DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

OP, what is in this relationship for you?

It's difficult to understand the attraction of this man who seems intent on making money at your expense. Does it feel like love? I think I would not be attracted to someone so mean.

If you cast your thoughts forward to your late-50s, staring down the barrel of retirement, what will you have to your name?

That matters more than this guy or the sofa; it will determine your standard of living for the rest of your life and also influence the standard of your children's lives.

Rather than try to figure out this guy's intentions, focus on what you can control which is securing your future.

You did well to get out of your marriage and to clear your debts. Now try to focus on building your security: establish a fund to keep yourself afloat for 3-6months, and start to save 15% of your income into a compound interest type thing.

What do you think we would all say if a man moved into a woman’s home, she refused to tell him how much the bills really were but let slip she was charging him more than 50% and the. was demanding even more? Because that’s a huge part of this and it’s not ok.

You are paying half his mortgage but have no legal rights to the property??? I’m sorry, you probably don’t want to hear this but he’s using you.

For context when DP moved in with me (I own the house), we agreed he’d contribute £500 a month which is what I’d have lost in tax credits as a single mum. He also pays for food and other bits and bobs on an adhoc basis. I would never have expected him to pay half the mortgage as it’s my house not his.

Even if your relationship goes the distance and you continue to help him pay off him mortgage, what happens when he dies? His children split the property? What about you and your children? You won't have a legal claim on the house.

You only contribute to someone's mortgage if you have some security. If you were married or he'd written you into his will it would be different.

He'll make more money long term with a property investment than you can ever make with savings.

Not letting you see paperwork is a bit of a red flag.

I think that if he saw you as an equal he would be happy with a plan of eventually joint ownership with you contributing savings to bring down the mortgage at some point and your mortgage contributions and home improvements acknowledged. Otherwise he's done very well out of this relationship. He's treating you like a tenant.

is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property

Use his own argument against him. Tell
him that contributing to the mortgage potentially gives you the rights that he’s worried about you having; in order to protect him you’ll just contribute 50% of the estimated bills from now on.

Does he even definitely have a mortgage or is he lying and mortgage free Could? Could be 300 a month could be 1k.
Sounds like he is absolutely mugging you off and taking financial piss.

And let me guess you're doing all the housework and childcare, AND contributing to his living expenses as well as paying half his mortgage. Threads like this just me want me to scream. Take off the rose coloured glasses and open your eyes to the fact you've just gone from one financially precarious situation right into another.

Oh, and take the sofa with you!

Naunet
She’s not renting from him because there’s no rental agreement, OP doesn’t have the rights of a renter. If he wants to put a rental agreement in place, that would be different, but I wonder then what would happen if they split up, and she no longer wants her landlord sharing her bed? He can’t evict her for that, and he has to provide her with a bedroom, so he’d be pretty fucked. Renting is a two sided agreement.

Okay, she’s not renting from him. Let’s be pedantic. She’s lodging with him. There’s still a ‘rent’ to be paid and lodging confers no legal rights, other than rights the two parties agree between themselves. This man has made it clear that he doesn’t want OP to gain an interest in his property so all this talk of paying towards the mortgage and possibly having a stake in the property are nonsense.

Her ‘partner’ has shown what he’s offering OP. It’s for her to decide whether this works for her in the short or long-term. What other people would do can guide her but ultimately she needs to make her own decisions based on her own situation and needs.

You won't get anything if he dies. You aren't married and he doesn't have a will. It will go to his next of kin, his kids.

Don't put any more money into the house. Tell him you will onto now contribute to the Costs associated with yoy living there. He would have mortgage regardless so that is not included.

He sounds like an ass

I'm really surprised by some of these responses!

If a woman came on here, and said that she was thinking of letting her boyfriend move in, and she was going to put him on her mortgage, we would all be screaming Noooooo!!

On the off chance you are in Scotland... non married co-habiting partners do potentially have a claim to the property they reside in.
Can't remember the details, but I do remember my friend had her boyfriend sign a legal deed of trust drawn up by her solicitor before her now DH moved in with her.
Worth looking into if in Scotland, if not then as you were.
As an aside, he's not much of a "Darling Partner", he needs a better shorthand. TW - "tightfisted wanker" perhaps?

OP you’ve been a fucking mug.

I think you should be paying him some form of rent and you should be paying the bills in ratio to how many people you bring to the table. BUT this is not an arbitrary amount plucked out of the air it’s based on actual costs incurred. Lay it out for him that you want to see the bills before you agree to any payment going forward if he won’t do this then he’s telling you who he is and you need to separate your households. You don’t have to stop seeing him if you like him but I wouldn’t put my finances into a household where I’m not treat like an equal

Others have already said this. It’s quite simple. You recalculate your contributions to be more in line with what he contributes and deduct the sofa and any other unfair expenses you have accrued. Offer him the lower amount which will contextualise your position to him and explain that this is the fairest way of doing things if you have no security. You must work on gaining security for you and your children. If he is serious about you, a will needs to be created to account for both your children and his children in the event of either of you passing. He’s doing what many men do financially. At some point if you communicate well, you might be able to turn his attitude around. But it makes no sense that he won’t show you a utility bill, but he knows every penny you earn. You need to start faking what you earn and start complaining that your commission is dropping, whilst all the time saving as much as you can. Well done on clearing your debts, by the way! That is fantastic! My dad was just like this to all the women he had in his life, until eventually he met someone, and he had got to a stage in his life, where he realised he needed to share… his current Partner put a lot of money into ‘his’ home but only if it became ‘their’ home. An agreement was drawn up on what they have. At some point as your relationship hopefully will mature, your partner might well mature and the switch will flip hopefully. But you need to lay down the law now and tell him how you feel And what position this is putting you and your kids in. As all he’s doing is growing Security for himself. Ask some friends in similar size properties, what the bills are. It’s not very hard to roughly calculate them within £50-£100 total. Gas electric 200 to 250. Water 30 to 35. TV licence 15. Home Insurance 30-35, sky tv 80-90, internet 35-45, Council Tax you can look up for your local area circa 200-220 (this is a complete guess). It’s obvious you are contributing more than him and he doesn’t want you to see the bills and realise by how much. If this was a fair partnership, nothing would be hidden and this is what he needs to realise. Good luck op!

I’ve voted YABU but only because of the tremendously precarious financial situation you have put yourself and your children in. Don’t pay half his mortgage without getting some kind of agreement in place!

Lodging does give legal rights, just not as many, and it’s also MUCH cheaper than renting, instead she’s paying more than 50% of everything and now he’s demanding even more. This is not a fair situation.

You are not married you are not on the mortgage or the deeds so you get nothing (if you have children together you would have a claim for their support). You are a fool to pay his mortgage in this situation. Sorry

No you have no entitlement to his assets unless he makes a will. That would go to his dc. You might then need to contest for a share of the property. He might have assigned a death in service benefit over to you specifically. Tbh it all sounds potentially horribly messy and I'm not sure what benefit you are getting from the relationship. Do you look after all the dc while he drinks?

Thats really cherry picking one tiny part of this situation and nowhere has this man said he’s considering putting her on the mortgage anyway.

is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property

That’s quite a weird thing to say and legally incorrect. She won’t have a claim to the property unless they get married. Things might be different if she paid for a new kitchen or extension or something like that. His lack of transparency is the problem here. He might say that half of the bills comes to £400 but I’d like you to pay £600 and then she can make an informed choice either way (bearing in mind private rental, plus bills would cost way more than this).

this absolutely this

If you’re paying half his mortgage you could claim a beneficial interest in his property in the long run so he’s an idiot as well as a miser.

He’s clearly moved you in to pay his mortgage, are you also doing his housekeeping? What’s in this for you?

This absolutely this

You will really struggle to make any claim on the house unless you have paid money directly into the mortgage account.

if you are going to pay money towards the mortgage then ask for the mortgage account details for you to pay into - then there is a direct paper trail.

What legal rights does lodging confer, Naunet? As far as I am aware, when you live with someone in their own home, they can ask you to leave at any time, for any reason, unless the two of you agree different terms.