It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

But that's such a random, arbitrary rule. Why 10%? Why not 100% to family if you think that's the most important? Or why not a considered amount based on who needs it most if you think that giving to charity is OK?

So if the OPs children want to spend the money they inherit on education, cars, holidays, medical needs etc will they be stopped because its family money and it has to stay available for the future family pot?

Are the childfree allowed to pay for private carers, supported living costs etc, or do they have to guarantee they will will stay healthy until then end so as not to deplete the "family pot"

It's a really difficult one! I completely understand where the OP is coming from as I have seen firsthand a wealthier older generation inherit wealth, then tell the next generation not to expect anything. It is unfair not to pay it forward. I also understand it being hurtful for your sibling to give it all to charity when the money could be transformative for your children.

BUT- I would try to out those feelings aside and accept that your sibling doesn't have any responsibility towards your children. If your sibling had children, then they would inherit from them. They didn't- but that doesn't give your children an entitlement to that inherit either.

Life is also too short to dwell on inheritances and nothing good will come of it.

saraclara, I think your situation sounds very sad. It's not the same as the OP's, this was your grandmother who bypassed your Mum for any help that that money could have provided for you and her.

I really don't know what your grandmother was thinking but I do agree, it was a definite demonstration of active disregard and certainly not love. I'm sorry to read it.

I fully understand where the OP is coming from. Psychology is a strange thing. I’d understand if my siblings want to spend all the money on themselves or pass it on to their children (if they have any). Of course my children are not entitled to that.

However, it is personally hurtful to think that if they have any left, it would go complete to someone else and not immediate family members when they might have needs. it’s a tough world out there. There’s a saying “blood is thicker than water” for a reason. Not asking for any moral justification, but that’s just how I’d feel as well and I couldn’t help it.

Best wishes to you.

I’m on the fence because I could not ever imagine doing this to my nieces and nephews. It’s just not in my nature or how my family culture is. On the other hand, I’m deeply uncomfortable with deciding it’s “family money”. Once a gift has been given, it’s a gift to that person. If you’re that close to your sibling, just…..ask?

OP is in a scary position and is right to be thinking about finances. I too would expect the majority of family money to stay somewhere within the family. My thoughts on this are a direct result of my upbringing. It sounds like OP’s family are the same, in which case it’s very relevant her parents understand her siblings plan and her situation. At the very least, her ‘share’ should be in trust for her children should she die.
As a family we give generously to, and directly help, charities in our lifetimes but all wealth will be kept in the family or given to very close friends. This is quite normal despite MN’s protestations to the contrary.

Who are you set to get inheritance from? Maybe speak to them about the fact that that sister is donating her money in will to charity! Maybe instead of leaving her and you the money they will skip a generation and leave their money in trust to the children?! (Instead of you and your DS!)
My cousin though has worked hard all her life and is now a millionaire (if you include assets) and she told me she is leaving her property and money to charities rather than to her 2 sisters or 6 nieces and nephews!
Or maybe be upfront with your sister and ask her that if you die early will she consider looking after your children in her will so they’re not completely disadvantaged in life?
Did you receive a life insurance pay out when you were diagnosed? Cleared your mortgage etc? Do you not have life insurance for encase the cancer comes back and takes you before your time?
One of my friends is one of 3 girls… my friend has no children so her parents have told her that they won’t be leaving her anything in their will as they want it to pass to the grandchildren! So her 2 sisters will get everything… silly because if they then die and the husbands meet someone else the kids might still end up with nothing!!

There’s a saying “blood is thicker than water” for a reason. Not asking for any moral justification, but that’s just how I’d feel as well and I couldn’t help it.

Interesting fact for you - the full saying is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Something like - the bond between two people who choose to be bound together is stronger than two people who happen to be related to each other. The opposite of what people think it means!

I think that interpretation is widely disputed. It’s relatively modern.

The mainstream meaning is, as far as I know, very ancient and has deep roots.