It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your cancer.

As for the inheritance though, think of it like this - unless your sibling already has health problems, it is quite possible they will live into their 80s, or even older, at which point your DC would be, what, 60? Inheriting your sibling's money at that point is too late to set them up in life, or help them buy a house.

I do think that rather than all your parents' money going to your sibling if you predecease them, your share should pass down to your child.

I wouldn't find this awkward, your siblings inheritance/will is separate, what you want to speak to your parents about is what would happen to any inheritance they would have left to you in the event you predecease them. It's what would come to them through you otherwise, and you should consider whether your own will needs updating to reflect your health changes. Any share that would otherwise go to your sibling is irrelevant. I'm sorry to hear about your cancer, it must be a very difficult time.

Might get hit by a bus tomorrow

My DM’s will states that if either me or DSis pass before her then the living sibling will inherit everything. The will was written many years ago when DSis still lived at home and had no DC’s. I did point out to her that her will would exclude GC’s from one side if one of us were to die before her! This isn’t what she wants and was prepared to change her will but as a family we decided it wasn’t worth it as DSis and I are close and wouldn’t screw over the others DC’s.

If I were close to my sibling, I'd be hurt and upset that they were actively choosing not to help their nephews/nieces, particularly in these circumstances. I think you're not unreasonable to be upset but you can't change anything. Ask your parents to ensure, if this is their wish, that your children are provided for in their will (and casaully mention your sisters intentions too if you think they might consider it relevant).

That's a really good point.

Leaving everything to charity is fair enough if you have no dependents I guess, but leaving a percentage to charity (rather than a fixed amount) can cause huge problems for the other beneficiaries because it is the duty of the charity trustees to be absolutely ruthless in maximising value of their inheritance rather than being sympathetic and flexible about things like family jewellery.

Same here (& I hate awkward conversations!)

If your parents reply, oh but everything sister gets will go to niece/nephew, I think you'll have to have to awkward conversation. It's better to have some awkwardness, than for your children to lose their inheritance.

I will never cease to be amazed by the sense of entitlement some have to other people’s money.

I’m in the position that I’m quite well off, and am childfree. I have several nieces and nephews, all adults, with varying degrees of relationships, some I’m very close to, others I rarely see or have any contact with. One of my siblings has been quite vocal about the fact that they think I should be giving large financial gifts to all the niblings annually (well, they say all but I know they really mean their DC 🙄) and also that they assume I’ve allocated an equal split between all niblings in my will. Nothing could be further from the truth! I have bequeathed substantial portions of my estate to two small local charities that are very dear to me and have bequeathed to those niblings with whom I have a close relationship. I have no intention of leaving my hard-earned money to people I rarely see and don’t particularly like, simply because they’re faaaaaaaamily.

Personally I don’t understand people who wouldn’t leave (most of) their estate to a younger generation of loved relatives. Especially where they themselves have inherited it. Unless of course there is already a huge amount of wealth.

Is your sibling actually writing a will? Or just blethering?

50/50 would be ‘fine’, would it? How magnanimous of you to decree that about how someone else decides to bequeath their assets.

How old is the sibling? I’m assuming 40s or 50s in which case they have probably got a good few decades to live and I wouldn’t worry so much about what is in their will, it’s more of an issue what they do while they are still alive. Who knows they might change the will in later years, and by the time they die your kids will probably be well set up in life anyway.

YABVU it’s none of your business what they do. Plus it’s not all about your children

If you are worried about what happens to your children if you die prematurely, and getting them on the housing ladder - if you're that worried sort things out yourself.

Take out life insurance so your dc get that money
Save for their house deposit, go without luxuries to do so, downsize your own house.

Stop expecting other people to do this for you. It was your decision to have children so YOU need to put things in place should you die prematurely or you want them to have a deposit on a house.

YABVU

It is very odd for someone who received an inheritance from their own Aunt, is close enough to be happy to be named their niece and nephews guardian and who will receive OPs share of their parents estate if OP dies before her, to choose to leave nothing to their niece/nephew.

It's her choice of course, but completely understand why OP would be upset about it.

OP, I hope your parents will change their will to ensure your share goes to your children and not to end up going to charity. (Assuming they are not also odd and that's what they want!)

If you were to sadly pass before your parents, I can’t understand why your “share” would go to your sister and not your kids, even if it’s in trust?

Unless I have misunderstood I think it’s your parents you should be upset with and not your sister

Take out life insurance when you have cancer? Is that even possible?

I'm the sibling in this scenario (although my sibling as far as I know is in good health). I have a DH but no DCs, and if DH predeceases me, my plan is also for any money to go to a local charity I know would benefit hugely. My DNs will most likely inherit 'enough' from their parents - we aren't a wealthy family by any means but everyone is secure enough financially. If my DM dies first without her estate being used up for care fees, my sibling and me stand to inherit a reasonably significant amount each, and presumably then their children will benefit from that at some point later down the line.

However - if my sibling was poorly, and approached me about this, I'd be very willing to listen. In the absence of any request / discussion I'd assume they were happy the children were adequately provided for, whether that's via inheritance or life assurance. Could your sibling maybe just not have considered it may be appreciated given the circumstances? He/she isn't a mind reader and if they don't have DCs it may just not have occurred to them.

Fat chance

Yes I agree with this; surely it doesn’t have to be all or nothing?

No. The nasty post belongs to people who think that money is the tie that binds them to family and are keeping score of what they think they are entitled to.

As someone with a (different) life limiting illness, no, it is not.

Leaving your spare money to charity isn't as charitable as giving away money you need.

The sibling planning to leave to good causes - are they donating now? Do they give regular amounts? Or is it just once they are gone and don't need the money the charities can get their scraps (albeit big chunk of money scraps). I think that makes a difference whether they are engaged with these causes or not.

I have a real dislike for people who don't acknowledge their privilege. Very few people are 'self made', most got there with lots of help, or safety nets, or old school tie connections. It's not an even playing field.

To disregard the benefits received by inheritance, and to deny it to nephews and nieces is selfish.

Her DH, the children's father, could take out life insurance.

You've done well then. My insurer wouldn't do it. I'm sorry you're facing such an illness.

I’m the same as your sister. My assets are willed to charities I’m already engaged in. My assets are just that - mine, and who and what I leave them to is my decision. That others disagree, don’t understand, and/or consider this selfish isn’t my problem.