Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

That's absolutely fine if it is, but why not just say?

Some blokes don’t want to say they aren’t interested because 1) they want you as an option/sex potential while still seeing other women 2) they want to act friendly especially if you have mutual friends/might bump into each other 3) are too wimpy to say the truth.
The best indication is they aren’t asking you out again.

Bloke here. Have you ever considered he likes you as a friend but that there is no spark. As he clearly values your friendship he wants to be on good terms. I have a good female friend who wanted more but now accepts that friendship was the better option for us. I'm going to her wedding in the summer

Then why not just say that? Far better than messing someone around by going cold on them and then trying to strike up a conversation again and then asking to meet up. All the women I know (including myself) have had to friend zone men on many occasions, it's never a nice thing to have to do but at least it's being honest about your intentions.

Or don't want to hurt the woman's feelings.

The thing is the outcome is exactly the same. Slow fade/excuses etc. The woman will sooner or later twig. It will just take longer.

Also the assumption that the woman will be absolutely heartbroken if they don't want a second date. Most likely they really won't.

As Christina Hendrinks character in Mad men Betty says

“Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate”

This is so true even when ending relationships they are cowards

But they hurt them more by playing games instead of growing some balls and being honest. Most of us are reasonable adults with the maturity to handle being rejected.

Or is it that men think they are such a catch the women will be utterly devastated to be told the truth, that this wonderful specimen of a man doesn’t feel a spark 😨 however will she cope 😂. Sure, some might take it badly but in no universe is it better to string someone along.

In my experience women do this more than men.

To me it seems a bit egotistical to ‘’not want to hurt someone’s feelings’’ as that indicates that you think you’re special enough that she won’t handle being told the truth. She’ll get over it, believe me 😂. Someone else’s behaviour is their own responsibility. He was obviously enjoying the ego boost by stringing her along and continuing to text her when he wasn’t interested in taking it further. Waste of time and immature. How does delaying it benefit anyone but him? As he keeps getting attention without commitment.

Have you never been in two minds whether to date someone or remain friends? I would say that this happens often.

No, if I’m in two minds that is usually a no and I’m upfront with them, I don’t keep it going when I know I’m not feeling it. I don’t tend to like rushing into things anyway, my relationships have tended to grow from friendships

OLD has changed the dynamics now where game playing and wishy washy behaviour are common. I know OP didn’t meet him online but I can bet he probably used the apps which gives the illusion of too much choice and people always wanting more and better.

Therein lies part of the problem. Being friends has muddied things. Remain friends or chance a romance and lose the friendship. With online dating the expectation of starting a relationship is clear, friends being the runner up prize. 😀

Yes, and OLD means people don’t appreciate what they have because people are disposable. There’s someone else a swipe away and everything is so rushed instead of getting to know a person properly and appreciating people for who they are. Kind of sad, really, but hey ho it’s 2024, people are forever messing people about. I have a theory that’s why so many people are single these days 🤣

Believe the actions not the words. I think most men will lie if it is easier. Never in my life a man admitted not to be interested. It was always excuses until I got fedup and dropped them.
And he probably enjoys keeping you interested as an ego boost hence the fake enthusiasm.

Someone earlier mentioned the rules. The pros imo are

1. Firm boundaries, will help sort the wheat from the chaff.
2. Prevents your time being wasted on types like this.

Cons
A bit dated haven't read the rules for online dating
Some consider it manipulative. (Though the majority of commentators where male!)

Interesting point it stated that "men do the rules naturally" my take on that is they are less accommodating than women (less likely to be people pleasers on the whole)

As others have said watch out for the crumb to be thrown your way. Definitely in the bin he goes - even as a mate there would be potentially be an unequal dynamic anyway. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that !

@twinklystar23 I agree. I know "the rules" are a bit dated and cringey but really, they do make a lot of sense. Its about not waiting around for someone to make time for you, keeping your own interests and not changing your plans just because a man suddenly decides to grace you with his presence, not putting up with wishy washy behaviour, keeping your options open and not fretting or ruminating over what he thinks of you because what you think of him is far more important. I don't agree with everything the rules says but these are absolutely sound pieces of advice.

We all have a responsibility to make girls aware that if a guy behaves anything other than interested or plays games he needs to be put in the bin.

I echo other comments on here that I wish I had realised this earlier on in life (and I say that as a woman who has generally always had her shit together). Once I met my DH it was extremely refreshing not to have to play stupid bloody childish games and made me regret wasting time on people that did!

That's the thing @sassyclassyandsmartassy I didn't realise men my age still want to play games. I'll be 47 this year and have no time for that!