Omg.. why do men think we're idiots?!

[Vanillachocolatestrawberry]

I had a first date with someone I'd already known for around 2 months. Well maybe it wasn't a date, just a meetup but either way. We had been texting lots prior to it, it wasn't flirty but still a lot of texting. We met up, had a good chat and a day later I decided to be brave and suggest a second 'meetup' for a week later.
The vibe of his texts instantly changed. Honestly I felt embarrassed and wished I'd said nothing.
If this had been a random stranger I'd have just deleted the number but as I say I already knew him and we were supposed to be 'mates' who I'd likely bump into again.
I left it about 4 days then thought I'd just give him the benefit of the doubt. Messaged again but the tone of the messages were cold, he didn't continue the conversation and took 24h per reply. I just thought, fuck this.
I ended up bumping into him in person 2 days later and asked him if he was ok or had I done something to offend him etc. as he'd seemed mega off.
He literally came out with six million excuses 'oh I've been so busy with work/I've been ill/I've had personal stuff going on/family drama'. Literally a succession of reasons. Then banging on about how he does drop off sometimes when he has a lot going on.
For some stupid reason I believed him, he must be a good liar.
Anyway I tried to play him at his own game and then the next day he started texting me again, being friendly and asked me to meet up.
Then started texting me lots. After we met up I didn't ask him out again, I literally texted him to ask if he'd seen my charger as I had lost it since being with him. Again I got off vibes from him.
He came out with more excuses 'personal issues ' but funnily never says what, also said he's 'rubbish at texting back " even though he used to be pretty good.
I've binned him off now, I will be friendly if I see him round but even as a mate I don't need that. I liked him but I actually think he's quite a baby now. He's in his 30s, he should know better.
Has anyone else had this from men before?
He really made me feel like I did something wrong, like I was too full on.
I wasn't, I suggested a fun meet up and that was it, I didn't text constantly or do anything crazy but he was just a coward. However I still feel like it's something I did, though now I've distanced myself I'm starting to see I can do a lot better.

We all meet people in different settings, some of those interactions lead to friendships, sometimes we click with others and sometimes we don’t such is life. Don’t feel bad for this not working out OP, you did nothing wrong. Move on, there’s more people to meet out there, don’t get stuck with mr wishy washy, life is short.

You didn't do anything wrong - it's never nice when you put yourself out there and get knocked back for some reason.

Thank you. It is a shame as he used to text me a lot so obviously wanted to be friends, maybe we could be at some point. It's more the embarrassment, I can see why people usually let men do the asking out!

Thank you. It's just that we're always told men like the chase, let him do the asking etc.

It's not a 'men' problem, it's a problem with which men you are spending alot of time on.

Now I'm starting to think I've judged him too harshly? I can see how he wanted to avoid embarrassment.

I think really he is not worth this headspace. Get out, do some excerise, go on some apps, forget about him for a while.

he knows where to find you. Keep busy and ignore him, he’ll probably play hot and cold and this is because …….

…….

he’s a fuckwit !

He sounds like a living piss-taker. All those excuses, but they surely must add up to the fact he doesn't like you enough but hasn't the balls to say directly?
What a bell-end. Please block him now. He sounds moronic and confusing.

I'd be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there. It's brave. Rejection and disappointment are horrible. But so is sitting in the what if and not taking action over your own life. I'd feel very proud for being upfront and showing your interest. You'll meet someone equally upfront if you carry on with that trait. 👌

A man who gives you the silent treatment or runs away because you stated “you would like to see him again” (how dare you express interest in a man! -insert sarcastic tone in this space-) may not be interested in you, may be immature Or just the controlling type who thinks women should never take initiative. I don’t know this guy so have no idea which one of the reasons is. In any case he’s not for you so just bin him.

Yes luckily I can see it now. After he went cold on me the first time I honestly questioned if I'd said something to offend him or made him uncomfortable or something because I didn't get why he was being abrupt. But it's all clear now.

Glad I've distanced myself 👐

Expect a hoovering in a couple of weeks.

Oh goodness, what does that mean? 😂

A “hoover”, he’s going to contact you again, he’ll throw a crumb at you to see if you pick it up because he wants to know if you’re still “game”.

Why on earth would he have your charger?

All I'm trying to say is what I think HE thinks; I can only speculate of but going by what you said happened there were two initial cues: 'instant going cold' reactions on different occasions in the first round. Then you bumped into him and after that, I speculated, he may have felt some need to cover himself with excuses or else he thought to revert to texting as non-committal friends or mates. But because of the first round, I speculated that he may have taken your message about charging as potentially a further approach of interest and interpret that as persisting.

It happened and it left you feeling foolish or shamed but you don't need to punish yourself for having not read something or for trying or trusting in something. Who hasn't done things which didn't work out and with hindsight they wish they hadn't? It's just life and being human. You dealt with the situation you were in at the time. You're fine and no less a person than you were, although you feel it as a blow. Let it fade away from you and take its place in the past.

The hoovering thing is another reason I just send a message to draw a line under it, who can be bothered 😩

True, he could've taken my message as interest. However I could say the same about him as prior to hanging out he messaged me lots, pretty much daily.
However with hindsight if one party is attracted then it's not going to work.
Thanks, I'll try not to regret it too much.

In general friendships (flirty or otherwise) after a certain age can be a bit diminishing returns...

A lot of people (male or female) don't really want the additional "time commitment" of a regular physical 1-1 meet with another person.

Even if you get on occasionally when you do meet.

Unless there's something they want from you, or a social connection, or a favour, or they're desperate or weird or predatory or have ulterior motives

(For example, as an OK looking single woman, it seems a key group of people who are willing and enthusiastic about spending time "connecting" with me are older partnered up guys with young kids....hmmm.....wonder what THEY want?)

I used to try to get around this, as I prefer 1-1 dynamics, but honestly I'm happier just taking things as they are now rather than chasing after people and trying to force things.

So if I really got on with someone a few times, I'd try to connect 1-1. But really, often I don't think anyone wants the time-commitment beyond maybe e-mails and texts.

(When I think back to some fairly intense interactions, most people lose touch after a brief period of time and move on unless you physically continue to be in the same spot/social group/workplace?

Out of sight, out of mind).

So I wouldn't overthink this. Just focus on your overall goals and moving forward in your life in other ways.

@Vanillachocolatestrawberry dont beat yourself up, you’ve got manners and he hasn’t. Hindsight has 20/20 vision don’t forget. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and that’s good enough

now you know you know so chalk this up as his loss and turn the page.

it’s shit, but nothing you did wrong at all.

Well done OP, you liked him and made it clear. He was a nob. And made excuses, I mean is there anything less sexy than excuses ? Who cares ?!?!

don’t feel bad. You were right he was wrong.

So he went cold on you, you believed his excuses & still went on to meet him again?

That's how men get away with it!

Gosh you sound way too invested in this emotionally and feeling " wrong"
You can only control your own reactions
You asked, he ignored you

That was the point to give him the elbow not go on and on about it.

He didn't ignore me, and I didn't go on and on, I didn't mention meeting again after that. Anyway it's fine now