It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

I can't understand that black and white approach. Does the level of need not come into the equation at all for you?

For me, it's much more complex than that. Family does come first, but not to the exclusion of everyone else, no matter what.

I'd be more upset with your parents tbh.

I thought it was pretty normal for parents to leave estate to grandkids in the event that a child predecessors them.

Due to a recent death in our family we've all been updating our wills and everyone did basically the same thing: equal split to kids / cascading to their kids.

FWIW I think it's pretty callous of your sibling not to factor in the fact that your kids may need a little extra help if something happens to you. I'd be hurt by that too.

Lots of posts saying it depends on the degree of closeness between the children and the aunt. I notice this isn’t being addressed by the OP.

Yanbu. If you're a close family, and have a good relationship with your sibling then of course its hurtful that they would rather help random people or animals or whatever than help their own nieces / nephews

That sounds like a very odd decision by your parents. Have they told you that and said why they would choose to do that?

As for expecting your sibling to leave money to nieces and nephews, no. They can do what they like.

Couldn’t agree more!

We had that talk years ago and my sibling said they would be delighted to be their guardian if it ever came to it. That’s what’s in my and my husbands wills.

I think that’s part of my wobble- maybe my DC aren’t as important in my siblings life as I thought. I appreciate that they are my DC, not theirs, but I always thought my sibling cared a lot about my DC. I know financial and emotional care is different but it’s making me question if it’s definitely the right choice. There was also provision for my sibling in our will to make things easier for my sibling to look after themselves if they took our DC on (appreciating they’d have to make some different life choices and we didn’t want them to be out of pocket as a result).

I’m working through messages. As you can see from my other messages I thought they were close - the closest family member.

OP, does your sibling know that your parents will leave everything to her in the event that you pre-decease them? Might she be assuming that your portion will automatically pass to your children?

How old is your sibling? Because I was in my 50s when the last of my aunts and uncles died. How old are your children likely to be by the time your sibling might die? It's a very weird subject to be thinking about because, as a fully independent adult, it would never have crossed my mind that I would inherit anything from an aunt or uncle.

For any wealth they have built personally I agree with you.

its the part that was built from family help that I’m struggling with.

Your sister is probably thinking she’s going a lovely thing, by helping those in need, and maybe think that by doing this, she is repaying kindness shown to her.

Giving to charity is a very worthy and generous thing to do.

Surely if your parents have divided their estate between you and your sister in their will. If you predecease them your share will go to your kids. At least that's my understanding.

I do think that, morally, if she inherits everything from your parents, she should at least pass on "your share" to your kids. However, I also think that your parents should pre-empt this by changing their wills to ensure that your share passes directly to your kids. Do your parents know that your dsis plans to leave everything to charity? I think this is the issue that you need to address first.

I heavily disagree with your focus about family money and how your sibling has got more help - it sounds like you’re clutching at straws and that’s all irrelevant.

However, I do believe leaving everything to charity, unless that charity has a significant meaning to your sibling, is weird. Yes the end user of charity may benefit but realistically that money will go on the CEO, the staff and keeping buildings going. I’ve worked with many charities and it’s a reason I refuse to give money to many of them. The smaller ones are much better though. If I had a choice between random charity and a family member, I’d always choose family. I find it weird if someone wouldn’t unless there’s a backstory.

So I think YANBU to feel upset but I don’t agree with how you’ve framed it.

Thankyou for your reply.

i thought we were close. I’d describe my sibling as my closest family member and they were the named guardian if something happens to both my husband and I.

We asked for the wording in our wills to be changed so that if DB or BIL died before us that any money that would have gone to him would go to his children. The default wording was that if a sibling died before us their share would be split between the other siblings which surprised me.

We have our own DC now but before we had them our money was to be split between our siblings and cousins. DDad inherited money from various childfree aunts and uncles. I think it's fairly standard.

@BacktoBreathe I don't think there's anything you can or should do about your sibling but it might be worth talking to your parents about their will and discussing the possibility of you dying before them due to your cancer diagnosis. Say that if that happened you'd want your children to inherit your share from their grandparents, say you're happy for it to be put in trust so your DH won't have access. Do your parents know your sibling is giving everything to charity? Might be worth dropping into the conversation 'of course, my sibling can do what they want with their own money but are you happy for them to do that with all your money?' Suspect your parents haven't considered you dying first rather than it being a deliberate choice to disinherit their grandchildren. Seems very unfair for grandchildren to have lost their mother then lose out on an inheritance fromthatside of the family as well.

That very much depends on the charity. If I were to plan a huge bequest to a charity rather than family, I'd be taking a long hard look at the accounts and general standing of all the potential recipients.

I would be thinking the same as you op. If your sibling is your kids guardian but wants to leave all their money to charity, I'd be seriously considering how in tune with my kids they are and how much they are considering what guardianship means. Its not the money, its the care behind it I'd worry about.

Maybe there's a silver lining here. Maybe its time to question whether your sibling would be the best guardian for your kids. Blood isn't always thicker than water.

Thankyou. I think this is good advice.

Im not comfortable talking to my parents about what my siblings will says but I could ask if anything I would have got could go into trust for my DC without mentioning any reason why.

Firstly why are you assuming that your children will never be able to buy an house? You are writing your children off before (I assume) they are even adults.

I don’t have children, but I have a lot in assets. I find it quite irritating that my sibling makes it very clear that she expects her child to benefit from my death.

I don’t think YABU at all, OP, but it’s ’the law’ on MN that anyone who dares to expect any inheritance, even from their own parents, is ‘grabby’.

Particularly since your sister had herself benefited from an inheritance, IMO she ought to pass at least some of what she’s got down the line. Especially since she must surely be aware how much harder it is for young people nowadays re housing costs - both buying and renting.

Simply put regardless of what came from where.
It is the testators choice at every level.
So someone gets money left to them, it is their choice what they do with it. Honestly, it is as simple as that.