Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

Wrong thread @purplehotdogs ?

I don’t think there was money involved in this story?

Oh op we have all been there. Stop wasting time and energy wondering anything about him and his behaviour. Stop feeling shame and anxiety.

I don't think his behaviour sounds out of the ordinary - you went out, it didn't quite work out for him he was a bit hot and cold - but you seem to have huge negative emotions attached to the rejection.

Could you have some therapy? It sounds like you have low self confidence and you are attaching too much meaning to his behaviour - its not anything wrong with you !

I won't be posting on here again, but thanks for all the help. Quite a few posters have minimised, not read the full thread and so on. I don't need therapy, and I'm not ruminating just because one date didn't work out, that's not what the thread is.

I never really did a lot of dating, and I've been with DH that long that texting was barely a thing when we met. But one thing I liked was that there was just none of this game playing I'd read about in magazines and he just told me how he felt about me. Just couldn't be arsed with game playing, and if they aren't that into you then they are not worth it.

Good point. I believe nowadays with the advent of technology, phones and OLD playing games gets multiplied by 200. instant gratification. Pre internet in order to reach someone you would need to call his home line, talk with his mom, drive to the next town, get introduced to his friends who would be curious about you, they would sometimes become your friends. You had references of the guy you were going on a date, he was probably your friends cousin, his family was known on the area. There was no emojis, no messages, no checking if “he’s been logged on wassap”, games were so much difficult to play. I miss those days …

Listen to Shera 7 on YouTube or tik tok. Her advice will definitely help you recover from feelings about this situation and move on. Sprinkle
sprinkle

You probably shouldn’t have texted after the first ‘date.’ Sometimes The Rules still apply 😊. Also, you should have simply bought another charger instead of contacting him about it. Looks too interested.
However, he does sound a bit of a twat 🤣
Good luck 🌺

Really? So a guy would honestly not have any further interest in a woman because she was the one to text? Honestly if that's what it was then I've got massive ick just from that. I could understand if I'd sent him 6 million texts right after but if he decides I'm not worth dating because I was the one to text (when he was the last one to text me prior to that) then 🤢🤢 is this really what dating is?

Yeah, my abusive ex. This is his pattern with women.
One word- AVOID.

I sympathise. That happens on MN. People seem determined to put their own slant on OP’s posts. You sound level headed and sensible tbh. 🌺

Now I've just been told I probably ruined the entire thing because I texted him afterwards first 🤔
Honestly if he had been interested, he would've been happy that I texted him, surely? It just feels very Andrew Tate.

Nope. I said ‘ sometimes The Rules still apply’ whether we like it or not or approve or disapprove. Some men are still like this. Of course you’d get the ‘massive ick’.. so would I . The man in OP sounds an idiot.

It's not about following The Rules to get a husband. Just as much, it's to protect yourself from getting usrd and hurt by half-hearted men who would shrug and say "you chased me"

follow the rules" to avoid situations where half-hearted men don't need to clarify their feelings or intentions. So maybe you can suggest the first date?? But then, after the first date, let him decide if he wants a second. Be certain he wants it and isn't just shrugging "ok so".

You have to protect yourself from a second date that he might enjoy, but never sought out. Definitely absolutely protect yourself from making a third date too easy.

The rules were it all about getting married , but even to protect your heart, they're useful.

If a man is 50:50 about a 3rd date with you, but knows you are keener and you might sleep with him, all but those men with the best character will go on that date. :-(
Very few Mr D'Arcys out there.

My friend was telling me to let a man do all the running, then told me she slept with the man on fhe first date.. so I'm like well how's that playing it cool 🤔

In every peer-to-peer relationship - friend, lover, boyfriend, husband - just ask the simple question: Does this person value and appreciate me? If the answer is no, you're making bad choices.

Honestly I've really learned my lesson now. I'm not feeling that I 'put him off' because he was never into it in the first place. However hopefully people can understand that sometimes others can be really convincing. He was making a lot of noise about how he tends to withdraw a bit sometimes as he's had stuff going on, talked about problems with family etc.
So I actually felt guilty and I believed it. Then he started texting me again the next day and asked to meet up, so I had no reason to believe it was excuses.

I agree, it's hard to always know for certain "is that reasonable? Is that bullshit?".

But I think a guy who's keen on you will be thinking about you!! Even if it's only "another date would be good" so I don't think a man who's keen on you and thinking about you goes out of his way to say "I'm going to be busy* . That means "don't expect to hear from me". Is that the message aman who's keen on you wants to send?? He would find a couple of minutes to text!

Ps, you don't have to say it but always have in your head "mixed messages are not for me". I fell for all the bull shit when I was young :-/

I’ve had this very confusing treatment by a couple of men in my past and it was so difficult to understand as the excuses and the love bombing then withdrawing was quite extreme. I wish I had stopped both of them earlier than I did. To this day I don’t understand anything more than that. I think there is some mild form of sadism going on and Masochism was not a behavior I fancied. Basically when a man is smitten you can behave any way you want it will be seen as fantastic and when they aren’t there is no way to behave to make them more interested, they get frightened, confused etc so they had their chance and blew it. Cut out quick. It’s a waste of your precious time and keep your dignity intact

I've starred to realise it's a sign of immaturity. People can say 'oh it's kinder than saying you're not interested ' but either way, you're still putting the same message across, whether you say it or not.

They're not even trying to be kind.
What they trying not to do is to make it obvious that you should not sleep with them.

100% 😂

He is a dickhead. I suspect you haven't met the real bad side of him yet.

Bloke here. Have you ever considered he likes you as a friend but that there is no spark. As he clearly values your friendship he wants to be on good terms. I have a good female friend who wanted more but now accepts that friendship was the better option for us. I'm going to her wedding in the summer.

Totally! Lucky escape for sure. I was telling another friend of mine today about what happened to me and she said she knows plenty of women who would put up with behaviour like this and just carry on chasing!

I was really shocked and I was thinking is this why the men think it's OK?