Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

Of course she can that's not the point!
The point is having firm boundaries in place so that when these type of men communicate poorly or don't communicate Op just leaves it , message received rather than " what did I do wrong"
Why, why, why?
Blaming yourself for his behaviour is not healthy or helpful
Look up the Shark Cage Op
will help you spot them 🦈
Obviously not helping so I will leave it.
All the best

Don’t beat yourself up. It took me a really long time and lots of heartache to realise it too! You’ll meet someone who won’t make
you second guess yourself and the wait will be worth it!

Thank you, I hope so :)

Exactly that! The thing is it makes me feel like I was in the wrong for showing interest and that I should've been very cool. But is that really what I need?!

No, it's definitely not! Suggesting a second meet up is hardly getting down on bended knee! Don't change yourself, the way you communicate will be just fine for the right person.

Thank you :) i could understand if I'd texted him saying 'I love you and want to be with you' or something as you say but yeah, I literally suggested the meetup, when he gave me the work excuse I took him at his word and didn't ask him about it again, it's just my fault for believing it.

He's just got multiple women on the go and he's picking and choosing between them as he likes so is hot and cold depending. Pretty standard. He's not really into any of you, but he likes certain aspects of all of you. It's nothing personal or anything you've done, but if you want a serious relationship it's not him.

Honestly, I don't think it's this, he still lives with his parents and he told me he hadn't dated a girl since he was 23.

But they mostly do. Treat them the same.😊

ugh, instant ick to be still living with parents in your 30s and have not dated in a decade. huge red flags.

Yeah, maybe! Well I think it's about 7 ISH years. The living at home is to save for a house, but he's also lived there for 7 years too apparently.

The thing that used to piss me off back when I was single and dating was the rubbish ghosted let down - the excuses etc like you say, taking ages to respond etc. I used to think 'mate, do you think you're god's gift or something and I will be utterly heartbroken that you're just not that into me? Get real. I'm a grown woman and if you're not that into me and just want to leave it there that's completely a-ok, who said I was that into you?!'. The arrogance and of it....

Exactly, who tf do they think they are, they think we'll melt if we don't date them 😂

he will still be there after they've died.

😂😂

a sorta friend like this, prefers talking in person yet regular checks their phone, messages people when it suits them, but you make the effort and its like zzzz then its excuses that they dont like texts et but only with very close people so then it seems im basically a tool to them for them to use when they are intrested in me or have a use of my skills etc

The reason he makes you feel in the wrong OP is because that is what he wants. As you now know, he is not really interested but maintained a front of being so for some reason (to be the good guy?), but then backs off when you respond. So he can tell himself that it was you who ended it. Better for him than to confront his own avoidant, commitment phobe personality. Play really cool and politely offhand when you run into him.

Yes but it’s so confusing these days on both sides when there’s blurred lines (as Robin Thicke would say). There are those of us who are black and white and like straight talk and there are those of us who see things in shades of grey and don’t do straight talk.

OP I think does have boundaries but are like most of us when trying to date in a bee meeting, she’s not sure what’s right or wrong behaviour.

I agree she should not blame herself for his behaviour though!

In fact OP your text exchange has now given me an incentive to bin off a man like this who’s been messaging me for a year! Yes, a year!

So thanks for that.

Oh hell no. He will never move out. Probably too used to having a personal chef and laundry service to change this.

I have dated a few like this over the years. Long, long ago now (been married 10 and together 7 before that).
It always made me feel like shit being strung along. Like if you don't want to see my any more, just tell me! Don't blow hot/cold and give out mixed messages.
I wish I could go back and tell younger me to just walk away, I was a bit too naive at times.
Some men are cowards and do anything rather than just say plainly how they feel. When actually 9/10 it would probably be better to just come out and say it (I'm sure there are some women who don't take it well but I suspect they are in the minority).

I feel like an idiot tbh. I honestly wish I'd gone cold on him the minute he did on me, but his 'reasons' were convincing looking back.

No, they weren't. It was obvious he wasn't keen but didn't have the balls to say so. You should have picked up on that sooner, but we live and (hopefully) learn, so make a clear mental note of what happened here, and remember it for the future.

Oh no I mean the reason for the 2nd meetup, he was like yeah I really want to, just a bit snowed under this week.
I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for that, but I shouldn't have.

I sort of, kill me now had a best male platonic friend who kind of acted like this. Yes we got on as friends very very well but I wasted 7 fertile years of my life hanging out with him and another close male platonic friend who would critique and of course keep away any potential male suitors as when we were out at bars the men assumed I was dating one of these two!

If I’d had the balls and confidence to ditch the first platonic friendship I’d probably be married with kids by now.

The thing is, to someone straightforward, those 'reasons' are plausible. I think it's up to the individual if they give them the benefit of the doubt or cut off immediately, but what's key is to cut them off if it happens again.

he will still be there after they've died.
That's probably his end game to be fair. Why move put when you can just patiently wait for your parents to die? 🤣

The living at home and lack of recent dating history sounds to me like someone who likes the idea of dating but backs off once there's a potential for it to become real. Could be due to a bad experience or just immaturity. Who knows - not our job as women to solve or try to fix.

Yes exactly. When I asked him about meeting a second time and he said he'd love to but that week was really hectic so he'd let me know asap, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I really shouldn't have done as it turns out that was BS. Next time if I don't get a concrete date in return, I'll bin immediately.
Yes that's it, I don't think there's any reason for him to have been single for 7 years. He (seemed) to have a good personality and is ok looking. Maybe just chickens out, his problem anyway.