It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

Nobody has any right to anything. I think it's fantastic that the brother has chosen one or more charities, who will no doubt be very grateful. It's a thoughtful and responsible thing to do.

@10ThousandSpoons It's how I feel. If my sister did this to me I'd find it very hard to forgive.

Which sister? The one who gleefully took money from various family members yet feels little or no familial care for her nieces and nephews or the sibling who is likely going to die whilst her dc are children?

I don't have a problem with your sibling leaving their money, inherited or otherwise, to charity. It's theirs to do with what they want.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with you talking with your parents, telling them your health situation has made you think about your children's future without you (which hopefully never happens), and would they consider leaving your share to your children to be divided among them? It seems a fair and reasonable request, though their choice if they agree and do it.

@BacktoBreathe If I die before my parents then anything they have when they die will go to my sibling. And so then to charity.
Are you sure? This would have to be specified in the will as typically if you died your next of kin would inherit your share.

If your parents have specified that if you die your share would all go to your sibling and not your dc I haven't ask WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY?

Not especially, given she won't be needing the money herself. It's got to go somewhere. If family members are wealthy and don't need it or if you're estranged from them then a carefully chosen charity is a good thing to do with your will, but otherwise it's really just thumbing your nose at the people you supposedly care about while feeling morally superior.

That's an interesting take on it.

Arguably, it's far more individualistic to leave money to family if you know (or at least believe) that they will already be well provided for. If you truly believe in the concept of mutual responsibility, duty and caring for one another, then you might well choose to leave your money to a charity that will help those who are most in need of such support.

The question is what happens if one of your kids won't have kids also and they are given money and etc etc - this is all totally highly hypothetical. Can you honestly say, with the heart of your hearts that uncles and aunts are always leaving money to nephews and nieces or rather you are making a very far fetched argument

I generally feel that it's up to an individual what they do in their will, and that no one should expect or have a right to an inheritance.

However in your position, it's not your siblings will I'd feel aggrieved by, but your parents.
Knowing your health and life expectancy, it seems hurtful that their assets go wholly to your sibling if you predecease your parents. Even if they don't want assets to go to your DH, why not leave 'your share' in trust for your children?

@BacktoBreathe it is fairly easy and common for your parents to add to their will that your share goes to your children if you pre decease them - my parents do in their will and I am an only child.

indeed given your circumstances it makes the most sense to ring fence it for your children

Are your parents aware of your sister’s intentions? Could they amend their will to make sure your half would go to your children in the event that they outlived you? (Sorry,that sounds so harsh. Sorry you’re going through this).

I've got my parents' wills here, so have just checked their provisions. If I die before my sibling, my share goes to my children equally. Are you sure this isn't the default position for wills for most people?

I don’t think YABU to feel how you feel. It seems like it is tied up with you’re worry around your cancer and your children’s future.
I think it is strange that if you die your ‘share’ of your parents estate goes to your sister and not your children. Can you share your concerns with your parents and ask them whether they would consider changing this?

Well, that depends a lot on the financial set-up of the charity. Many get involved in dodgy things they shouldn't, and pay an awful lot for their own staff and overheads. It also depends on the financial situation of your own family, which from OP's post sounds far from ideal. Giving a donation regularly to charity while you're still alive is a good thing, making a gift in your will is good, but leaving the whole thing to the worthy but unknown 'end users' instead of your own loved ones who may be struggling, is not my idea of mutual responsibility and caring. I'd describe it as uncaring actually.

So sorry you're unwell, OP, but I think what your sister does with her money is her choice, and it's entirely understandable that she wants it to be used to help others after her death. She's been decent to tell you, so that you can factor this in to your own inheritance planning.

Rather than be angry with her, you'd do better to have a chat with your DPs about their will, in the hope that they specify that your "share" of their estate goes to your children should you pre-decease them.

I mean you're obviously U as it's their money and choice, and would be very U to raise it with your sibling. But I also understand how you feel. I am childfree by choice and am likely to die before any of my siblings due to a life limiting illness. I'm married but my DH has an HA flat which we live in and are happy in so he has no need of money for a house purchase etc. As it stands he gets my pension and any savings, then my life insurance (a not insignificant amount - £1m) is split four ways - between DH and my three siblings, or if they die before me, their kids. I want to see my siblings and their kids set up in life (sibs all in low paid jobs) as well as DH have a decent amount.

I personally can't imagine giving it away to charity when there is a clear need amongst family members who I love and care about.

This is the easiest bit to try to resolve. Explain to your parents the impact of you dying before your sister - ask if they want to ensure that their grandchildren are protected that their will is changed so that if you die then your inheritance from Your parents would go to your children.

Its your Sisters money ,but yes I would feel a bit put out that they wont even be giving them anything at all. Its difficult to say anything obv .However it is your DS money to do with as she thinks fit

This is quite unusual. Your inheritance share normally passes to the children in a typical will set up if you predecease your parents. Perhaps your parents haven’t rewritten their wills since you had children? If they died intestate, inheritance rules would give your children your ‘half share’ between them.

That seems weird OP standard in most Wills would be for your children to inherit- i would definitely ask your parents about changing this

My DM died when I was very young.

Her parents left their estate to their remaining DC (my aunts and uncles).

One of them told me at the time that there is a provision in his will for me (although I expect most will go to his own DC). The other aunts and uncle haven't mentioned anything and I've no expectation that they'll include me in their will. In fact, it's never crossed my mind whether they will or won't.

Losing my mum so young has made me fiercely independent. I had a different upbringing than my cousins, with far less love than they enjoyed. But, at the end of the day, it's made me who I am and I'm proud of what I've achieved.

My DH and I rowed when making our wills. He firmly believes every £ should be left to our DC. I made a provision for a proportion to go to charity in mine. It's important to me that my advantage benefits more than just my own family.

The underlying issues here seem to be that 1) you have understandable fears about what will happen to your children if you die , and 2) you had notions about the closeness between your family and your sibling which your sibling does not reciprocate.

You can’t do anything about your sibling’s will. It’s hypocritical of him/her to accept financial help from family and then not consider the needs of other family members, but you can’t force his/her hand.

You should speak with your parents to explain that you are trying to plan for your children’s future in case you die before they reach adulthood, and ask whether they are mentioned in their will (usually your share would go to your children if you predecease your parents, so you need clarity on what’s been written).

You also need to speak with a solicitor about setting up trusts for your children from your share of property/ money , because there’s every chance that your husband will remarry and his new wife will inherit everything from him.

Setting aside the heart-string pulling bit (sorry you have cancer OP, but that really isn't relevant) then this takes entitlement to a whole new level. Now not only must parents ensure that they pop their clogs before blowing all the kids inheritance on care homes and other ridiculously expensive luxuries, but siblings must ensure that they make adequate provision for their nieces and nephews.

It's all very transactional, isn't it? Keep a tally book of who has had what over their lifetime, then ensure they pay back an appropriate amount to justify their existence. So said love is what binds a family. Around here it seems to be cash in the bank.

Your parents' wills are much more worrying than your sibling's, given your state of health, and I think that you have the right to talk to them about it in order to safeguard your children's future.

However, it's possible that you've misinterpreted the situation. In most cases under English law, if a parent leaves their estate shared between their children, then if one child dies before the parent, leaving grandchildren, then the grandchildren will inherit the deceased child's share, even if that's not what the will explicitly says. It's a specific piece of legislation (Section 33 of the Wills Act), because in 99% of these tragic situations that's the right thing to do. It depends on the precise wording of the will though, so do check with your parents.

Nasty post.

The reason why this can raise problems is that charities can be very forceful in claiming their share of legacies very quickly, making it difficult for the executors/ inheritors to find the money immediately if e.g. the estate is tied up in property.

I agree that it’s important to give to charity if you can, which is why I’m doing it during my lifetime.