It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

I'm child free and one sister also is. One sister has 2 children.

I don't know about the other cf sister but since a large portion of my mothers estate is going to the grandchildren, nothing from my estate will be.

I'm not close to them, that's a lack of effort on both sides at times. But I have chosen family I'm closer to and I would want them to benefit.

I can’t believe this voting 😦
This is ISN’T how my family is at all.

I suppose it’s a combo of weird MN moral high ground and the classic MN trope of “no one owes you anything”
“you must never expect anything”
“if your SIL gives you a half eaten sandwich for Christmas you should be grateful! as it’s the thought that counts and she probably put loads of effort into it”

Assuming your siblings does acquire assets from your parents and does not use them in their own lifetime then I'm of the view those should be left within the family. Wealth the sibling created themself they can do as they please with. Perhaps you could talk to your parents about their own will on the basis of making sure that if you predecease them your 'share' should go to your children and not revert to sibling - this will depend entirely on right wording so justifiable to check. If your parents realise in the course of the conversation what your sibling's will says then they may choose to write their own in a different way (e.g. life interest only to sibling).

I get you are unhappy that your sibling has stated they are leaving their money to charity but your fears about your children don't make much sense to me. I presume they have a father or other family who would take care of them in the event of your early death. You don't mention any concerns in that respect, though PP seem to have assumed they are some.

You only mention not being able to help your children buy property. That would be at least 15 to 20 years hence if they are primary school now. Do you expect your sibling to be dead within that time frame? Are they much older than you or are you a much older parent? Most young adults in their 20s and 30s have living parents. Most uncles and aunts won't be funding nieces and nephews to buy houses in their middle years, single, childless or otherwise. Plus have you not considered that in the event of your death, your sibling's connection to your children could change in their favour?

This is more about your fears of possibly letting your children down by dying and maybe anger at your sibling, rather than any real tangible concern. If your sibling had children, would you have the same expectation they fund your grown up children?

We need more from OP on their relationship and closeness.

I don’t have kids and was so excited to become an auntie and had visions of a close relationship and maybe the kids coming to stay with me in school holidays and us going on days out. It became very clear to me that my DB and DSIL didn’t share this vision. Fine, they are their kids. I see the family every month or two at Sunday lunch when we all go to my parents. I’m sure my DB would say we have a ‘close’ relationship. For me it doesn’t feel like that. I think they have come to my house once in three years. Will I leave a few million quid to kids I see for a few hours less than once a month? Can’t say I am planning on it to be honest.

When people used to be named heirs by aunts and uncles it was rarely all the nieces and nephews, it was the favourites who actually were expected to put in the legwork and see the relative regularly and maintain the relationship. It’s unfashionable to say that now- because we are expected to treat everyone “equally”. but my will favours the big parts of my life, one godchild that I see a lot of, a trust to look after my pets and then to charity.

Yes, I think that’s it.

Chances are I’ll die before they hit 18. Hopefully not, but that’s the way odds are.
my husband will then bring up the DC.

If we both die then my sibling is guardian.

I’m your sibling in this scenario OP.

My husband and I are child free and have a decent amount of wealth, some of it inherited. But we do not subscribe to the view that this money should be kept within the family - our wills leave every penny we have to charities we’re passionate about, so our money can do a lot of good after we’re gone.

Family members can do what they want with their money, including leaving it to whoever or whatever they wish. Ditto for us and I would genuinely be appalled if anyone in our family was side eyeing us and our money!

It's how I feel. If my sister did this to me I'd find it very hard to forgive.

Exactly

I agree with OP and would be having an open and honest conversation with my sibling about my fears for the future.

If I die before my parents then anything they have when they die will go to my sibling. And so then to charity.

Assuming my husband doesn’t remarry then my DC will inherit anything my husband owns at time of death. he personally won’t inherit anything from his family.

Maybe the sibling is anticipating they may need to care for OP's child?

Maybe the sibling interprets "pay it forward’ to the younger generation" as being wider than OP's child - allowing other children who wouldn't otherwise benefit from intergenerational wealth to get a start in life.

You don't sound upset with your parents for not leaving what would otherwise be your share of inheritance to your child.

I'm astonished at the entitlement on this thread, and at the suggestion from many that it's somehow morally wrong not to leave everything to family, or that not leaving money to family is somehow evidence that someone doesn't care about their relatives.

My extended family is very close and we have always done a lot to help each other. We absolutely have each other's backs, but that doesn't mean that we automatically feel entitled to each other's money.

I have caring responsibilities for an elderly aunt who never had children. She is quite wealthy. I know exactly how much money she has and what's in her will because I have lasting power of attorney for her and have dealt extensively with her bank, her solicitor etc. She will not leave any money to me in her will, or to her other nieces and nephews, and honestly, it never even occurred to me to consider this. I have no doubt that, if one of us was in financial difficulty, she would bend over backwards to help, but none of us are on the breadline, so she probably just feels that her money can be used more effectively elsewhere. I understand that...my aunt probably wants to leave her own mark on the world, and leaving a sizeable sum to a charity of her choice is a way of doing exactly that. I don't understand why a pp described that as "a waste" - of course it isn't, if you have chosen the charity carefully.

Money is just money. It doesn't in any way represent what someone means to you or how much you care, and it's a shame in my view if decisions about money become the measure of a relationship. Yes, I would absolutely family to help each other out in times of real need, but not to feel obliged to leave money to people who are already well provided for. Family bonds are surely about so much more than this?

OP, it sounds to me as if your dsis feels that your own dc will be reasonably well taken care of. Perhaps she assumes that you have life insurance in place and that your parents will leave anything that would have passed to you to your kids if you're not around. If you're concerned that this isn't the case and that they will genuinely struggle financially - especially if something happens to you - then share those worries with your dsis, by all means. I very much doubt that she'll want to see them go without, but if she thinks that they're already adequately provided for, then it's not unreasonable for her to want to pass on her money in a way that will really make a difference... that's part of her own personal legacy and the difference that her life will have made to the world.

Typical Mumsnet holier than thou voting. I agree OP. If I didn't have children I would have probably left some to charity but the house would have been left to my niece and nephew. No point stressing about it but it would certainly alter my feelings to my sibling if I were you. You need to let it go though. Sorry about your illness.

Stop getting your knickers in a twist, they are not dead! It is the OP who thinks she might die and wants someone to help her child. That is natural isn't it?

So why not ask your parents to change their will so that your portion goes to your dc if you pre-decease them? This seems perfectly reasonable to me?

I can't imagine doing that in her place. Family comes first, always.

I think that is my point… my sibling accepted financial help from wider family. (Including a little from me at one point - we’re that type of family that has traditionally helped each other out).

Some money did come from my Aunt.

It's your parents that are being unreasonable. I would speak to them in your position. Explain that you're worried about their grand children's future and your share be passed on to them

My knickers aren't in a twist. What a sexist put down.

Yes I understand OP is concerned for her children's future. This is probably why the sibling has let her know now, so OP can plan knowing this in mind.

The sibling is not dead but who knows what life will throw at us, that's why the will is sorted.

Then I would ask if they could return the cash you helped them out with

Thankyou. I think this is how I feel. It’s their money. But it’s not the choice I’d make if they had children.

if it was split charity and family I’d feel differently.

It's not what I have done in my will either but I have pledged a % to a charity dear to my heart upon my death and if anyone slagged that off I would be devastated.

Sorry but YABU. My older sister has a much higher income then me or our younger sibling. She has no partner nor kids. I'm ok, have two kids but have some assets to leave to them. Other sibling has a disabled child who will need lifelong care. Older sister has told me that she will leave everything she has to our disabled niece. Even if i had little to leave my kids I think this is the right thing.
It's not the responsibility of your sibling to ensure your children's financial needs, just as it's not the responsibility of mine. She has seen where the money is needed - for yours a charity - and that's where it's going.