It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

If I were your sibling I would be so upset with you. They've told you their will so that there's no surprises for you and instead you're judging them and posting about it on the Internet as if it's such a horrific thing to do. Do you even like them? HOW DARE you make their death about you and your child.

OP I took from your post that mainly you are worried about what happens to your children if you die prematurely.
You need to appoint a guardian in your will and that is the conversation you need to have with yoir sister, leaving money out of it.
Ask her if she is willing to be named guardian or if you need to ask someone else.
This is much more important than anything else.

But they are your children, not your siblings. You need to make the provisions for them that you can, and hope for the best.
Sorry about your cancer.

Yabu, sorry. My brother has no children either. Until reading this thread it have never crossed my mind where he would leave his money.

I wonder if this is more to do with you having been ill, which I am sorry to read, and feeling your own mortality, and maybe a worry about your children in the future ? That's possibly something to unpack yourself - but your brother's money has nothing to do with it.

I've not voted because while I know I wouldn't be making that will given your family set up, I can't quite sign up to saying that family should always inherit. I'm sorry about your diagnosis and I wish you all the best for your treatment. I think it was insensitive of your sibling to tell you about their will in the present circumstances, when it should be obvious you will be worried about your children's future.

Possibly rather than talking to your sibling about the will, it would be best to have a frank talk about whether the sibling would feel able to become their guardian if needed?

Yeah I had kids late, always intended to share any inheritance out between our nieces and nephews before we decided to have DC. If one of my siblings had cancer I would definitely be taking that into consideration when drawing up my will.

Look it’s her money and she has every right to do whatever she wants with it and you really shouldn’t criticise her for it but it’s probably not the choice I would make.

I'm sorry to hear you're unwell and worried about security for your children in the future.

Realistically, if you were to die before your sibling - would your parents not give your part of the inheritance to your DC? Why would your sibling need to step in to cover this? If they do outlive you, it's likely they'll end up spending the money on their own life?

Will your DC not inherit / get support from their father's side? It's more on him, rather than your sibling. Do you not have any type of life insurance that will pay out for your DC?

I agree with you OP. Life is tough, and if family can help each other out I think they should. Absolute waste leaving it to charity.

Your brother and you got/will get help/inheritance from your parents. Not from uncles/aunts. Do you see the point?

YABU. I assume if you're moderately wealthy, as you say, then you own your own home (or mortgaged). If you were a wise person you would have taken critical illness and life cover on the mortgage. This would give you two payouts, one lump sum when the cancer was diagnosed, and a further payment when you die, that pays off the house. On top of the speculated inheritance from your parents, this would be a good future inheritance for your DC and your sibling's money should not come in to it.

You're sounding incredibly entitled, expecting your sibling to make your DC beneficiaries in their will.

Sorry to hear about cancer

You need a will and guardianship in place

Have you discussed with sibling what happens if you die

Is father in the picture - will look after them ?

Agree with very sensible pp about approaching your siblings, being very honest about being scared for your children's future and can you depend on your sibling to help them should the worst happen? Don't bring money into it. Ask if your sibling would be happy to be loving, helpful family member (not a parent) a shoulder to cry on, somewhere to go for Christmas etc. that's all you can do.

Your siblings money is theirs to do what they wish with. I would also be trying to encourage a relationship between your children and siblings. NOT for the inheritance but because they may need lots of adults in their life to support them in the future. Hopefully it isn't needed but it wouldn't be a bad thing regardless.

Also if they don't have a good relationship now why would your kids get anything??

I always think this is a tough one. We've got a similar thing. Grandparents left 2/4 children inheritance and nothing for the other 2 simply because they believed 2 needed it more. Its was a big sum of money. Grandchildren got nothing. Those 2 that got the inheritance have no children and is highly unlikely to come to us, their nieces and nephews. It's not nice to think family would rather give it away than help family but it is what is it. There's just no point being angry or upset.
I don't think your unreasonable thinking your sister might have left your DC something but I wouldn't spend time letting it annoy you and I don't think money had to necessarily stay in the family either. Especially as families come is so many shapes and sizes these days.

Are you and your DC close to your sister? Maybe she just doesn't think its necessary, especially as people without children won't be thinking too much about the difficulties of the next generation as parents do. Or maybe she is leaving some to them and just hasn't told you.

I think it was essential the sibling told OP so that OP can take it into account when planning for her children. OP has assumed the sibling would leave some to her children and that isn't what's happening. So yes while it is a difficult and uncomfortable conversation now is exactly the time to have it.

I agree with you OP. Even if they left half to charity and half to your DC, that would be fine. It just seems to me a shame that they wouldn't want to help out their nieces / nephews if they could.

What kind of person, especially knowing their sibling was critically ill, would choose to leave their money away from their DN's and instead give it to charity?

That's not my idea of how family acts.

But this is mumsnet, where nobody owes anyone anything and we should all be pathetically grateful if our parents offer to look after our kids once a year.

OP, YANBU - this is callous of your sibling in my opinion.

I’m a single person and have lost my chance to have children. As is I have built a full life of my own focused on other things. When I die I want to support those things I have built my life around.

You have built your life around your children, so want to support them, why shouldn’t your sister be able to support what she cares about too?

To be honest, it sounds like your child will have a large enough inheritance from you that they wouldn't need anything from your sister anyway, as you already have a decent amount of assets and due to get another £150k to top that up

OP does not say that all the financial help she and her sibling (she doesn't say brother or sister) received came from their parents. She says family. She then also mentions the possibility of inheriting money from her parents in the future. It's entirely possible that some of the money came from grandparents, uncles, aunts, great-aunts, great-uncles and cousins.

I don't even know if my childless brother has a will. If they do, I have no idea what is in it. I do know it's 100% their choice who they leave it to.

I hope your health will be fine from here and your concerns for your children won't come to pass. I would consider appointing a guardian for your children and making a will to set your children up as best you can should it be necessary. This is something every parent needs to do.

Leaving out the specifics of your situation, I think “keeping money in the family” is a huge driver of inequality, and leaving it to charity is probably the moral thing to do.

What kind of relationship does your sibling have with your children?

I think what you really need is an honest conversation with all of your family about what happens to your children if you die - financially, practically, emotionally. Really difficult but really important.

Surely the key things here are 1)how often does your sister see you children and how close is their relationship? 2) what is the provision for your children if you are no longer around to care of them?

If your kids see your sister one every month or two for an afternoon, and do so begrudgingly, then I think she will have other things that she fills her life with.

If they see each other a few times a month and have outings together and has a strong bond with them then you are not being unreasonable

You have built your life around your children, so want to support them, why shouldn’t your sister be able to support what she cares about too?

Exactly - and if I was the OP I'd now be assuming she didn't care about her nieces/nephews.

Would you have written the same post if your sibling had a child?
I guess not. So yes, you are very unreasonable.

However, if you are worried about your DC financial future, there is a lot you can do to ensure that they will be just fine. And none will involve inheriting money from aunts or uncles.

Wow dramatic much?

Someone with cancer worrying about the future of their kids and saddened that they've just found out that it looks like they can't rely on any help from their sibling and therefore asking for advice on an anonymous internet forum is not horrific.

The brutal gang rape of girls during the invasion of Ukraine is horrific, the beheading of babies in Israel during the terrorist Hamas attack is horrific.

Try and develop a sense of empathy. If you were worried about dying while your kids were young you might need to sound off too.

@BacktoBreathe in your situation I would be sad too. I wouldn't expect anything from my sibling but I would have hoped they would want to help their family. I know if I was in their position so long as I had a good relationship with them, I would want to leave at least half to charity but the rest to family.

Did you speak to your sibling at all about this?

I can say I do know someone in this position who does not plan to leave their money to the nieces and nephews. In that instance, the person does not get along with their sibling, they don't fight bet there is no common ground. Furthermore despite always doing their best with their siblings offspring, they themselves don't get so much as a xmas card now those kids are young adults.

Could your sibling feel quite distant from you as a family unit?