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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP wants more money

464 replies

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:01

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 18/02/2024 01:06

He’s not treating you like a partner is he? And he’s completely wrong that you knowing how much his bills were would give you a claim on his assets.

You have kids. You need to put them first. It’s time to move out. Focus on putting yourself and your kids in a stable environment.

He has not been honest with you so I would have no issue with saying whatever you need to as a stalling tactic while you get yourself sorted and leave safely.

PlantDoctor · 18/02/2024 01:07

I'm not a financial expert. That definitely sounds unfair though, and not a good basis for a relationship. Surely if you're contributing to the mortgage then it's the same as if you had seen the official paperwork, regarding a claim to the property?

Guavafish1 · 18/02/2024 01:07

I think you should stop paying for half of his mortgage. Just pay for utilities.

Use the money for your rental.

Are there any marriage plans in the future?

Original poster
Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:13

Thanks ladies - I feel the same. I feel like he can’t say ‘I have this asset which you need to contribute to but have no claim to’ - without allowing me to build my own

im not moving out in a hurry. Currently i am building a savings account. This month I can pay £2k into but next month with my fluctuating salary who knows!!! May be nothing! I’m fuming though

I will also add that this month our sofa was deemed seriously faulty and picked up by the sofa company which left us with nothing to sit on so I’ve bought a sofa - he didn’t give a penny.

OP posts:
Containerhome · 18/02/2024 01:16

I don't normally say this.... but I would start getting my ducks in a row. That's not a life OP. You have found out early enough what he is like.

PlantDoctor · 18/02/2024 01:16

That's a good point. It's not fair to expect you to pay half the mortgage with no benefit. I assume he took it out before you were together?

Does he earn a similar amount to you?

Anywherebuthere · 18/02/2024 01:20

I agree OP. It sounds grabby and unfair.

Half on utilities sounds like a fair split, its wrong on his part to not let on that you've been paying more and now asking for even more. That doesnt sit right. To start with he needs to show you all the past bills that have been paid so you can see where you've paid extra and balance that figure out with future payments.

And with you paying half the mortgage he seems to be getting a really good deal from you living with him.

You need to do something to protect yourself and your children financially before its too late. Its better you start doing something about it now than wait until he asks you to leave with nothing one day if the relationship doesnt work out.

Original poster
Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:21

I need time to increase my own ‘assets’. I’m fuming. Woman on fire.

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Can anyone legally tell me where I stand? With it being that I’m paying half the mortgage. Only evidence I have is a spreadsheet I created 2.5 years ago with the mortgage figure on it

OP posts:
Containerhome · 18/02/2024 01:22

When you transfer money to him. Do you put a reference. Like rent/mortgage/utilities etc

Anywherebuthere · 18/02/2024 01:23

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:13

Thanks ladies - I feel the same. I feel like he can’t say ‘I have this asset which you need to contribute to but have no claim to’ - without allowing me to build my own

im not moving out in a hurry. Currently i am building a savings account. This month I can pay £2k into but next month with my fluctuating salary who knows!!! May be nothing! I’m fuming though

I will also add that this month our sofa was deemed seriously faulty and picked up by the sofa company which left us with nothing to sit on so I’ve bought a sofa - he didn’t give a penny.

Dont make anymore big purchases for the house until you've gone over finances and figured out what you're going to do.

scaredofthefuture2024 · 18/02/2024 01:23

He isn't treating you fairly and how does he know what you earned this month? Don't be so open with him when he isn't doing the same. If it is because you've a joint account then stop that. He is trying to use you as a cash cow to further his own agenda at the expense of you and your kids.

MariaLuna · 18/02/2024 01:25

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities

I will also add that this month our sofa was deemed seriously faulty and picked up by the sofa company which left us with nothing to sit on so I’ve bought a sofa - he didn’t give a penny.

So why the fuck are you with this man??!! He doesn't give a shit about you or is a tight arse, both of which are highly unattractive qualities in people. Frankly, he's a user.

You and your kids deserve better.

I'm a solo mum. No man justified my kid being second best. Just fucks them up....

Gather your guts, your money, your kids and get the hell out of there. He won't change.

Original poster
Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:27

Containerhome · 18/02/2024 01:22

When you transfer money to him. Do you put a reference. Like rent/mortgage/utilities etc

I list the payment as ‘household’

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:29

The faulty sofa btw - all in my name!!! Was £4.5k. I paid the deposit and all subsequent payments despite him saying he would pay half. So now I’m currently waiting for the refund.

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 18/02/2024 01:30

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:21

I need time to increase my own ‘assets’. I’m fuming. Woman on fire.

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Can anyone legally tell me where I stand? With it being that I’m paying half the mortgage. Only evidence I have is a spreadsheet I created 2.5 years ago with the mortgage figure on it

Edited

I'm no legal expert but I think you would either need to be married to him or at least have your name on the mortgage too in order to claim the house or anything in case of death

Without a will his family could claim/control his assets. Are his children young or adults?

As I said Im no expert so best to seek legal advice on this.

SleepPrettyDarling · 18/02/2024 01:30

Has he sole custody of his children?

KnowledgeableMomma · 18/02/2024 01:31

Legally, unless you are married or signed a rental agreement when you moved in with him, you have nothing. It doesn't matter that you've been paying 1/2 the rent. If you are married, you'd be entitled to half. If you signed a rental agreement, then what you get/are owed would be within those terms. Otherwise, you've lost everything you've paid. If you currently have any joint accounts in the bank, you've got half of those (or whatever you can prove you've deposited into them).

JuneSoon · 18/02/2024 01:32

If he were to die intestate his entire estate would be put into trust for his DC.

You could try to make a claim as a dependent but given the brevity of your cohabitation and your earning capacity you probably wouldn't get anything.

If you split up he'd probably argue that you paid rent rather than contributed to the mortgage.

You've gone from one abusive relationship to another. You and your kids deserve better.

Notsoslim · 18/02/2024 01:43

I'm a solo mum. No man justified my kid being second best. Just fucks them up...

This is so true.

For so long the focus on men’s bad behaviour in relationships was often about them using women for sex and domestic chores, but it’s only more recently been highlighted many “modern” men are using women as cash cows. When I was using OLD I had a couple of single fathers seem a bit too curious / nosy about my earning potential. I could just see they were mentally lining me up to help financially support their households.

OP he seems to be lying about various things such as seeing the bills would give you a claim on the house. By saying you would have “control of everything” if he dies what does he mean ? He has kids who will, quite rightly, inherit most of it.

I assume he just means you’ll be named as the executor of the will so you’ll be sorting everything out but he’s being vague about it to mislead you.

He isn’t being honest or transparent with you.

Make sure you hang onto the receipt for the couch so you can either take it away when you leave or sell it to him if he wants to keep it.

Codlingmoths · 18/02/2024 01:49

If he died tomorrow you’d have nothing. I’d pick a number. Tell him you’ve picked a number you’re happy to pay, it’s the same as what you think he’s paying so less then before, then explain you’ve subtracted half the sofa, and pay that. Keep it at matching his, probably matching his minus 100 a month or something like that. He’s using you and you can’t trust him, you need to start saving again. Next time he says he could be mortgage free, you say let me know when you want me to move out.

Codlingmoths · 18/02/2024 01:49

Oh good point keep the couch receipt, if this ends that couch goes with you and he’s on the floor.

BloodyAdultDC · 18/02/2024 01:53

If he died tomorrow you'd get nothing. Zero.

Without a will or wedding you will not be entitled to anything - his entire estate would go to his dc, every penny you've contributed gone.

worried4dd · 18/02/2024 02:02

I'm sorry @Itsnotbeeneasy but there are red flags all over your post.

You need to save for you and dc and not subsidize his life.

You are treated like a partner financially so you must protect yourself. I think you need to pay less and ensure that you can save a set amount each month. At the very least having 6 months income saved for an emergency fund is crucial. If you stay in this relationship (which I don't think you should) getting a buy to let flat/house is a good idea - both a place for you if needed and something for your dc as at this rate if he died his dc would benefit from your financial contributions and yours wouldn't.

You should pay a lodger amount not a partner amount.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 18/02/2024 02:03

He's not treating you as a partner is he?
He's taking advantage of you.
You should not be paying towards his mortgage
He has gained equity whilst you have no security
Save towards your own property for you and DC

caringcarer · 18/02/2024 02:18

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:27

I list the payment as ‘household’

Show quote history

Split it into 2 payments household and mortgage. He sounds really unpleasant and granny. Like he couldn't give a fuck about you and just wants your money. It sounds like next month you could have enough to move into a rental property. You could save up for a deposit. You shouldn't be paying towards his mortgage. That is what could cause you to have a claim on it in the future. You should pay half the cost of utilities and food and something for rent. The amount you pay for rent should be less than half his mortgage. You shouldn't be contributing towards home insurance because it's his house. With the spring coming utilities should be lower than they were over the Winter months not higher. Think of your kids and move out and build a home for you and them. In future tell him you've had a terrible month for sales so much lower pay. Don't ever show him your pay slips or bank statement and don't tell him your savings. If necessary tell him you don't earn enough to save hardly anything it all goes to him for bills. He sounds like he is milking you like a cash cow. Not the behaviour of a loving partner. He's using you.