It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

You sound rather entitled OP and maybe a little jealous that your sibling chose to have no children?

Sorry about your cancer - but your itch is majorly with your sibling and their choice of what they will do with their OWN money.. which is insane!!

You should provide for your kids future.. you had them, they are your beloved babies!! Sibling should be able to do whatever they want with their money - it belongs to them - not to you.

Your sibling owes you DC's nothing at all, think they would be around for them though should something happen to you but to expect them to give your children (who do not exactly sound as though they NEED anything) their own wealth.. is incredibly selfish and rude of you OP.

We can all sit and delegate what so and so should do with their inheritance but end of the day its not your call to make. Inheritance wouldnt be such a problem if everyone involved would just be grateful for their piece and stop watching what others get.

Quite annoying actually and it is very rude to the person that passed on.

I have the good fortune to be quite wealthy. None of my family or friends know and that’s the way I want it to be until after my death. It’s sad when people go through life in second gear anticipating an inheritance in the future.

I can understand where op is coming from. I do have children but our will does state that if we all pass, all money goes to family. Currently 50% to DH childless sister and the rest to the nieces and nephews from my brothers. Although we have decided to change it to give a bigger proportion to the nieces and nephews as feel (if the worst were to happen), they need the money more than DH sister.

I could never imagine leaving all mu
money to charity over family I love - even more so if I had revived money via inheritance myself.

The main reason no one should ever tell anyone they won the lottery - is that people will always have an opinion on how other people should spend the money. Usually framed by what they want for themselves. It's no one else's business. Really with a 150k inheritance expected, OP has already spent that and wants more. How can I make it right to grab sibling's wealth for DC. No I wouldn't leave it to a group of sick people or cats in outer Mongolia, so I want that cash for my own ends .... sibling's wishes and values are not as important as how I could benefit from her money ....

Are you close with your sibling? I am very close to mine - in the event of me & husband both dying they would get custody of our children. Would they? If you are not that close so then no I don’t think you should get the money

And that's fair enough if you can't imagine leaving money to charity instead of family, but it doesn't mean that others are wrong to do so. It's a personal choice.

I have something, but, it’s based on income as at the point you are diagnosed as terminal (thankfully I’m not there and hope not to be at least for a long time - I might be lucky and never be). The likelihood is I’ll start struggling with working full time and have to keep reducing hours and therefore salary. I’d already like to reduce hours but we’re not in a position for me to be able to.

Don't reply if you feel im overstepping with these questions, but have you actually had a diagnosis of terminal cancer, from an oncologist? I am one and we do not tend to give that message until we are sure there is nothing more that can be done. You sound like you are near the beginning of your treatment so it's far too early to make assumptions about outcomes unless you are diagnosed at stage iv or stage iii for most cancers.
So please don't assume you are going to die.
Have you had a cancer nurse specialist assigned to you? They are there to help you navigate the system and can also get you an appt with a benefits advisor. Generally Macmillan. Cancer specific charities can also provide advice and have chat lines, as do Macmillan and CRUK.
As someone who has been there I wish you all the luck in the world and hope the outcome is that you get to meet your great grandchildren.

Op, i get you are close to your brother. Why can't you discuss it with him?

I agree it's up to your sibling what they do and if it was me as you I wouldn't be bringing it up with them. But going against the grain I do think this is sad that they won't leave their nieces/ nephews anything and give it all to charity.

I’m very sorry for your cancer diagnosis and I wish you good health and a full recovery.

I would hope my sibling would leave my children a small bequest - a piece of jewellery to remember them by, something like that - but I would actually be very proud of my sibling for giving the rest to charity.

Inherited wealth only makes the economic gaps worse with each generation. I give 20% of my income to causes I believe in, and once my children have a sufficient leg up to have a basic house deposit (the same help I received), I have charity bequests in my will too.

They know that and understand why.

I think I’d talk to your sibling. Ask them gently if anything were to happen to you, would they be prepared to help your children with moral/financial support. Or if not them, who?

I think it's interesting that you recognise on one level that you (and your sibling) have been in a privileged position to inherit from family. However, when it comes to your dc, you seem to view it as a right rather than a privilege.

All this talk about a "family pot" is encouraging you to frame this issue in completely the wrong way. The reality is, there is no "family pot" as such... you make out as if your sibling has somehow taken out of a shared family pot and failed to pay back in as expected, but the reality of the situation is that any money left to them by other relatives was left to them as an individual, for them to spend/bequeath as they wish. Yes, some of your other family members have chosen to pass stuff on within the family, and it's lovely that you and your sibling have benefitted from that, but that was a personal choice on the part of the person leaving the money. Unless they have left it with specific strings/ conditions attached, it doesn't create any obligation whatsoever on your sibling to do the same. And if your sibling chooses not to pass on the privilege of inheritance to your children, but rather to redistribute that wealth via a charity to others who may be less privileged, then that is entirely their prerogative. The money is theirs...it isn't coming from a "family pot" that rightfully belongs to your children, regardless of where it originally came from.

I understand your fears for your children's future, given your circumstances, but you're making yourself feel unnecessarily resentful about something that you sibling might view in a very different light. It isn't worth losing a good relationship over.

This. There is no way I'd leave money to charity over my nieces and nephews or other family (unless I didn't like them). I would also be sad at this decision.

You are right on account of not thinking this way for selfish reasons. Especially re your potential health. Going forward in todays financial world, ie 45 years of neoliberal economics and politics, the only children that will have their own house will be those with massive financial help. The correlation between working and saving to set yourself up for life has been broken in the last 2 decades for many people, especially in the SE of the UK.

This ^

Think about what you want for your children and talk to your sister, or friends/wider family, in order to make plans that reassure you that you’ve done all you can to keep them safe.

My grandmother left all her money and her home to a charity that she didn't even care about. Not a penny to my mum, her only daughter, who had cared for her in her old age.

It wasn't really about the money. Mum was doing fine without it. It was the message it gave my mum. My grandmother wasn't a warm person and I never saw any sign of love from her to my mum, and my mum knew that.

After Grandma died and she was told what was written in the will, my mum said "it's true then. She didn't love me.

So yes, she felt sad. And I did too. Because she didn't leave any to me or my brother either. So presumably we weren't important to her either.

Had it been a charity really close to her heart it would have been different. But it wasn't. Nor had she ever been bothered about any charitable giving.

So I get the sadness. Clearly there's more to OP 's resentment, but in her place I'd feel sad that the sibling cares so little for their niece/nephew that it doesn't cross their mind to leave then anything at all.

Only on Mumsnet. In the real world, people would be aghast at not passing on to potentially motherless nieces and nephews in favour of a charity. Good luck OP, I hope your parents bequeath to your children if it doesn’t make it to you first, but I hope it does.

Only on Mumsnet. In the real world people would be aghast at the idea of lecturing childfree people about how leaving money to charity was selfish and worthless (Im not referring to the OP here but other commenters on the thread)

This only applies if you view someone’s disposal of their assets as the sole measure of their love/care. I don’t believe this to be the only measure, hence it didn’t cause me any upset when I discovered my parents’ wills favoured one sibling over the rest of us. I viewed it as their decision entirety and their right to make that decision. (Plus I knew enough to know this sibling certainly wasn’t their favourite one but that’s another day’s discussion 😀)

It’s up to your sister what she does with her inheritance, but for a start she hasn’t said what she will do whilst she’s alive! My bro have me £5k towards buying my flat… she might do similar in a similar way to how family members have helped her.

it definitely sounds like you are concerned about what happens if you are not here, you should do what you can within your own control to reduce those concerns (possibly including being optimistic about a life after cancer if you can).

also, your mum & dad have a pretty rubbish will if it’s either 50/50 to you & your sister, but if one of you passes away, 100% goes to the other. Since you do have children I would expect it to day the estate should be split evenly between sister 1 & sister 2, or between the dependents if sister 1 & sister 2 or something. You could ask your parents to give you piece of mind & change the will so it states 25% to each of your kids & none to you due to tiur own health worries without having to discuss your sister with them, it’s then up to them if h th at is something they are willing to do.

The OP already answered this. (In case you don't want to read the thread, yes, her brother is the person who will care for her children if both her and her DH pass away.

Giving money to charity would only thicken the Director’s pockets. Very little money actually goes to the good cause they are supposedly working for.
The heads of charities are on such good money that is unbelievable and the people that actually raise the funds are volunteers. It’s so hypocritical!
I don’t ever donate to charity instead I give directly to families in need.
I agree with you OP! If he wishes to donate that’s his business but don’t give everything to charity- it will go in some strangers pockets.

@Hihellogoodbye Thats not strictly true. Yes, heads of charities are on good money, but if they didn’t pay market rate, you wouldn’t get experienced people running these charities. Someone is not going to voluntarily earn £50 000 to run Oxfam if they can get £100 000 to run Man City football club. Charities are charities, but also are businesses that employ people. Would you run Oxfam, or whoever, for minimum wage?

I'm a trustee of a charity and I'm sorry but that's bollocks.

The only charity CEOs that earn vast amounts are those running international charities that handle hundreds of millions of pounds. And you have to be an exceptionally experienced and able business person to effectively lead a charity like that.

The CEO of our organisation earns less than she could earn in the private sector, as do the vast majority. And her skills and ability are vital for our funds, our staff and our volunteers to be used wisely, and for those who our service helps, to benefit as much as possible, whole also being safeguarded.

You simply cannot have a charity with a million/millions of pounds budget, run by a volunteer. Your funding doesn't line pockets. Someone is paid a salary to run it, and your donation doesn't affect that or line their pocket any further.

By the way, trustees are NOT paid. We oversee the governance of the charity as volunteers. We all have vast experience as professionals in other areas that we bring to support our CEO and ensure that the charity is run properly.

i think family money should stay in the family of course give at least 10% to charity, but rest to family.