Page 19 | DP wants more money

OdinsHorse · 21/02/2024 10:43

HarrietTheFireStarter · 21/02/2024 10:40

I can't get past the fact he won't let you see the bills. That is so messed up.

I do agree with this, and would not have moved in with him - this is so controlling

amiold · 21/02/2024 10:59

@OdinsHorse yes but she's paying more than half the bills as it is ...

If she rented she'd have her own tenancy and have some say. She doesn't with him, in fact she's not even allowed to see the bills. Of course she shouldn't contribute to this man's "equity"

Mirabai · 21/02/2024 11:07

No-one is expecting you to live there for free. Paying nominal rent to cover wear and tear and half utilities is fine, but it would be wiser to be paying your own mortgage. I get that the money you save on rent enables you to save for a deposit but it’s not really worth exposing your children to a miserly problem drinker just for that. When you have enough money for a deposit will you move them out again? Or if his drinking gets worse?

VimtoEverywhere · 21/02/2024 13:42

If the situation is mutually beneficial then that's fine (as you say you are saving a lot of money you wouldn't be able to otherwise and he is getting help with mortgage payments)

The idea that you seeing household bills would somehow give you a claim on his house is so ludicrous that my first thought was he's ripping you off and getting you to pay way more than you should. He doesn't want you to see the bills and figure it out

Blueink · 21/02/2024 14:15

Please seek professional advice on the situation for the benefit of your DC as well.

Even if this was a perfect relationship - with no red flags lack of transparency, poor management of household bills (allowing them to fall into arrears) and overspending on alcohol….

The property is still an investment for him, accruing as a significant financial asset, half of which at your expense, rather than your money being put into a property which will accrue as an asset for you and later your DC.

Circumstances can change and it would be helpful while you are in such a strong financial position to line your ducks up.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 21/02/2024 20:25

Where are people getting the idea that the OP is living in this man's house for free? She's said quite clearly, more than once, that she pays towards his mortgage cost (as well as everything else).
Not only that, she might be paying more than half because her 'partner' won't let her see any bills, on the completely spurious and nonsensical basis that the mere sight of them will give her some claim on his property. And then had the cheek to suggest that she might 'be happy' to pay more.

Read the OP's posts, FFS

ImaginaryLobster · 21/02/2024 22:16

I'd stop all payments till everything out on table and sorted
Paying more than him toward households (he's got a lodger not a partner) especially if you've been paying towards house that hasn't got your name on it you've already gifted him money and over paided the bills/food

This screams your out when this is all paid off to me

T1Dmama · 21/02/2024 22:32

I would be telling him that you won’t be paying a penny more than you already do!! He’s admitted you pay more than he does! You should only pay him rent and half the amenities ….. then I suggest you start saving like bloody crazy to buy yourself a back up plan…. Or even a deposit on a house so you can move out with your kids when you need to!
man’s stop discussing your finances with him…. Don’t tel him what you earn or that you’re saving or how much you have in your accounts! Lie about how much you earn if needed and say you’ve had a bad month! I bet he’s saving a fortune having you there paying all the bills !!
I would demand to see how much the bills are and tell him you’ll only pay half!

likethislikethat · 21/02/2024 23:25

Mirabai · 21/02/2024 11:07

No-one is expecting you to live there for free. Paying nominal rent to cover wear and tear and half utilities is fine, but it would be wiser to be paying your own mortgage. I get that the money you save on rent enables you to save for a deposit but it’s not really worth exposing your children to a miserly problem drinker just for that. When you have enough money for a deposit will you move them out again? Or if his drinking gets worse?

Yeah, like if she wasn't there, what would he be doing ? He'd be paying all the mortgage, all the bills etc.

Just because she's sharing his bed, he thinks she should pay half rent, half mortgage, half bills etc.

In reality, any decent bloke would maybe say ok, split some utilities or she keeps the fridge stocked, or something.

I live with my daughter and she can burn an hour's worth of water in the shower but the gas and electric are about £100/150 a month which includes heating so delete the heating and you;re really only looking at the marginal cost of the extra hot water the other people use plus a bit of electricity. It isn't even £100 a month for 2 people.

Nikki8762 · 19/05/2024 06:56

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:01

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

I think you've been overly fair, you may have more income some months but youre also paying in to his property which he will benefit from and you won't unless you got married.

Just because he let's you see paperwork doesn't mean you'd have a claim. He's for sure hiding something. At this point I'd tell him unless he let's you see the monthly bills etc so you can be a unit and pay them together. Then you're not paying anything just utilities, he keeps telling you about all this equity but you're essentially paying into that. I'd be thinking is this relationship right for you, he doesn't sound like a nice person or trustworthy. Maybe look at getting your own place and build your life up with your kids x

AgentJohnson · 19/05/2024 07:10

Come on woman! You’d be increasing your savings faster if you weren’t shelling out for sofas. Your ‘partner’ saw you coming and you don’t seem to be standing up for yourself. Reduce your contribution by 15% until you see evidence of what you should be paying.

This man is taking the proverbial.

trickotreat · 19/05/2024 07:46

AgentJohnson · 19/05/2024 07:10

Come on woman! You’d be increasing your savings faster if you weren’t shelling out for sofas. Your ‘partner’ saw you coming and you don’t seem to be standing up for yourself. Reduce your contribution by 15% until you see evidence of what you should be paying.

This man is taking the proverbial.

I agree the OP pays a fair amount but I disagree on the sofa. Presumably the entire house was furnished by him. All the furniture other, beds etc and all the appliances etc. I don't think it's necessarily wrong that the OP bought the sofa.

Vonesk · 19/05/2024 12:32

You are a financial partner.
Close thy 🤸🤸🤸🤸🤸🤸
Whats wrong with you???????
You earn money = you have a dog.
You give man money= you bark yourself.

Rainbow1901 · 19/05/2024 15:10

You seem to have been very upfront with DP about your circumstances and aspirations in clearing your debt - whereas he is less so now. If this is to be an equal partnership then he needs to be honest about how much the bills are and so on. If he isn't prepared to do that then perhaps you need to rethink where you go from here.
He has let slip that you are paying more than him and this could impact what you plan for your kids in the future. Why should you be paying more? Are his children more important than yours? What has he planned for their futures? If he won't talk about these things then it is not entirely unreasonable for you to take meter readings and calculate these for yourself. Standing charges are often available on the companies websites. Once you have facts and figures then you have the evidence to make your case and plan for your kids futures accordingly.
On a side note has there been any talk of marriage in the future? If not? You may need to think long term about your security and let him know in no uncertain circumstances your feelings about all this.