It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

There are two different things here. Would your sibling take on your children and do what they can to support them financially if you die prematurely? Or will they leave their money to them.

My sister is wealthy and has no children and I would guess she will leave a significant proportion of any money she has to charity, though I hadn’t really thought about it until now. I wouldn’t expect her to leave anything to my children and I would imagine if she did it would be for a specific purpose. However, I think if I died suddenly she would absolutely step in to help support them if that were necessary. It’s a different thing to support your nieces and nephews whilst alive and if they have lost their parent, than leaving money to them after you die.

You can’t expect either but the first is a sensible conversation to have under the circumstances.

But surely if you were in your sisters position you'd feel the same?

DB has one child, I am childless. We both inherited equally when DM died. DB has specifically told us - DH and I - that we don’t need to leave DN anything, that they will be very well provided for when the time comes. DB and his DP have always earned way more than me. Of course if there is anything left over, taking into account possible care needs etc, DN will get it.

OP I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis but you are being a bit entitled as far as your sibling’s money is concerned.

I can't believe all the "YABU" answers. Your sibling is family, presumably they know about your cancer diagnosis. Why on earth wouldn't they want to help their nieces/nephews in the event of their death? Are we really so utterly individualistic as a culture we've lost the concept of mutual responsibility, duty and caring for one another?

Tru
But she is clearly saying her nephew /niece isn't someone dhs she cares about.

50/50 charity /child would be fine.

OP is asking people to vote on what they feel about inheritance not her particular situation - well that's how they worded it. I don't feel I have any rights over other family members inheritance. We are leaving everything to our DC but that is our choice. I have seen some pretty grubby and entitled attitudes to inheritance by families of very elderly or deceased people.

Your hypothetical decision Ginger to leave some money to charity really falls under the YABU vote. You are choosing not to pass everything down the family line.

Of course it would be kind for the OP's sister to leave something for her DC under the circumstances but there's not a lot she can do about it other than bring it up which would probably be awkward. I would be having a conversation with the GPs though.

my DSis and I have had a similar conversation with DM. Her will was written when DSis still lived at home. The will states that if either DSis or I die before DM the remaining living DD gets the others share effectively cutting out GC on one side or the other.
In the end we decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and £ to change the will. DSis and I are very close and wouldn’t screw each other over.

I think it depends on the finances of the families. If you had two high-flying well-off parents it would seem silly to get annoyed about a sibling leaving money to charity.

I'm your sister in this situation. We have a sister on both sides and a niece and nephew on both sides. Our sisters and their husbands are fairly normal earners. They own average houses with mortgages but don't have the kind of money that could give their children a head-start. We're in a similar position but without the expense of children so have a slightly bigger house and, I suspect, more savings. If we both died tomorrow our estate would be work around £600k with equity, savings and life insurance (most of this amount being insurance paying off our sizeable mortgage). It would feel cruel leaving our money to a charity when it could have a massive impact for our siblings. Our wills leave everything to sibling, if either predecease us it goes to their husband (the children are young) and then to nieces and nephews. The split remains 50:50 between the two sides regardless of who is and isn't here.

It's more that sibling was happy to share family money when it was going to them but even though the OP may be dying the sibling has no compunction to behave in the same family focussed way giving forward.

The sibling isn't dying. The OP may be. There is no impending death if the sibling that you seem so fraught about

You are being very unreasonable. It is not the job of your sibling to provide for your child.

It is their money to do as they chose with.

It wouldn’t cross my mind to leave any of my money to nieces or nephews nor would I expect my DC to receive any from my siblings one of whom is childless. She can leave it to the cats home for all I care.

My DC is my responsibility not someone else’s.

Dropping into conversation with her parent what her sister is doing, presumably hoping to get money not left to her is possible the worst advice I have ever seen on mumsnet.

Talk about a strong way to light the touch-paper on an enormous family row. You haven’t left money to my kids, so I tried to get our parents to disinherit you as retribution. I can’t see many relationships surviving that one.

YABU in regards to who your sister leaves any inheritance to.

I would however be querying with your parents who your portion of inheritance goes to if you were to predecease them and explain that if your share goes to your sibling, then your DC will loose out because your sibling will be leaving all her money to charity and nothing to family.

You need to get all this sorted now and put your half of all assets in trust for your children.
I know it is hard to hear, but so many men remarry, don't update their will and everything goes to wife 2. Or, they marry in haste, get divorced and half of everything goes to wife 2.
I have seen it happen so many times and there are lots of threads on here about this scenario.

I feel its been assumed over time but this bombshell about the will is making the op question it.

If I were you I would have some open discussions with parents and sibling about the worry you have about not being around to provide security for your children. Say you do not want the loss of their mother to be compounded by financial worries so would like them to be as comfortable as possible. Specific questions I would find out the answers to:

What does your parents' will say should happen in the event you predecease them? Will your share go to your children? Most solicitors would advise that so that is possibly already there as a safeguard.

Your sibling agreed to be guardian many years ago before you had cancer. Discuss with her if she still feels able to take on that role and that even if they have already reached adulthood that you would like him / her to have a relationship with them as you are siblings and likely to have similar family values etc. ask how they feel the current relationship is with your DC and if there are things you can do to help strengthen it.

Focus on building their relationship rather than an inheritance that, if sibling lives to an old age could well have been spent on their retirement and care home fees anyway.

If you're worried you will die before your parents and not get your portion to pass on can you not ask them to write it in their will that your children benefit instead? That's the only bit I would talk to your sister about if it came to it, but her money is her money to do with what she likes

I completely see where you’re coming from op.

We had a similar situation in our family where my Gran (following a long line of inheritance) left her money to my Mum, who decided to give it all to the dogs trust 😳😳 My Gran would have been literally turning in her grave if she knew the family money hadn’t been passed on to the next generation.

I adore my nieces and nephews so would want to help so I can see why you are upset. It’s like they are not important to your sibling. But you can’t dictate it. Maybe they are trying to make the world a fairer place knowing your kids will be ok? I do get it though OP. I’d feel sad too. But you can’t say anything.

Thats shocking!!! So you got nothing from your mum. Thats so bad.

The sibling is entitled to leave their money wherever they want. You are untitled to infer from that. The inference would take away is that siblings nieces and nephews are not particularly important to them. Hard to come to any other conclusion. They might like them but they feel no familial sense of wanting to help them or give them a leg up (the very same leg up sibling themselves benefitted from)

You would also be entitled to modify your relationship on the basis of this new revelation. I would definitely cool somewhat towards a sibling who revealed that my dc were not of much significance to them.

If I was a parent of you and your sibling and knew sibling was leaving their estate to charity I would leave my estate to my grandchildren. As I would be entitled to do.

I get what you mean OP - it feels like a family pot of money and if the person doesn't have kids it feels like a "waste" in a way (being blunt there). I think a lot of the time with inheritance we forget that really it is like giving a present; you don't get to choose what that person does with it. It isn't your money to start with and they can do with it as they please. If you haven't spent time with your kids at their house they have every right to decide they don't know them and have other places they care about to give inheritance to. I think if you spent every Sunday with them and they were active in your DC lives, they probably would want to leave them something. If you aren't close then I can understand why they might not. FWIW I think like you that any money from grandparents is mentally in a family pot and I'd rather living relatives enjoy most (maybe not all) of it. I think that's the bit a lot of people don't understand. If I didn't have DC I would be gifting chunks to any relatives' DC but probably also my own interests and charities.

I initially voted YABU because I have childless siblings and I’ve never even thought about where their money would go. I think it would give a real sense of satisfaction, achievement and inner peace knowing your hard-earned money was going to a charitable cause you care about.

People need to feel that their time on earth has had an impact. A childless person’s money could save lives, feed the hungry, vaccinate against malaria, etc etc. Or it could go to a niece to help her re-do the kitchen or buy a caravan (for example). In this example, the childless person is right to do what they want with their money. People on mumsnet are often dismissive about relatives leaving all their money to the Cat’s home (or whatever), but in reality many charities do essential life changing/life saving work (obviously!) and legacy gifts have a huge positive impact on the world.

However given your diagnosis, and the fact your parents’ money would go to your sibling and thus be siphoned away from
your children, YANBU. But you need to talk to your parents about leaving specific gifts to your children. That’s the answer here.

I think it depends on the definition of close though. My DB would say that I (single, no kids) are “close” with them. I see them a little less frequently than once a month- which I know to my brother and their busy family life and commitments feels frequent. But to me it doesn’t feel like that at all. He would say we are close-but I don’t see it like that. I would love to see them more, take them for outings etc. but that isn’t what they want.

I love them, but they aren’t a big part of my life- they can’t be -I can’t hang my life on people I see every few weeks. So I have other things in my life, I’d rather leave a legacy to the things and people that are part of my daily life.

So the word close is subjective. Do you children form a substantial and meaningful part of your sisters life?

Did you benefit gleefully from money various family members left to you and is your sibling likely to die whilst their dc are still children?