking back it's true. Unless I did something crazy like send million texts declaring my love (definitely didn't!) Then an interested men would've been really pleased id shown interest.
Only some Andrew Tate-esque man would've thought 'right, a woman asked me out, definitely gone off her now for good.'

This.

Also all people do this, women definitely do! They feel awkward because they realise they’re not that into someone and try to back out slowly without hurting any feelings. Even if you wouldn’t particularly care, it’s still human nature to want to avoid awkwardness and just being blunt.

maybe he was sending you signs before which you missed - you say this has happened a few times before too. Perhaps you’re missing some signals.

I’m sorry but it was obvious that he wasn’t interested in pursuing things further when the tone of his replies ‘instantly changed’. I would have dropped it there ahd out my energy into something more rewarding!

Maybe he was, but prior to this first meetup he texted constantly. I just thought maybe I'd said something rude or upset him without realising, because I couldn't understand why the messages went cold so suddenly.
Anyway I get where he's coming from.

Yes I can see that now for sure. It was just that he came out with such an array of excuses, but he probably just panicked. Then came back when I cooled off which is why I thought game player a little. Anyway I'm glad it's all passed now.

I wouldn't say everyone does it, I definitely wouldn't now, I'd just say it upfront but in a polite way.

I completely agree and I hope MN will alter the title

Sounds like a subtle form of negging to me. Blowing hot and cold is often used by manipulative people to disorientate someone they want to control and get them craving their positive attention. Whether it's actually this or he's just a weirdo, avoid. You don't need this sort of annoying bullshit in your life

I'm slightly guilty of doing this - and it's because I can't really be bothered.

It's also why I am not dating right now. I realised I couldn't be bothered!

OP - this is really really common in OLD. For some reason, OLD is full of avoidant types (probably because most of the secure, normal ones are already in decent relationships).

I would say that a big part of having the balls to ask a man out is being able to take it on the chin when he awkwardly signals he isn't interested. Can you imagine if a man responded to your no like this? Big girl pants on, onwards and upwards

I wasn't even bothered about the slow fade so much, it was more the array of daft excuses. But he probably panicked on the spot.

This. No need to insist or second guessing him, if he is not replying just let it be.

When they are interested they find a way to stay in touch. If they are not that interested to start with, better to release them back into the wild straight away… otherwise they start complaining that you are crazy about them and trying to hard to get them against their will, even if the only crazy thing you did was to ask them what was wrong after they fell silent.

I have taken it on the chin. He didn't say no initially, he made it sound like he wanted to but couldn't do that week. So I didn't ask again, but next time I spoke to him he was cold. I didn't take that as a 'dont ever talk to me again', since he was someone I already knew.

Yes he sounds like a total nob but why did you keep messaging and asking him out? I think you’ve let yourself be mugged off by him when you could have got out of it all with self respect in tact.

I didn't ask him out again after that time. He asked me the week later and got back in touch.

Yes I definitely see that now and I've learned from it. It was also because it was someone I thought was a mate and I thought maybe something else was up. Anyway I didn't ask him again after that time he went cold, but he ended up asking me a week later.

I don't think it's helping me to post any more on this thread because it's just making me feel ashamed and like I'm crazy or something.

I posted a similar thread the other day and I just had to leave it for the same reasons.

Honestly I would guess most of MN have not had the joys of modern dating so just don’t get it. The amount of responses you’ve had defending the guy and dragging you down is bonkers. Please don’t take it to heart.

Thank you for understanding, I'm really sorry to hear you had the same experience.

So many people keen to somehow make out you did something wrong here OP. He'd given you some mixed signals and you gave him the benefit of the doubt and then realised he was just being an idiot and distanced yourself. Nothing wrong with that, just don't start second guessing yourself.

Don't be surprised - as other have said - if he suddenly starts showing an interest again at some point when he's at a loose end and wants a bit of female attention. Just tell him you think you're better just as friends - something he could easily have done himself if that was what he wanted. I don't think he wanted that at all though - he just wants someone to give him attention when he fancies it, not a genuine friendship.

Thank you :)

I don't think either of you is right or wrong.

I think he just isn't super-attracted to you (as a friend or date) but you are to him which is why you're feeling quite intensely about things.

I think he genuinely is quite "neutral" towards you..maybe he sees you as a group mate or someone who has been enjoyable to chat to or text, but not someone he wants to prioritise. He's probably not thinking that much about you.

(I mean us Mumsnetters share very personal chatty conversations - I don't think any of us want another Mumsnetter then insisting we meet!)

Also, if you're starting conversations about "whether or not you've done something to offend him" it does come across as a bit pushy and intense?

I was a slow social starter for a few reasons, and I used to take things fairly literally.

But often people make light chat, have good one-off conversations but don't really want to follow up?

Like I've had a couple of good work interactions, maybe had some enjoyable light social chat. Nice to be nice.

But I genuinely walk out that day and wouldn't care if I never saw that person again.

But then the men (it's ALWAYS men, so I assume its a pseudo romantic thing) start thinking as we've had those brief conversations I am now THEIR PERSON and they want to escalate things.

And I make excuses as I don't want to say "look, I don't really actually want to make 1-1 time for you as I think you're going to take things too seriously

Or they come up with spurious "suggestions for joint hobbies" or "ask for random advice" just to force an interaction and its a bit OTT. Especially as I'm not attracted to them so don't want them getting the wrong idea or gossip starting.

I agree he could be a bit more mindful about not giving you false hope, but maybe he doesn't know how "super-keen" you are so just sees you as a chat buddy?

He should have said so, then. I can't stand this kind of nonsense. It only happened to me once, when I was in my early twenties (I never usually pursue men as I am quite old fashioned and expect them to do the chasing) and it put me off ever putting effort into dating a man. I hate to say it, but this is why women on the whole do not ask men out. It is childish and it is regressive, but I think that if you have to ask him, he isn't interested (although it is very bad of him to be sending mixed signals) I would bin him, OP. He isn't worth your time.