Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

I do understand why you say that, but he used to message me all the time and say 'talk to you tomorrow ' and stuff, and he also suggested meeting so he was at least interested as a friend. Anyway it's done and dusted now :)

Absolutely. In any case I'm really put off asking again to anyone!

Men are poo!

So it wasn't a date, it was a ' meet up '

for sex ?

Ohh no, nothing like that 😂 only in public places

Urgh, what an immature fuckwit.

I feel so sorry for this generation of women that has this pathetic dating pool to choose from.
Men in their thirties that can't do basic DIY/have basic manners/stuck in extended adolescence.
I blame social media and I blame porn and I blame shit parenting/society.
I am not pulling the 'all men' argument, but there are enough of them for it to be a real thing.

As soon as I have my eye on someone else I'll be fine 😂

Never go chasing a man. If they like you, they will do the chasing. If they don’t, they won’t.

Absolutely realised that now :) in this instance he'd told me the day before he wanted to meet up again, so I thought I'd be brave and suggest something fun. But never again!

Umm I meant you started a thread and you are going over it all instead of reading the room and leaving it alone
All the drama over it
Just put it behind you

He's an avoidant personality. If you act uninterested her will approach. If you show any keeness then he will run

Exactly that! The thing is it makes me feel like I was in the wrong for showing interest and that I should've been very cool. But is that really what I need?!

Google intermittent reinforcement in dating- it will describe why the hot and cold behaviour reels you in and affects you emotionally so much.

Its a complete and utter head fuck and its basically a form of game playing whereby by doing the hot/cold cycle over and over again causes you to fixate on them so much.

Agree with others- he's an utter fuckwit and you are better off without him. It doesnt matter what his reasons are- he's a dick and you should not have asked him what you did to offend him as his behaviour is entirely his own responsibility and down to his own emotional immaturity- its nothing to do with you.

"I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt."

Why did you do this? Wasn't it his turn to text back at this point?

That's it, it's weird isn't it. I was honestly less fussed prior to that as he had seemed very keen, it was the sudden change that confused/upset. At least I've distanced myself.

You know what? I agree with half the comments here and the other half I don’t agree with.

I’ve been internet dating on and off since the heady days when it first started, back in 2012/13? And nothing much has changed since then. It’s got worse but as a pp said there are so many men out there who aren’t worth the paper they’re written on, yet there are some good guys. I’ve just dated one for a year. But I do think so many men are either game players, see women as predators or have bad family experiences with divorce so think all women are after their money or don’t want to share it (going Dutch or shock horror treating a women). Pre 2012 I actually had my best male platonic friend and my DB advised me that men should treat the woman at least during the first 3 months of dating (you could buy coffees or snacks at the cinema) and not expect anything in return, it was just old fashioned gentlemanly behaviour. MN is now up in arms at that and it has to be Dutch from the first date!

But I think men nowadays and women have lost the art of chatting and manners.

I wouldn’t give him the time of day now even when you see him out and about. He knows he’s been a dick.

This right here. 20 year old me couldn’t understand what I kept doing to push guys away. Whatever it was, it didn’t bother my now husband at all! When someone is really into you - there isn’t much you can do to put them off (bar major red flags of course)

That's it, it's weird isn't it. I was honestly less fussed prior to that as he had seemed very keen, it was the sudden change that confused/upset. At least I've distanced myself

Yup- the term comes from an experiment with rats whereby they pressed a lever to get a treat. When they pressed the lever and always got a treat, the rats regularly went up and pressed the lever but didnt become obsessed with it. When pressing the lever did not result in a treat they learned to ignore it.

HOWEVER, when the treat was completely random (eg sometimes the lever yielded a treat and other times it did not) the rats became absolutely obsessed with the lever and couldn't focus on anything else. It's a bit like gambling really- sometimes you win, sometimes you don't so you then become obsessed with continually trying to get a "reward". It's a known psychological phenomenon and because it doesnt make any sense (because sometimes it works, other times it doesnt) you cant stop trying it and the reward becomes more and more desirable.

It’s not just men that do this it’s ‘people’, generally people are scared of telling someone they are not interested or didn’t feel a connection because no one likes to let a person down or make them feel shit about themselves. I have had it done to me and I have sadly done it to others, because I’m a people pleaser and I don’t want to tell someone that I didn’t enjoy going out with them…..or that I found them boring 😬

sad
y when your dating it’s just part of it. It’s crap but you learn to just move on.

OP can do whatever she wants including here. She doesn’t have to justify herself to us at all.

Nothing wrong in thrashing this out in a safe space either.

I see that now for sure :)
Like once I went on a date that I wasn't into so I didn't stay that long. My phone died on the way home, it had taken me an hour to get back and when I turned on my phone I had 8 texts from him in 30 minutes which had become quite abusive.
Something like that is a bit much!

Yes I can imagine if I’d been doing that even my lovely husband would have run a mile! However the keen texting as soon as we’ve parted company etc which others may see as needy and clingy was absolutely normal in our relationship very quickly.

Yes you're right! If you're both keen it will just work. I wish I had seen that and dropped him as soon as he went funny on me.

Why do men think we're idiots?

Because sadly, many of us will put up with an inordinate amount of crap from them.