Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

I'm not sure he thinks you're stupid.

I think he wanted you to be smart enough to understand:

He's not interested in dating you
He doesn't want you getting attached
He doesn't mind being mates
He wouldn't mind a hookup

So I sort of feel your own internal narrative and interpretations have meant this hit you harder than it should.

I don't really see as how hes done anything wrong. And neither have you.

I’d delete his number. Even if he is in your social circle and you’ll bump into him again, it’s okay to not have his number.

He lied to me several times rather than just being upfront. Yeah it can be argued he's done nothing wrong but the whole behaviour I just find cringy and childish. Going cold on me was not the way forward.

I don't see in any way that he would've wanted a hookup, but in any case I don't want one. I wouldn't have minded being mates but this has just put me off him as a friend even.

Um ….. here is a thought!! He met a women who became a friendly with. Friends. He enjoyed company, texting her etc and met up. She then decided that she wanted more and asked him out just after they’d met up as friends. He’s really embarrassed because he liked her as a friend and didn’t expect anything else (because despite what MN think, lots of men meet women and like then just as friends). He didn’t really know to do without being unkind and was still a bit unsure If he was reading it right. So he cooled off a bit hoping she’d get the message. She seemed to (or maybe he got it wrong) so he resumes the friendship. It becomes clear that she is interested in more and gets offended by stuff that wouldn’t bother friends at all (photos)
so backs off again.

TLDR: he was happy to be friends. You changed that. He’s not interested but was a bit embarrassed/ wanted to avoid embarrassing so backed off. You didn’t get the hint

The thing is it takes literally 30 seconds for him to send a message saying he’s not interested.

It’s so rude.

That's fair enough but why does it have to be about getting hints, why not just use his words. It would take 10 seconds. It's not the point, I don't mind at all if he or someone else isn't interested, it's making up a ton of lies like he was ill/his goldfish died etc. It's just off putting.

You absolutely did the right thing in binning him off. Learn from this experience though, and next time don't wait so long!

It's kinda sad that so many people seem to be in support of making excuses etc. it wasn't just some random stranger I'd met once either. Honestly after he made his 'hints' about why he'd gone cold, I backed off, then he started texting again/wanting to meet up. I messaged just mundane stuff after that, I didnt 'ask him out' again or anything. And it's me who's backed off now, not him.

I feel like an idiot tbh. I honestly wish I'd gone cold on him the minute he did on me, but his 'reasons' were convincing looking back. He was insisting he hadn't meant to avoid me but that it had just been utter chaos on him and how he wasn't the sort of person to just avoid someone like that. I was stupid to believe it tbh but as I said he started texting again so I gave him the benefit of the doubt

We don't know the context of how you met, how and on what basis you came to be texting each other or what it meant to each of you. Men don't think we are idiots. Well...they might but in this case the way it looks to me is that he doesn't think you are an idiot. He thinks you are interested- and he doesn't want you to be - and he thinks you are persistent.

When he went cold, that was the initial cue. After the first bout, when it got a bit mixed up and awkward and he made excuses and resumed texting perhaps to cover himself or to put it back on a more non-committal footing, you didn't have the margin for texting him about a charger after the second, without having him think you were still interested and were persisting. It happens that way sometimes when things don't harmonise.

It's because he was someone I knew/I still see around. I feel like an absolute fool tbh. I distanced myself because I like him, but I still feel like I put him off by asking for the 2nd meetup.

I wasn't persisting though, after he resumed the texting, he was one who asked me to meet and then started texting me lots again. I didn't know I was supposed to blank him after we met up again.

He’s not interested, he’s immature and wishy washy. Move on to greener pastures OP and forget about this emotional toddler. Once you back out and stop contacting him most probably you’ll get another text in two weeks, something in the lines of “hey, what’s up?”, that’s what emotional toddlers do. You want to date a grown up.

I feel that I only matched him in terms of texting most of the time (except that week when he went funny) does anyone think I should still see him as a mate? Im not bothered if that's what it is, but he's just put me off with all the excuses etc.

Well that's it. People on here are trying to spell out he isn't interested, I know he isn't and that's exactly why I backed off. I will be friendly when I see him around but I haven't texted or suggested meeting again. My thread is not to ask if he's interested or not, my thread was to say this behaviour gets me down because he made me feel like I'd done something wrong and must've put him off.

I think when you go from friends to maybe "something more" it can be a really difficult area to navigate, especially if you don't really feel a spark.

For every person who appreciates honesty, there's another who would find it quite upsetting. Maybe he thought being honest would result in him losing you as a friend and he didn't want that.

I do honestly see your point regarding why not just say. But I’m sure your message about a second meet up wasn’t blatantly asking him out and unless he’s drop dead gorgeous, most people aren’t so arrogant that they would be 100% sure. And then he probably didn’t want to embarrass you /him. Anyway, you would know best as we are just going off a few posts on an Internet forum. But don’t be embarrassed …. it could have been different but wasn’t. It’s awful when you put yourself out there and it turns out the other person isn’t interested but that’s not a reflection on you. You will be perfect for someone …. Just not him!

Maybe. I'm maybe being too harsh but I just feel like a massive idiot and I don't know why. He initially wanted my number and started texting me lots, which led me to believe he maybe was into me. I just feel like a fool and honestly wish I'd never bothered.

A “mate” is someone who you trust, get along with, doesn’t play games on you or give you the silent treatment. This guy is not a “mate”, he’s some dude who’s going to drive you nuts (you hardly know him and have already posted a thread). Choose you’re mates wisely.

Don’t feel that way, it’s absolutely not your fault!

Thank you, that's kind of you. No it wasn't a blatant ask out, just a suggestion of an activity or something. other than that I didn't say anything which suggests I could be interested.

True. It's hard to know at first whether it's friendly or something more, and I appreciate that. After it was established it would just be friendly, I felt I should distance myself because I didn't feel like I should talk to him so much and meet up often without still having a crush, even if I don't mind being friends I just sorta want to move on.

I think he is just a bit of a twat. You did nothing wrong. Why shouldn’t you suggest a second meet up?

you put yourself out there. He fucked up. Don’t feel bad.

some men are just whingey game players. The fuckwits we have to deal with at work and think ‘thank fuck I am not married to you, you delusional wanker’

Keep going Op.

Thank you. I'm sure my embarrassment will fade eventually. I never said anything sexual/inappropriate to him. There was some light flirting/teasing in our convo. As I mentioned he restarted the convo and suggested meetup again, even if that was just as friends, I just found it hard to be close mates with someone I have a crush on so I've distanced myself a little. But yeah, looking back I really felt I'd put him off, but I'll try not to blame myself.